Division of labour

[CauliflowerBalti]

How does it work in your house?

We both work full time - but I run my own small (very busy) business and work from home. This creates a huge imbalance. Because I am here, I seem to naturally do more. Much much more. This is my working environment. I find it hard to focus when balls of dog hair are drifting about, or I can't get to the kitchen tap to fill the kettle because of all the dishes. I could leave some of the chores. I don't.

However.

My partner says he does as much as he can but he's Out Of The House All Day. He doesn't do as much as he can though, because he values his relaxation time and personal space. He will do anything I ask, but if I don't ask, he won't do it. He will come home and relax.

So as it stands, he cooks an evening meal 2 nights a week and clears up after dinner most evenings.

I do the rest of the cooking, all washing/drying/ironing/putting away, hoovering, mopping, empty the dishwasher in the morning, take stuff out to recycling, put the bins out, feeding, cleaning and exercising the (many) animals, sort out the online food shop and put it away, pick up the bits we need in the week from the shop, tidy, change the beds, change the towels, do homework, put boy to bed, get him up and out ready for school, take him to school and collect him, deal with all the school admin/fucking dress up days etc... Basically, everything else. All the doing takes ages - but it's not that. I feel solely responsible for the house. I can ask him, and he will do, but then I have to think to ask, and there's just so much to think about on top of running a Limited Company.

This is about the only thing we argue about. We are due to try and have a sensible discussion about it. We've only recently moved in together. Previously he lived alone - as he has for most of his adult life - and cooked/cleaned/washed etc. I know he can do it. My son isn't his, so some of the parenting-type chores will naturally migrate. But I think we need some clarity around Roles and Responsibilities (ha!). I am not a house elf and I don't want to be responsible for everything. It was OK when I was on my own. There was no-one else to do it. Doing it now while a grown adult watches. No.

So how does it all work in your relationship?

I will give him the opportunity to prove that he can change

Good luck with that OP!

Any particular method you have in mind? An ultimatum perhaps?

To give the Op's partner his due - if he's lived on his own for his entire life then he probably deiesn't have a clue how much work a child and lots of animals make. (Cleaning the floor EVERY day!

Secondly - I assume that the animals pre-dated him so he had no say in them being in the house? Keeping animals is a hobby and I'm sure it is a lovely one if you do love animals. But if you choose to have a hobby then you have to take responsibility for the unpleasant bits as well as the pleasant bits. Never once have I done a single winter training run for him that my Dh has to do in order to keep his stamina up for his hobby.

I do think that he is not doing enough. As a couple your "total work" will have gone down when he moved in (no "his place" to clean, economies of scale with cooking, washing etc) but it sounds like your work has gone up.

But as you are the one who presumably gets the "nice bits" of having a child and animals then you should be doing more work than him.

The only thing you need to be careful of is that if you do have a child together that you don't end up doing all the work for that baby too. It sounds like you think that would happen?

He might be a lovely man but he isn't lovely to live with. That is the crux of the matter. So many on here with the same issues. I'd agree with giving him a list of tasks and ask him which ones he wants to own as part of his responsibility for running the house. Tell him you won't remind him, he just has to get on and DO.
If he doesn't do the DO, then you really do have a man-child in your house and that is not manageable in the long term and certainly not father material.

He might be a lovely man but he isn't lovely to live with. That is the crux of the matter.

This.

He has lived with a woman for 1 year in his 43 year life: for cohabitation this is a red flag (sorry but it is)

He's OCD and super organized about his stuff.
But he couldn't give a flying feck about domestic stuff. Because he sees it as your stuff OP. Red flag now bunting-like.

He'll now take part in a rota so that he does some of your stuff for you

Underneath it he is still entitled. It's about his underlying values. These are unlikely to change.

I wouldn't feck about with rotas. I would simply start saying 'I am unhappy in this relationship because I no longer get treated like an equal'. If things don't change by ?March then I will be reconsidering our relationship and considering going back to living in separate homes. And I am continuing with contraception for the foreseeable future.

Because the bottom line is if you don't address the fundamentals you'll be chomping at the bit to dig that hole under the patio for him.

So he was very upset when he came home from work yesterday. And he did make a concerted some might say showy effort to make sure the house was tidy before bed.

I asked today whether he is only doing these things to appease the fire-breathing dragon he lives with. His reply: "I let myself down. No, I'm not cleaning clothes to appease the scary girlfriend. I'm doing it because it's fair and right. I am happy to do it. I want to do it."

I can't ask for more than that, can I? I feel awful that it came to this, because he was very upset and I don't like that. I wish we could have reached this point more amicably and with less shouting.

I'll report back if he slips...

"I feel awful that it came to this, because he was very upset and I don't like that".

