At the end of my very long tether with my son .

[frumpet]

DS is 21 and still lives at home . He does nothing of use at home , ignores requests to stop doing things that cause me issues , owes me hundreds in rent and I always have to chase him , sometimes for weeks to get it . He regularly gets me up at anytime between 0200 and 0400 am as he has lost yet another key , this is on nights when I then have to get up at 0600am .

Monday night or should I say Tuesday morning he was standing at the door as I came downstairs , I let him in and it was obvious he was on drugs , he staggered about for a bit and I made him go to bed , he spent the next hour talking to himself loudly . When I went to get the milk in there were two little plastic bags on the doorstep containing creamy coloured powder , a bit like popping candy in consitency . I have no idea what this could be ?

By the time I got back from work last night he was in the shower and when I got back from collecting my son from nursery he had gone out again . He knew that I was really angry with him so I assumed he had gone out with friends . Cue 2am this morning when I was woken by him banging on the front door , let him in and he was in the same state again . It took me 20 minutes to get him to go to bed as I didn't want to leave him alone downstairs as he has form for leaving doors wide open , the gas on etc . I then couldn't sleep until about 5 and up again at 6 .

He very rarely apologises for any of his misdemeanors , I apparently am unreasonable for even considering charging an adult rent .

Unfortunately my parents see my son as golden boy who can do no wrong and they spend all week , giving him lifts the two miles to his place of work and back .

What the hell do I do with him ?????

And sorry it is so long .

did you see this that being discussed yesterday?

LetterToMySon

If social services got wind that there was an adult abusing drugs and posessing drugs around your young child you would have serious problems. What if they got hold of them? It's not like he is careful about where he leaves them.

It sounds like you have tried, but now it's time to get him to stand on his own feet. you are enabling him to continue behaving like this as there are no consequences. On his own, if he doesn't pay the rent he will get evicted, if he acts like an antisocial arsehole, he will be evicted. I think its time he learnt how to be a responsible adult. you need to tell him to leave and take a step back. Let him make his mistakes and learn from them.

Not going to say kick him out because I doubt any of us would do that when it came to the crunch but I'd sit him down and explain everything he is doing and how it is having a negative effect on your life and everyone else's.

If he's earning enough money I'd suggest he looks for a room in a flat share, that way he can take as many drugs as he likes without exposing you or any kids to them.

He's not that unusual, there's lots of young men like him nowadays - doesn't mean it's right, because it sure is not but I think he's been taking enough advantage of you already.

Not going to say kick him out because I doubt any of us would do that when it came to the crunch

I would.

My parents had to do this with my older brother when I was younger. They were heartbroken and worried sick about him but I honestly believe if they'd let him continue with his behaviour he'd be dead in a gutter somewhere.

I know his drug taking would have escalated and his drinking.

I know he would have kept taking the piss with work etc.

Forcing him to move out forced him to grow up and he became a lovely man with whom I'm very close.

If I hadn't experienced this, I probably wouldn't be so sure that it's exactly what I'd do though.

Not saying it's not the right thing to do and yes I do believe kicking him out would be a shock to his system and he'd HAVE to stand on his own two feet, I just doubt many parents would actually do it.

Kick him out where to exactly - the streets, I'd have more sleepless nights doing that than getting up to let him in.

Well, presumably most people mean kick him out as in tell him to find somewhere to live by X date.

As he's working he should be able to afford to rent (room in a HMO) if the grandparents aren't willing to have him.

Give him a months notice and let him get on with it (I'd be looking round for suitable places for him to speed it up). Let him see how his housemates feel about him waking them up in the night.

Well yes perhaps I've misread.

I've been in your situation, sounds like he's using MDMA. It's so easy to say kick him out, but that won't solve the problem and believe me it would just lead to more sleepless nights.

Talk to your parents and tell them straight what's really going on with him.

Good luck

My sister had to do this to my nephew. He wasn't taking drugs and banging on the door at stupid o'clock but was being disrespectful, lazy and not paying his way even though he earned a good salary. She gave him notice, helped him find a nice flat, gave him some cutlery etc. and cried a lot.

