Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Would you find this upsetting or am I being over sensitive?

47 replies

Libbyella · 02/02/2016 15:18

I am not usually a precious snowflake but I am feeling really upset at something DH has done today. He thinks I am being oversensitive and that it was just a joke.

Every few months, DH will get into a bad mood for seemingly no reason at all. During that time he is uncommunicative, snappy, smirks all the time and makes smart arse comments. He is currently sort of in one of those moods.

We went to a supermarket this afternoon after going out for lunch as we're both working from home today. We got a rope chew toy for the dog amongst many other things.

At the till, as the man scanned the dog toy, DH picked it up, smirked, tried to put it in my mouth and said "Here you go", as if I was a dog. He said it in a really horrible tone, like it was a tone designed to bring me down a peg or two. Of course, the young lad operating the till burst out laughing and I just felt humiliated.

I ignored it at the time and then when we got to the car I said to DH that he was out of order and that I felt humiliated. As I said, he thinks I need to lighten up and that I am being oversensitive. I like a joke and a laugh, but I just feel like he crossed the line today.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/02/2016 17:22

Why are you his emotional punchbag when he feels down? What thought process is he going through? He feels a bit crap so he makes himself feel better by taking it out on you. He feels low so he cheers himself up by pushing you lower.

I suspect he thinks he is better than you so if he is feeling down he boosts his ego by reminding you and himself of the "fact" that you are worth less than him in his world.

ricketytickety · 02/02/2016 17:22

Why does he get like this every few months?

Do you feel humiliated by him often?

You feel like this because he made you feel this way. He did humiliate you. Do you think the boy laughed out of shock rather than sharing the joke?

Terribleknitter · 02/02/2016 17:23

I hate that 'it's just a joke' attitude that seems to be directed at anyone who doesn't take someone else's shit lying down.
There's a certain type of person who seems to think that they can say anything to anyone and get away with it - I know one of these and he's usually excused with 'oh you know what he's like, it's just his way'. He knows that I think he's the towns biggest dickhead because I told him so he doesn't even speak to me now! He hates anyone calling him out on it - usually women tbh - and will actively avoid anybody who stands up to him.

Does your H know how you feel about his moods? How he makes you feel and how you see him when he's acting like this? Not just pathetic 'jokes' like that but all of it. I would let loose at him - calmly and firmly (at least at first) tell him of it makes you loose respect or love for him when he expects you to stand there and take his shit just because he's in a bad mood. Ask him how he would feel if you personally insulted him in public or bit his head off regularly just because you felt like it. Ask him if he would speak to a work colleague or his parents like that.
sorry for the rant! Good luck.

Alicewasinwonderland · 02/02/2016 17:28

I don't find that very funny, but that's not the point: it made YOU uncomfortable, so that's not on. It is upsetting.

I wouldn't let that go. If he is really in a dark place at the moment, I am not sure I would start a row which would end nowhere. I would however raise the issue properly once he is back to "normal".

I know you shouldn't have to tip toe around someone, but in real life, you do to keep the peace. However, I hope you won't be afraid to stand for yourself and make a point that he crossed a line. Good luck!

NameChange30 · 02/02/2016 17:29

Please don't show his this thread as a PP suggested. It's not going to miraculously make him see the error of your ways. It will also allow him to intrude on your privacy and a source of support.

NameChange30 · 02/02/2016 17:30

Argh, typos!
Please don't show him this thread
It's not going to make him miraculously see the error of his ways

Resilience16 · 02/02/2016 17:31

This chimed with me. The ex thought it was ok to make snidey little so called jokes about my appearance etc mainly in front of other people. The idea is to wear down your self confidence, put you in your place, make you doubt yourself.
If I pulled him on it I was " too sensitive".
It was all part of the bigger picture of his emotional abuse, and contributed to me leaving him.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/02/2016 17:40

Unless your partner makes a habit of humiliating you in public, maybe it was a very poorly thought out joke to lighten the mood he had created? You should expect an apology from him without a doubt but to label it as 'emotional abuse' seems extreme to me.
Everyone gets in a bad mood occasionally ?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/02/2016 17:45

My XH used to do this sort of thing. Note the X part of XH. He had deep issues with women (arising from his relationship with his mother, and him turning into an arsehole) After 20 yrs I had enough. He always pretended he didn't get it when I tried to explain. I was banging my head against a brick wall. I hope your twat of a husband gets it in time, but if he doesn't, don't leave it as long as I did.

financialwizard · 02/02/2016 17:48

Do you think he is having issues at work or he is down/depressed about something?

