"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[pocketsaviour]

It's February 2016, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

[GastonsPomPomWrath]

I started to read through the 'daughters of narcissistic mothers' with my husband. I wanted him to read it so that he could understand because he had such a normal upbringing and it's sometimes difficult for him to get what I'm trying to say.

It was so eye opening that we sat and cried together. He finally gets it. Completely.

It's been another bad few days for me wrt my mother and her persistent mud slinging. Every single time we have to speak its about how aggrieved she is for whatever new or old reason she can think of and it's always my fault.

It's pathetic that I'm 27 years old and still being affected by her. I doubt myself. All the time. I feel like a nutcase because she's always telling me things that I've said or done, for example today it was all about me texting her something I didn't text her. She's convinced she has proof I said something horrible. I didn't. I know I didn't. But I've checked my conversations 6 times to be sure.

I don't know whether to laugh at her nonsense or cry about her vindictiveness

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Gastons

Am glad your DH finally gets it.

You are very much the daughter of a narcissistic mother and are acting out the usual parts associated with this as well right down to the FOG and self doubt. She has trained you to serve her, your needs and wants count for nothing.

Can you and he go now countenance no contact with your narcissistic mother; after all it is NOT possible to have a relationship with such a person in any event.

And not it is not pathetic that at 27 you are still profoundly affected by your mother. She was not a good parent to you was she.

She will not change, drop the rope she keeps holding out for you to grab. You need to now completely disengage from her altogether.

[GastonsPomPomWrath]

Attila, sorry it's taken a while to reply. I know that's the problem. She has me well trained. She does the classic all about her thing and lays on the guilt as thick as she can. I know what she's doing, it's just hard to stop it affecting me. I should brush it off but her words are utterly poisonous and it's hard not to be offended and hurt.

We do desperately want to sever the ties. We have engaged a solicitor but sometimes we still have to have the odd conversation unfortunately. My husband tries to be the one to deal with her but she won't talk to him. Anytime she does, she hurls abuse at him too.

After its all been dealt with, I am going to drop her like a hot potato. I cannot take her anymore. It's making my nerves bad just knowing that she is still there, on the periphery, waiting to pounce.

[Chiggers]

Just a quick update. As some of you may know, dad and I have made big leaps forward in our relationship. He had a stroke about 10 days ago and the most up-to-date drugs dad needed, to dissolve/disperse the clot that caused the stroke, can't be given due to his condition. He had an MRI scan and we found out that the cancer that spread from his bladder to his kidneys, has now spread to his spine. Drs reckon he has no more than 6 months to live, and that's giving it a wide berth. The Drs did say that he could pass on at any time, so we should keep our phones on in case they need to call us.

Anyway, I sat and spoke to dad yesterday about how I felt like mum and my brothers don't really want me around and that I've always felt like I was just about tolerated. The examples I gave were that I'd found out, on many occasions, that DB's, their OH's and DC had gone out with each other down town (either for a few drinks or to do a bit of shopping and have a bite to eat) and not once did any of them ring/text/email me to ask if either I/DH/DC/all of us want to join them. Same happens when they go for drinks at each other's house. DH says he's quite happy to sit in and watch footie while I go out, but I'm never invited. If we are having a party/few drinks, we always make a point to ring/text/email them and ring again later on to make sure they know they're invited over to our place.

I told dad that if I moved back to Wales, they'd not know until probably a year later as they'd have no interest in knowing if we were alive or dead unless it came to one of them having to ring me about another death in the family. I keep telling them that if they don't keep in contact, they won't know what's going on. I don't tell them anything now, as they are obviously not interested in our DC. I only found out that dad's cancer had spread when I phoned the hospital and spoke to the consultant. None of the rest of the family even bothered to tell me. When I told dad, he was absolutely furious told the consultant that I was to be the 1st one informed on the list of phone calls they'd make to the family. He is going to speak to my brothers and mum about their behaviour toward me and tell them to get their fecking act together and treat me with a lot more respect.

