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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

At the end of my very long tether with my son .

42 replies

frumpet · 03/02/2016 07:06

DS is 21 and still lives at home . He does nothing of use at home , ignores requests to stop doing things that cause me issues , owes me hundreds in rent and I always have to chase him , sometimes for weeks to get it . He regularly gets me up at anytime between 0200 and 0400 am as he has lost yet another key , this is on nights when I then have to get up at 0600am .

Monday night or should I say Tuesday morning he was standing at the door as I came downstairs , I let him in and it was obvious he was on drugs , he staggered about for a bit and I made him go to bed , he spent the next hour talking to himself loudly . When I went to get the milk in there were two little plastic bags on the doorstep containing creamy coloured powder , a bit like popping candy in consitency . I have no idea what this could be ?

By the time I got back from work last night he was in the shower and when I got back from collecting my son from nursery he had gone out again . He knew that I was really angry with him so I assumed he had gone out with friends . Cue 2am this morning when I was woken by him banging on the front door , let him in and he was in the same state again . It took me 20 minutes to get him to go to bed as I didn't want to leave him alone downstairs as he has form for leaving doors wide open , the gas on etc . I then couldn't sleep until about 5 and up again at 6 .

He very rarely apologises for any of his misdemeanors , I apparently am unreasonable for even considering charging an adult rent .

Unfortunately my parents see my son as golden boy who can do no wrong and they spend all week , giving him lifts the two miles to his place of work and back .

What the hell do I do with him ?????

And sorry it is so long .

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 03/02/2016 07:10

Sorry but you need to kick him out.

goshhhhhh · 03/02/2016 07:11

I think you need to ask him to leave. Get him to stay with grandparents for a while.

LocatingLocatingLocating · 03/02/2016 07:11

Kick him out. And if your parents think he's so great, they can have him live with them!

Chocolate123 · 03/02/2016 07:12

Does he work? I'm afraid tough love is needed here. Give him an ultimatum either get his act together or out he goes.

PotteringAlong · 03/02/2016 07:12

I agree. Shape up or ship out.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/02/2016 07:13

Kick him the fuck out. His grandparents can have him if they think he's that great.
Seriously - what happened? How does a 21 year old get to be so useless and selfish? He's an adult now, you're not obliged to provide him with a home.
The popping candy is probably mdma or mephedrone.

shiteforbrains · 03/02/2016 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

frumpet · 03/02/2016 08:03

Thank you , got to leave for work , but will be back later .

OP posts:

Original poster

frumpet · 03/02/2016 08:05

He does work , after rent , if he paid on time and didn't owe back rent he would have about £800 a month for just spends !

OP posts:

ChubbyPolecat · 03/02/2016 08:05

Kick him out. He doesn't respect you or your home

pocketsaviour · 03/02/2016 08:24

You need to give him notice to leave if the back rent isn't paid up and he doesn't start doing his bit. The banging on the door is just so inconsiderate.

I had to do this with my son and he did end up moving out. It was the best thing for our relationship and he is a lot more sensible now as a result.

Sounds like your parents would probably put him up but I'd encourage him to get his own place. Plenty of flatshares around!

neolara · 03/02/2016 08:30

Assume you have a young child in the house if you are collecting them from nursery. I wouldn't want to risk them finding drugs around the house.

I think I would probably issue an ultimatum. Come back drugged up again and you're out. Any drugs in the house and you're out.

SavageBeauty73 · 03/02/2016 08:46

The drugs sound like MDMA.

Kick him out. You are not helping him.

timelytess · 03/02/2016 08:51

Be prepared that when you kick him out (soon) his grandparents will take him in and he will abuse them, or at least abuse their hospitality. You really need to tell them the truth about him, tell them that you plan to tell him to leave, and that they must not take him in.

abbsismyhero · 03/02/2016 09:39

let his grandparents take him in they will soon change their tune when he takes the piss

i would call the police for banging in the early hours (although not on a busy night) tell them i think someone is trying to get in im scared and alone with children (disclaimer i might not but i would bloody well be tempted)

DespicableBee · 03/02/2016 09:55

Hes an adult, he can stand on his own two feet, he could rent a room in a shared house with other young people.
If he lives in your house he needs to respect your boundaries, personally i woukd give him a months notice to leave

Waltermittythesequel · 03/02/2016 10:00

You're enabling him to keep up this behaviour. A landlord wouldn't put up with his shite.

Tell him to get out.

shoeaddict83 · 03/02/2016 10:02

my parents charged us rent from the day we started earning which i consider fair! So i dont understand why he would say to you its unfair to charge an adult rent?!

I agree with other posters, you need him out and if the grandparents think the sun shines out his arse they can take him in and deal with 2am wake ups. He is not respecting you, your home or the fact you have work and a young child to look after too.

You cant have someone on drugs around a young child, what if he had picked up those packets thinking they were sweets?? Tough love is needed im afraid.

TheCrimsonPleb · 03/02/2016 10:09

Sounds like MDMA. Not what you want lying around if younger kids live in the house.

He is taking the piss and he needs to grow up and take responsibility. That will only happen if he has to fend for himself. As long as you are carrying him he won't change a thing.

He needs to get a house share or flatshare and join reality. If the grandparents take him in he'll inwvitably shit in the nest there too. They'll wise up to him.

steppemum · 03/02/2016 10:14

Please kick him out.

Give him a date, and say that by that date he has to be gone to his own place (or grandparents if they will have him)

I would speak to your parents, I wouldn't pass judgement, but give some facts - he wakes me up every morning at 2 am because he has lost his key, he is coming home regularly high on drugs and has drugs in the house, and so on. Tell them that you have decided he needs to find his own place where he can live as he pleases, then you will both be happier. If they want to take him in, that is up to them, but they need to know that he will do the same to them.
That way, you have warned them, but they have the choice.

Borninthe60s · 03/02/2016 10:19

I've been in same situation. I'd suggest telling him clearly what the boundaries are and if they aren't adhered to he needs to leave, then the first time he breaks one ask him to leave.

Your son has by the sounds of it been spending all his money on drugs. He is taking cocaine, MDMA, ecstasy or similar.

TPel · 03/02/2016 10:25

He is bringing drugs into a house with young children. He has to go.

Waltermittythesequel · 03/02/2016 10:27

If anyone got wind of the fact that you have an adult drug user living in the house with your young child you could be in hot water.

And rightly so, IMO.

If, and I know it's an if, he's taking MDMA he will be unpredictable and can be a very real danger.

Buttercup443 · 03/02/2016 10:34

Did you confiscate those bags? I'd have them tested by police if I were you.

Tough love is needed, I'm afraid. He needs to have a big wake up call now or will slide deeper into this world of drugs and coasting.

HPsauciness · 03/02/2016 10:43

The thing is, by allowing him to live with a very cheap rent at home, he has a lot of disposable income, which he is now putting to good use. A lot of people who use drugs just do what they have the money for- this is a good reason to get him out of the house, paying market rents and having to afford food. It won't necessarily stop him partying using these drugs, but it will make sure he doesn't have £800 a month to spend on himself, and that may be no bad thing.

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