Not that it excuses his behaviour.

Personally I would tell him how damn rude it was in no uncertain terms and I'd also be telling him it won't happen again. However I would also wait until he was more even tempered.

It could be/turn into emotional abuse but he also might have been trying to lighten the mood bybeingatwat

Duckdeamon · 02/02/2016 17:52

How long do these "moods" tend to last?

NameChange30 · 02/02/2016 18:00

"Everyone gets in a bad mood occasionally"

Maybe, but most people's bad moods don't consist of humiliating their partners and accusing them of being "over sensitive" if they say it upset them. Most reasonable people apologise rather than blaming their partner.

Resilience16 · 02/02/2016 18:01

I think it is interesting you are being advised to "wait until he is in a better mood" before discussing it with him. You are the upset party here, but you are being told to pussyfoot round poor hubby?
Yes, there is a big difference between someone being in the occasional bad mood, and someone constantly trying to undermine you.
HoweveriIf someone is being rude to you/humiliating you on a regular basis, and you are having to modify your response/behaviour to avoid upsetting him further then the relationship is on very dodgy ground.

NameChange30 · 02/02/2016 18:03

Well said Resilience.

DoreenLethal · 02/02/2016 18:07

He thinks I am being oversensitive and that it was just a joke

Of course he says that - because he is a cunt. A nice husband wouldn't dream of that sort of behaviour.

Jan45 · 02/02/2016 18:07

Yes why should you bloody wait, he's not some kind of god you have to wait in line for.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/02/2016 18:08

Resilience seems to have made a good point. It's a problem if his insulting behaviour becomes a pattern and he humiliates you on a regular basis.

Iwonderif · 02/02/2016 18:13

And he gets "all weird" every few months? That's not fair & doesn't sound right to me. Especially if you can see that this is happening regularly. How long has this been going on? Years & years? Or recently?

I would find this really hard. Not knowing when a weird spell was going to happen. Walking on eggshells. That was awful what he did to you in the shop. I think there's more to this OP I'm afraid. A partner is never meant to humiliate you on purpose. It was cruel and so massively way out of order.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/02/2016 18:19

Would he have laughed if you'd done the same to him and he'd been the one the cashier laughed at?

If the answer is NO then it isn't a joke is it? I suspect he would have had an almighty strop if you had done it to him.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 02/02/2016 18:25

I would find this hugely disrespectful and thankfully my Dh would think so too. It is humiliating.

amarmai · 02/02/2016 21:02

if you have cc they are being set a horrendous example in how to treat women- as was the cashier.I am dismayed at the feeling of hatred of you that his actions show. This is not good for you to live with and must be destroying the quality of your life. How much longer will you take this abuse, op?

AyeAmarok · 02/02/2016 22:07

Hmm. I don't know. My DP will sometimes make unfunny 'jokes' at the checkout, eg they'll ask if we want a bag for something heavy and he'll say something about asking me as I'm the one who'll be carrying it. Har har har (he always carries things so it's a shit joke anyway and the cashier probably just thinks he's a twat. He's not).

Anyway, that's a sort of "put me in my place" joke. A shit one. But there is absolutely no malice in it.

But implying you're a dog just has a different edge of nasty to it. Probably because of the 'bitch' or 'ugly' connotations that come with it.

So that, coupled with the bad mood and sulking at you (ergo there's an element of punishment in there too) I don't think you're being overly sensitive at all.

Flip

1 2