I haven't heard anything from my brothers today, so not sure if dad has said anything or if they're just ignoring me as per usual. TBH, I told dad that I'd probably move back to Wales without telling mum or my Brothers. He said "Well let's see how they like not being informed of important stuff, so go ahead. You have my support and blessing". It's all fucked up.

I'm going to miss dad big time when he goes , but I will get through this.

Anyway, how is everyone on here. I hope you're all getting through your situations as comfortably as possible.

[toomuchtooold]

Oh chiggers my heart goes out to you, and I'm so glad you and your dad are getting this chance to talk really honestly without the rest of your family getting in your way.

[evilpopstar]

Marking a place. I may want to post at some point but I'm not ready yet. My mum is horrid and cruel and has been all my life. It's really screwed me up.

[waitinggame1234]

Please can I join in? I'm really not coping with stuff atm. To cut a long story short, I recently had an ectopic pregnancy (and tube) removed. My parents came to "help" after the surgery. They repeatedly told me to let them know if I wanted them to go home. When I did this (after mum accused me of being the unhappy daughter for crying about it) they took a strop and haven't spoken to me since. Ffs how can someone do that to their daughter?

Has anyone else had to deal with the parents being the ones going nc?

[GoodtoBetter]

Yes, my mother (after many years being a cow) slagged me off to my brother, basically total character assasination and when I got upset and didn't want to talk to her on the phone, basically emigrated and we are now NC.

It doesn't feel like it now but it will ultimately be the beginning of a more peaceful life.

xx

[FlossieTurner]

evilpopstar just take your time and when you are ready to speak we are all here to listen.

Don't worry that your post is too long, too short, rambling or anything else. Absolutely nobody in here will judge, sneer or tell you what you say is of no value or interest

This is the warmest family in the world. It opens it doors to all comers and will give you the care and love that your family should have provided.

I have had to name change because of email problems but I have received comfort on here for such a long time and it has been a true life saver for me.

[portinastorm]

hello everyone
hope you are all getting through day by day.
im having little panic attacks, heart palpatations after the weekends events.

i cant decide whether she is mad or bad and i hate they way she makes me so stressed afterwards

have a good day everyone x

[incogKNEEto]

Hello again, sorry to just dump and run but l wanted to see if any of you had any advice for me on how l can stop my estranged mother leaving gifts (for dc's birthdays/Christmas) on my doorstep and today l received a hand delivered letter.

I have been NC for more than two years and she is still doing this! I really hate it as l feel on edge in the run up to birthdays and Christmas, and the letter was delivered today whilst l was at home with DD who is off school. It has really annoyed and upset me and l am thinking of sending just one'cease and desist' type letter telling her to leave us alone and that any further deliveries will be considered harassment.

Do you think this would work? Does anyone have any experience of stopping hoovering attempts? I hate the fact that she comes to my door, and l know she does it to upset me because otherwise why wouldn't she post it with Royal Mail?

I have totally ignored all letters/cards/gifts so far and just burn cards and take opened gifts straight to my local charity shop but l just want her to stop.

[incogKNEEto]

Fantastic, DD just found a gift and card addressed to me on the doorstep when we left for the school run. Really hate this l feel trapped in my own home

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

incog

I would continue to ignore all your mother's attempts at manipulation; contact from you is the reward that she wants. Do not send her any communication directly from you.

The following excerpt from Lightshouse may well be helpful to you:-

"The toxic hooverer doesn’t truly care about you either — they just want to keep you around to feed on emotionally, and when you decide to go no contact, they don’t plan on letting you get away that easily.

Many hooverers have traits of borderline, narcissistic, antisocial or histrionic personality disorders. People with Dependent Personality Disorder may also hoover.

Hoovering is manipulation to gain control over your choice to distance yourself, and typically takes the following forms:

•Ignoring your requests to break off the relationship and attempting to continue on as if nothing has changed.
.
•Asking you when you’re going to “get over it” and return to your past actions.
.
•Sending you a fake apology to give you hope that things have changed.
.
•Trying to trick you into contact by saying someone needs you, is sick, or in trouble.
.
•Triangulating with others, communicating things to you through them.
.
•Saying they’re worried about you, concerned about whether you’re okay, need to know where you are, etc.
.
•Sending unwanted cards, messages and gifts, sometimes gifts for your children, as they know you are likely to feel guilty about keeping a gift from your kids. Don’t allow this – exposing your children to manipulation is far worse!
.
•Returning old items you left behind.
.
•Baiting you with drama games.
.
•Contacting you about “important” things they “forgot” and suddenly have to tell you.