Hmmm. You should be feeling great, vindicated even. He has been taking the piss for 5 months, you've finally called him on it, he's even admitted it all and you feel awful because he's upset? His feeling upset was entirely down to his own actions, wasn't it?

Have you thought that you've just taken on a bit more responsibility here - as well as everything else that you are responsible for you are now feeling responsible for him being upset. Yet another thing on your shoulders that rightfully belongs on his shoulders.

He doesn't get to do fuck all, disrespect you and then, to cap it all off, make you feel awful because he's "upset".

I do hope that he has had an epiphany (and I do think people can change if they truly want to), but just be on the lookout for any signs that he becomes very upset with himself again in the future as a means to get you to back off.

Good luck with it anyway - you sound as if you have a clear view of the situation, you love him but can acknowledge his flaws, you are not making too many excuses for him, and you have set down your expectations firmly. Ball very firmly in his court from now on.

I agree with your last para - but the rest... Not so sure. Even if someone's wretchedness is entirely their own fault, I can feel sorry for them. That's just empathy, isn't it? I don't regret raising the issue - I do wish I had done it more constructively. I intended for it to be all constructive, then got hit by a shitstorm of no sleep/terrible cold/insanely busy at work/PMT and exploded. I do regret that.

However. He did his second load of laundry last night. I gave him one of my son's 'Brilliant!' stickers after he did first one. But he has also been taking more responsibility for keeping the kitchen tidy. It's those things that matter really. My view on laundry is that whoever is near the bin when it it overflows should do it. My view on general mess is that if it's your mug/beer bottle/discarded pair of shoes, it's on you to clear it up.

Sure, I understand what you are saying. And it is a great quality to have. Essential in a relationship.

Did he have empathy for your wretchedness when you finally had enough? Or was that when he said he does enough and you did it all before you met me so what's different?

Did he have empathy when he sat and watched you cleaning the kitchen? And then put the recycling on the worktop for you to deal with?

Make sure empathy is not a one-way street.

I do genuinely believe he is sorry.

And I genuinely believe that he is... to put it kindly, a work in progress when it comes to relationships. He spent his 20s and 30s travelling and studying, learning new languages, volunteering with refugees. It has made him a very interesting, very intelligent, very worldly and empathetic human being with zero experience of mundane day to day domestic living. It's just not how he's lived. Our relationship by and large is a happy little love bubble but every now and then he'll do something so unbelievably TWATTY. Usually, I point it out and he is immediately full of remorse and never does it again. I rarely have to tell him anything twice. He really wants to make me happy.

But this time... This time it took him a while to see my point of view. But it's OK. He got there in the end.

Bloody hell millions of men up and down the country are rubbish when it comes to chores!

Cut him some slack! Animals & children......,,,,not his choice but he knew they were part of package ........does not know the practical chores they generate and how is that such a crime??

And those saying oh he's 43 too late to change etc well he's not changing is he, his circumstances have changed and he needs time to adapt

Dont let posters here make you doubt him too much.....,.

Also I must say your house, your dc your pets - when I was in your shoes I didn't expect my new fella to do anything and I do believe you should be doing the lions share with regards to your son and animals!

Bloody hell millions of men up and down the country are rubbish when it comes to chores!

Ah, that's OK then.

You basically need to add up all your work hours. Take off any lunch breaks

He needs to add together his commute plus work hours and then take off lunch breaks.

Thirdly list all the tasks that are done to keep the house running smoothly. Next to each job add an estimated time.

Lastly look at the list together. You both need to be left with the same amount of free time. Discuss which jobs you would both prefer to do.

Write a rota together

We have a fairly decent balance, though like you, OP, when I work from home I tend to do stuff like putting in washing or tidying up. I realised recently when DH and I WFH on the same day that I'd done washing, meal planning, internet shop, tidying, made breakfast, lunch and dinner and he hadn't done anything! To be fair, when I pointed it out, he was embarrassed and apologised.

We have a cleaner so most housework is taken care of, though he does hoover and wash the floor in between times if it needs it because I can't be arsed he notices it more. He irons his own shirts, does the DIY and most stuff in the garden though we pay someone to come in and do big jobs like cutting hedges. I do the meal planning and shopping and most of the cooking, and the washing. We both do the odd bits of tidying, emptying the dishwasher, bins, putting clothes away etc.

I think it's worked out well because MIL made sure he did stuff around the house from an early age and he also lived alone for a while so had to look after himself. Sometimes if I'm tired I wish he'd just cook dinner without me having to ask, but equally, he said he wished I'd just mow the lawn now and again! My parents also expected us to do chores and I lived alone for a few years and can look after myself too.

It's worlds apart from exDP who expected me to do everything because he earned more, even though we both worked FT and wouldn't lift a finger.