BUT it was the best thing for him and he even agrees now. He had to stand on his own two feet and support himself, do his own washing, shopping etc and it was the making of him.

It won't be easy but the time has come to tell him he has to leave.

Tell him the ground rules. no compromises (you have a toddler to consider). e.g. no coming home after 11pm. Loose your key, pay for another. Pay rent. Buy food. If he doesn't like them or breaks just one, then say 'well, it must be time for you to find your own place as this is how it needs to be here' and start flat hunting with him.

The banging on the door bit was more than inconsiderate as when I went to get the milk in this morning his key was lying on the floor next to the step so the stupid idiot had dropped it !!!

When I got back from work he was still in bed , he was using my laptop and the fool had his facebook still on , so I now know that what he had taken was valium , shrooms , alcohol, weed and possibly MDMA , so all in all a fucking miracle he was still breathing ! I have kept going in and counting his resps , checking his pulse and poking him hard in the ribs , pupils equal and reactive etc etc .

Thank you those of you who have mentioned social services , I had never even thought of that , the drugs on the doorstep were a wake up call though , what if my youngest had found them ? Doesn't even bare thinking about does it ?

Kick the fucker out and let him go to the grandparents who think he's the golden child and see how 'golden' he stays when they are opening the door to him at 2am stoned out of his brains with his packets of drugs scattered on the doorstep.

I kicked my son out at 17 and it was the best thing I ever did for both him and me and he will tell you that himself. We have a fantastic relationship now but when he was an abusive, disruptive, selfish, entitled little shit (and he wasn't taking drugs and banging on the door at 2 in the morning either) - out the door he went. And I mean 'out'. No grandparents. He kipped on friends' sofas for a bit, and yes I got the begging phone calls, and it was fucking hard, but it was the making of him and he'll tell you that himself. I couldn't wish for a better son. He's now 22, at uni, and we have the closest relationship you could imagine.

You aren't doing him, yourself or your other children any favours by letting him carry on he way he is. Just signing up for my grief and misery by accommodating his appalling behaviour.

Tell him to pack his bags and fuck off. If he won't do it, do it yourself and sling them out the door. I did. I also packed up the rest of his stuff and put in the shed in bin bags! Tell your parents that if they want to take him in, fine, that's up to them, but you've got other kids to think of and he's overstayed his welcome.

Seriously .. don't keep tolerating this. Kicking my son out when I did, as hard as it was, was the best thing I ever did for all of us.

Give him notice. The drugs on the doorstep should be your line in the sand.

Well I got up at 6 and he has gone . I left a message on his facebook page saying that I had kicked him out last night , stupid I know but I was so angry and fed up . He has slunk off and will no doubt spend the money he owes me and then expect to be able to crawl back in , in a couple of days . DH is back tonight and is also at the end of the tether with him .

Well, he has to stay "gone" for longer than a couple of days. Use this time to make a plan with your H and stick to it.

Stand firm Frumpet. I know how hard it is I honestly do. I remember how sad I felt in the weeks after I did it, on the verge of tears half the time, and then a while further down the line him calling me one night, pleading to come home, but I could tell he wasn't ready and I could tell from the things he was saying, he would probably be up to his old tricks again if I had let him.

He lived away for nearly two years in the end, and in that time he got his 'A' levels which he had flunked and had to restart twice with me because I couldn't get the little fucker out of bed in the mornings to go to college without World War 3 kicking off, and got himself three different part time jobs to work alongside his studies.

When he did come back he was a different kids and has told me since, many times, that what I did was the best thing I could have done for him, because it made him wake up to his responsibilities and learn to appreciate what and who was important. I honestly could not ask for a better son now.

In my case I really didn't have a lot of choice as I am a single mum who works from home and all the dramas and disruption he was causing was affecting my work and ability to earn the money to pay our bills. His younger sister was also preparing for her GCSEs and it was starting to affect her work too, so out he had to go.

Good luck and stay strong!