Don’t Fall for Hoovering Tactics

Attempts to pull you back into a toxic relationship are not valid expressions of caring and concern — they are attempts to regain control over your behaviour. Beware — hoovering attempts are often disguised as caring, loneliness, hurt, desperation, fear, illness, and other things designed to play on your sympathies and pull you back. Abusers know that pulling on heartstrings works very well. (In the case of BPD, it may be simply out-of-control emotions and fear of abandonment more than an attempt to control you per se; however you will likely still feel that you are not being allowed to end a relationship you no longer want).

If your wish to end a relationship is not being honoured, whatever a toxic person thinks will work best on you will be what they try, so when one angle doesn’t work, they will try another, and another, ramping up their efforts until it seems they might never stop. Typically, hoovering DOES stop if the person being hoovered does not fall for the hooverer’s tricks.

The sooner the person being hoovered completely ignores everything and does not respond to anything at all in any way, the sooner the toxic person finally understands that they do not have the control. Some toxic people may still make the occasional attempt on holidays, anniversaries of events, etc. Don’t bite the bait. Simply ignore any attempts.

If you have already made it clear that you do not want a relationship (or if it’s obvious) then DON’T ever contact the person doing the hoovering to tell them to stop again, or how angry you are. That is a reward. They will be thrilled to receive your attention and pleased to know that their efforts have paid off by snagging you, so they’ll be contacting you even more!

Harassment

If you have told someone you do not want contact, and they continue to bother you, the police can assist you. If you ever feel that someone you are trying to break off a relationship with may be capable of more than simply annoying you mildly, contact your local police for assistance. They are well-accustomed to dealing with skillful manipulators and have many smart ways of handling them, so do not hesitate to ask for help. (And remember, you have nothing to be ashamed about; you’re not the one behaving badly, and the police are there to protect you from abuse)."

More Here: lightshouse.org/lights-blog/when-toxic-people-start-hoovering#ixzz3zmKrPDDc

[incogKNEEto]

Thanks Attila, that information is exactly what l have been doing but she's still doing it! I looked back over past stately homes threads and l went NC in October 2012!

I just wondered whether one text/letter would get her to realise it's pointless to try and reel me in because l am not interested, now or ever? The letter she sent me was all about my traumatic birth and how her counsellor has said it can lead to problems later in life with feelings of loneliness and abandonment. She is deluded, l am so tempted just to text that 'the reason l am NC with you is because of of things I can remember not things l can't'. The only reason l feel loneliness and abandonment is because when my parents split up my Dad left us with her and he knew what she was like...

[incogKNEEto]

Also, because l never explicitly said to her 'leave me alone/do not contact me again' then l can't ask police to have a word with her to get her to stop, so l'm stuck, ignoring her isn't making her stop, so what do l do?

[incogKNEEto]

Have just opened the card and gift on the doorstep, it's a teddy bear purporting to be my childhood bear who has apparently been in 'hibernation' and now needs a cuddle...l've never seen this bear before...

[sphinxster]

Hello! I'm dropping in on the recommendation of some brilliant people who have been giving me advice on a thread regarding my husband's parents.

Their relationship hasn't been great. They don't communicate very well. They're very old fashioned: they're racist, sexist, homophobic and generally quite ignorant. My DH worked hard at university and has worked hard in his career and they've never offered any encouragement or praise for his efforts. In fact, at his graduation his mum said "I didn't think he'd do it". They make very little effort when he's been back to visit.

We had and first child four months ago (nicknamed fluffy on previous threads). He got into a pickle in utero and had to be delivered by emergency caesarean at 36 weeks followed by a stint in NICU. He's now a happy, giggly, healthy little monkey who has both of our surnames and that's the problem.

