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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you find this upsetting or am I being over sensitive?

47 replies

Libbyella · 02/02/2016 15:18

I am not usually a precious snowflake but I am feeling really upset at something DH has done today. He thinks I am being oversensitive and that it was just a joke.

Every few months, DH will get into a bad mood for seemingly no reason at all. During that time he is uncommunicative, snappy, smirks all the time and makes smart arse comments. He is currently sort of in one of those moods.

We went to a supermarket this afternoon after going out for lunch as we're both working from home today. We got a rope chew toy for the dog amongst many other things.

At the till, as the man scanned the dog toy, DH picked it up, smirked, tried to put it in my mouth and said "Here you go", as if I was a dog. He said it in a really horrible tone, like it was a tone designed to bring me down a peg or two. Of course, the young lad operating the till burst out laughing and I just felt humiliated.

I ignored it at the time and then when we got to the car I said to DH that he was out of order and that I felt humiliated. As I said, he thinks I need to lighten up and that I am being oversensitive. I like a joke and a laugh, but I just feel like he crossed the line today.

OP posts:

LidikaLikes · 02/02/2016 15:20

If it's a problem for you then it's a problem. DH should respect your boundaries.

I would have also been very upset and humiliated, esp as it was in public and the checkout boy laughed too.

How have things been since?

Original poster

Libbyella · 02/02/2016 15:21

Well he is now in a bad mood with me for not taking a joke!

OP posts:

Whathaveilost · 02/02/2016 15:21

He crossed a line.

Etak15 · 02/02/2016 15:21

Maybe if you were having a fun day and a mess about around the shop it might have been funny, but given that he's being a nob in an arsey mood at the mo and you know that it wasn't done in a jokey way then your not being over sensitive he was being nasty.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 02/02/2016 15:21

I think he's a cunt. Based on this alone I also think you and every other woman in the universe are far too good for him and you should fuck him right off, never mind the other stuff about him in your post.

clearingaspaceforthecat · 02/02/2016 15:29

The context of the 'joke' is important. From everything you have said it was not a light-hearted, good natured, playful joke, played in the context of having an enjoyable time together. If it had been, and you had expressed you were hurt by it, then surely a caring partner would apologise?

kaitlinktm · 02/02/2016 15:29

Well he is now in a bad mood with me for not taking a joke

Jokes are supposed to be funny. If his idea of a joke is to imply that his wife is ugly - that says more about him than you.

Hope he finds this joke funny.

Would you find this upsetting or am I being over sensitive?

moopymoodle · 02/02/2016 15:41

Hmmm. If your bother bantering around the shop then I guess it's funny.

But as he's been an arse all day to you, I can see why you didn't find it funny tbh. It's all in the current mood of the relationship and the context he did it.

ItchyArmpits · 02/02/2016 15:41

I would find it upsetting and infuriating if my DH belittled me in front of strangers, presumably to make himself feel good.

I think he owes you an apology, and had I been the person on the checkout, I would not have laughed.

ImperialBlether · 02/02/2016 15:43

I would find it upsetting and infuriating if my DH belittled me in front of strangers, presumably to make himself feel good.

Exactly this.

If I were the person on the checkout I'd think, "That poor woman, putting up with that twat."

Iloveyoutilltheend · 02/02/2016 16:42

I agree. People are way way too quick to reach for the "just a joke"and oversensitive lines. All the latter means is you react badly to being belittled. Pretty out of order behaviour imo.

BunnyTyler · 02/02/2016 16:51

If you were both messing around and this is something you would usually do with each other then I suppose it's fine.

But in the context of your first post and if it's not a usual way for you to both behave then I don't think you are being over sensitive at all.
He was a twat.

Fugghetaboutit · 02/02/2016 16:54

If he said it in a horrible tone, as you said he did then no you aren't being oversensitive. Maybe you give him the silent treatment now?

Jan45 · 02/02/2016 16:56

Massively crossed a line OP, he humiliates you in front of a stranger and akins you to a dog, and you are meant to find that funny, if I was 12 years old I might but seriously, the whole purpose of that was to make you feel shit, and it worked didn't it.

What a sad, little man.

Morasssassafras · 02/02/2016 16:56

I would have found it upsetting. I would have thought that I was being over sensitive and that he was right that I couldn't take a joke.

I eventually found a list of abusive behaviours and it turns out I could tick over half of them and he was actually an abusive arsehole.

NameChange30 · 02/02/2016 16:56

Humiliating you in front of other people and giving you the silent treatment are both signs of emotional abuse. Is there anything else on the list that he does?

WickedWax · 02/02/2016 16:58

So he behaves like a cunt then tells you you're oversensitive if you don't like or accept his behaviour.

I would tell him to fuck off out and only come home when he's ready to 1.apologise and 2.snap out of his bad mood.

Then I'd have a think about whether I wanted to continue in a relationship with someone who is a total twat "every few months" for "seemingly no reason at all".

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 02/02/2016 17:00

If my husband had done that ro me I would have til him that even on my worst say I am still better than him. That's not a stealthboast, its more of a wtf? He upsets you and then gets upset with you??? Wow. Tell him his joke wasn't funny but the fact he made himself look like a complete dick is slightly amusing. You were very mature and dignified, he wouldn't like me very much
for you lovely
for your husband, use it to train him....

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 02/02/2016 17:01

told and day stoopid auto-correct!

Sparkletastic · 02/02/2016 17:07

I couldn't put up with this sort of treatment once a year let alone every few months. He sounds like he is trying to humiliate you - does he resent you in some way?

invisiblegorilla · 02/02/2016 17:08

He's upset with you because he expects you to take it whenever he gets into one of these 'moods', and now that you've called him out about his shitty behaviour he's doubling down.

It all sounds rather deliberate, OP, even if it is once every few months. Whether he's feeling crap in general or what have you, he's still picked you out as the person he's going to treat like shit whenever the fancy takes him.

mybloodykitchen · 02/02/2016 17:14

Well of course he says it's 'only a joke' and you should 'lighten up'. That's the bully's get out clause isn't it?

I think you're a big fat cunt Mr Libbyella. What? Not funny? You need to lighten up. You just can't take a fucking joke, that's your problem. Sheesh

See, it really is that easy.

lorelei9 · 02/02/2016 17:19

that's not a joke

it was designed to hurt in my opinion

sorry

I wonder how he'd feel if you had done that to him?

Millipedewithherfeetup · 02/02/2016 17:20

Show him this thread, it may help him to realise that he is in the wrong here and needs to accept it and apologies, if he however refuses to "back down ", then the ball really is in your court, only you can decide your next step.

MrsLiamNeeson · 02/02/2016 17:20

I would be really upset if DH said that to me. That really crosses a line.

He's being a shit. Sorry

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