Since PILs found out he has my surname as well as theirs they've mostly ignored us with the occasional message about how devastated they are and how we don't care about them. DH facilitated some Skype contact with their grandson in the hope that they would get over it but after weeks of painfully silent and impolite Skype calls, I asked dh to put a stop to it.

They've withdrawn all parental love and support because we gave fluffy both of our names. DH has attempted to sort it out and communicate but they're going round in circles.

It seems we're now at a stage of no contact until they can resolve their issue over fluffy's name (unlikely). DH is upset and angry and guilty and hurt.

So, I suppose I'm over here to help DH cope with this.

BTW, they never took him to a stately home.

Thanks for reading.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Incog

I would have a word with the Police anyway re this ongoing harassment. They should be able to advise you further.

You need to continue to ignore all of this crap your mother leaves you on your doorstep. You must not respond to any of her hoovering behaviours.

re your comment:-

"Have just opened the card and gift on the doorstep, it's a teddy bear purporting to be my childhood bear who has apparently been in 'hibernation' and now needs a cuddle...l've never seen this bear before..."

Do not give either item any house room or any further power; all of this needs to be disposed of today. Infact I would dispose of any further items from her without opening or reading of any missives.

Its your mother's ongoing attempts to draw you back into the dysfunctional fold, she is wanting to get a reaction from you. That is why she persists.

Do not respond to any of your mother's manipulations here, its what she truly wants. Tempting as it is do not respond!. None of this is being done out of any concern for your wellbeing, its simply further examples of how disordered of thinking she truly is. It is not your fault she is like this.

Sorry to repeat do not respond but it is imperative that you do not respond at all to her so called gifts or missives.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome Sphinxster,

Have responded to you on your other thread so will not repeat. Was wondering whether your DH has read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as yet?.

Your red wine, madam

[incogKNEEto]

Thank you Attila l needed to hear that l am going to ignore.

I usually burn everything without opening, but opened the card on the outside of the 'gift' because l had no idea what or why she was leaving a gift for me...she has only tried to leave gifts for dc before, dh and l get a Christmas card but that's it usually, thank goodness. The card said 'l was asked to deliver this to you' so l thought it was from someone else stupidly!

I am surprised though, usually l feel sick and shaky when l see her writing but this time l just feel angry and a bit confused, so l suppose that's progress!

Thanks for taking the time to remind me to keep that boundary up and strong.

[incogKNEEto]

Dh says you are very wise...and that what you've said is exactly what he always says... never hurts to hear it from another trusted source though

[sphinxster]

Atilla I can't get the book delivered to where we live so going to have to wait until we visit. I have toxic in laws on my iPad/kindle (but I still need to crack on with that).

I hope that's a Malbec

[whitehandledkitchenknife]

Hello everyone.
chiggers - I hope the time spent with your dad is healing. Thinking of you.
incog - what Attila says, with knobs on.
portina - hang in there, the palpitations and panic attacks are your body telling you that something is deeply wrong. Your guts are literally telling you to back away and get rid. Hope you're feeling a little calmer today.

And sphinxster - you found it. I do hope the wine is to your liking.(I may have drunk all the Malbec).

[toomuchtooold]

portinastorm stay strong. Hope it all calms down for you soon.
KNEE it sounds to me like she is getting a bit desperate with the hoovering and that's why she's stepped it up. Hopefully there's not much left.
sphinxter congratulations on the birth of fluffy! I think you have had a lucky escape because I suspect the surname choice would have been the first in a long, long list of things they would have felt entitled to take offence at. And it only gets worse as the kids get older. I bet your DH is expert at managing his parents but with kids in the house there come times when you gave to choose between managing the kids and managing the crazy grandparents, and the kids win.

I've been thinking a bit about stuff. Talked to the therapist today about being shouty with the kids and she gave me some excellent advice about boundaries and stuff, so hoping that will help. It's about the most important thin I can get out of therapy, I think.
Other thoughts - DH and I were talking about why didn't we go NC with my mother sooner. He would have loved it, and I was like "why didn't you say so?" But I think what it was is that he always suggested confronting her and I didn't and don't want to do that. I don't think he fully copped on for a long time what she was like, that she doesn't respond to reason and the only way to win her game is not to play it. I always kept her on a low boil to avoid having to have and in depth conversations with her about w.g. why I don't like her, and thought estrangement was too hard, would mean too much fighting. But moving country without leaving forwarding contact details turns out to be pretty effective, if a slightly dramatic way to do it.

I was also thinking about overachieving. I have on order that "when will I ever be good enough" book about childhood with a demanding mother. I know what it will say, that daughters of demanding, somewhat narcissistic mothers derive all their self worth from external achievements and feerl like they have to work hard and achieve in order to deserve a place in the world. OK so I know a ton of people like that and they were not all abused. I think the difference is if you grow up with an emotionally abusive mother with full blown NPD you just don't really feel like you deserve a place in the world full stop, and while there re probably a ton of things you feel obliged to achieve, none of it delivers much peace and it's hard to keep caring. Not always, sometimes I've done things I really care about from my own internal values and that's always gone great. But those people who rock up at work day after day and never seem to lack purpose as long as they are getting good pay rises, Christ, I wish i had the stamina for all that.

[Chiggers]

Good morning ladies. How is everyone today? I hope you're all keeping your chin up and battling on like the strong, wonderful people you all are.

Just a quick update. I have found much comfort in my staffies. They make me laugh because they're totally crazy. My male staff rolls about, on the floor, on his back and shouts/grumbles/moans at thin air/floor. My female staff just looks at him as if to say "WTF has he been smoking"

Anyway, don't know how dad is doing as I decided to wait for a phone call from my brothers. Still waiting. Am going up with a nursing auxiliary friend who is working on dad's ward. She'll be able to let me know how dad is. Dad has written a note giving her permission to let me know how he is, if I can't get up to see him. I got that sorted the last time I saw him, as I knew my friend would be working on his ward. She said that she is happy to drive me up to see him when she isn't working/working on his ward (I can drive atm due to the effects of my new meds, but will be able to continue driving when I get used to them). .

It's hard when you're made to feel like your not wanted/loved/welcome etc. It's depressing when you feel like you're only just being tolerated by the rest of your family, and even subtly ostracised (being left out of decisions etc). The extent of it is: when I walk into mum's/brothers houses, I feel like they want me out of there quick. It's feels like they can't wait to get rid of me. I went to mum's house with another friend ages ago and she remarked that dad made them feel incredibly welcome, but the atmosphere with my mum was that we weren't welcome.

When my brothers call at mum's, mum fusses around them, makes them tea and sandwiches, yet when I go round with the kids, she barely looks at me never mind asking if I want a cuppa. That's why I rarely go round there. Even the kids have picked up on that. They only go round to see dad because he loves to natter to them, hug'em and spoil them a bit by giving them a few quid. Mum gives them nowt and begrudges giving the kids a drink of water, yet is quite happy to make my nieces chicken nuggets and chips/sandwiches/whatever they fancy. Clear favouritism IMHO and a few friends have told me to keep my eyes open for this. I can see what they're on about, but denied it and tried to reason it away. Fortunately, my friends, as well as dad, are totally disgusted at the way mum and my brothers have treated me over the years.

I didn't take much notice of their treatment of me and, as I said above, I tried to reason it all away with excuses. I realise that it was my 'familial duty' to make excuses for their behaviour, as opposed to treating them like any other human being. The best bit is, the more I try to interact with my family, the more I realise that my dogs do a better job at being a true family member than my 'D'B's and mum. Even my uncles are doing a better job, although dad's youngest DB (DU2) is the one who also knows my situation and fully understands where I'm coming from. My older uncle (DU1, and dad's younger brother) doesn't know of my situation as dad and DU2 haven't told him. They won't as I've told them not to make a fuss about it as I'll handle it in my own time and in a calm and appropriate way. So,........ I have dad's and DU2's support and understanding of the situation.

Thanks for listening to my moaning folks and bashing your ears for a bit. It can be quite cathartic having a good auld whinge

Sometimes getting a different perspective can help us see a lot more than we actually do ourselves. More so because we're in the thick of things and don't see what others/outsiders do.