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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My wife is very unhappy

75 replies

Goosed6669 · 02/02/2016 14:11

Hi it was my wife's birthday the other day I got her a charm for her bracelet and a bag for her bike a bunch of flowers. The children made her a cake and bought cards and a birthday balloon. The older whom are all earning bought a bracelet the she was going to get as her other one was a bit big . On the day she came down to open her parcels . But unfortunately it was aparent that none of the things we got lived up to her expectations.
I said to her that I would take her out to lunch but that was brushed off . I am a crap cook but never the less tried to cook something it was a failure and nobody liked it. Then the children came through with the cake but that also was a disaster as the children used coconut oil in it rather than rapeseed oil and you could hardly cut it . The whole day was a disaster.
Now she is very unhappy and wants to leave , her birthday's have allways been a bit of a stumbling block as I am not good at buying the right things or making her feel valued. But she is the love of my life and we have 6 children and been together for over 20 year's .I don't know what to do ???

OP posts:

AWhistlingWoman · 03/02/2016 09:21

That's a good point baby I have been trying to think about what my reaction would have been had this been posted by a woman about a man.

I think I still would have thought that there was something deeper than just this situation? Perhaps it is because my family don't tend to do birthday presents for grown ups but I would be pretty shocked to think of a grown man sulking over an inadequate birthday present too?!

I don't think I would have been more upset over the semi-rejection of the DCs efforts. I do think that is mean coming from a father or a mother.

But I should have thought about the cooking! How did that sneak past me! I've been had! By gender socialisation and most likely by this post too

OhShutUpThomas · 03/02/2016 09:26

AF has it.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 03/02/2016 10:03

Well said babynumber3

MN is often very anti-men.

BertPuttocks · 03/02/2016 10:15

If a woman had posted, the advice would have gone along the lines of:

Why, after 20 years of marriage and 6 children, are you a crap cook? Does this mean that your dh has been doing all the cooking for the past 20 years? No wonder the poor man was upset when you couldn't even manage to produce something edible on his birthday. Why don't you sign up for a course/buy some cookery books for beginners?

Did he want or need the things you had bought him, or were they a panic buy? After 20 years together, why don't you know what kinds of things he might like? Does he know what kinds of things you like? What does he do for your birthday?

His reaction seems drastic. Is there more to it? What do you mean when you say you don't make him feel valued?

Not really all that different from the response the OP has had.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 03/02/2016 10:23

Never mind "reversing the genders" you do all know that these threads by "men" are complete fabrication don't you ?

Exactly.

Also, all this "Sexist" shite ignores the fact that, usually, the Relationship board is heaving with women complaining about men making a mess of special occasions. Also ignores that unless the woman in question is a jerk, it's verrrrr unlikely that she would throw her toys over one instance of a birthday not being to her satisfaction, so it stands to reason there's more going on here. Come on, MN! Usually you guys are falling all over yourselves to come up with some other "logical" explanation for someone's poor behaviour (mental illness / their dog died / their cousin ran off with their step-brother twice removed), yet in this instance you're sure the man is lovely and the wife is a definite jerk? Actually, yes, you're right, there's definitely some sexism going on here, but not aimed at the bloke.

And Blonde, you clearly think that 99.9% of the women on here need to "loosen up", since that's been your refrain on most threads. Are you a man, by any chance? At the very least a PBP.

Towardsthesun · 03/02/2016 11:34

Every time a man posts, someone kicks off this same argument. It's boring. I can genuinely never see how the answers would be different, whatever gender the poster is.

NickiFury · 03/02/2016 11:54

I don't think MN is anti men at all. Mostly I observe nauseating fawning around any man that deigns to post. If not that then desperation to prove that Men Don't Get A Rough Ride Here even if there's clear holes in his story.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 03/02/2016 11:58

"Congrats for posting, individual with a penis!" being a clear example of said ass-kissing.

HelpfulChap · 03/02/2016 12:10

MN isn't anti-men in my limited experience.

Mind you, I haven't seen any of this fawning of which you speak. Well at least in my direction. Understandable.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2016 17:27

< hangs off HC's manly shoulder >

HelpfulChap · 03/02/2016 17:30

Thanks.I feel much better now

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 03/02/2016 17:38

Oooh, HelpfulChap, your anti-patriarchy rhetoric is looking soooo buff! Have you been reading up?

HelpfulChap · 03/02/2016 17:43

This is going to my head now. I'm starting to blush.

(Hides in corner)

janaus · 03/02/2016 17:53

It will be ' the straw that broke the camels back '

I know exactly how she feels.

She is not ungrateful. She is a very caring person.

She needs you to show her you really care.

TheCarpenter · 03/02/2016 17:54

Man joins forum with a predominately female audience, man is unable to think of user name without 69 in the title.

Solid 5/7 OP!

stopbangingonthefloorboy · 03/02/2016 17:57

OP still hasn't returned, has "he"?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 03/02/2016 19:24

Nope. But "men" appear to be taking over the relationship board in the last 2 days. And people are buying it, for some bizarre reason.

DespicableBee · 03/02/2016 19:49

If she has six children, on her birthday she probably needs a break, take her away for the weekend without the children, or organise a weekend at home where she does zero cooking zero housework, the children can all help
The bike bag present is abit crap tbh, my dh would have bought me something like that as a joke present, then I would have opened my real presents
If you could get a babysitter, could you have organised lunch or dinner , or spa, with her friends, so she can have some me time and feel special on one day of the year

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 03/02/2016 20:31

MN is often very anti-men.

No, but there are a lot of people on Mumsnet lately who are very anti-Mumsnet.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2016 20:54

Funny, that

Not funny ha-ha

mathanxiety · 03/02/2016 20:56

//// /

babynumber3eek · 03/02/2016 21:38

I'm not anti-mumsnet at all, I would just like to think /see that all posters are treated the same - given the similar nature of many posts I think gender bias shows up quite readily.

I'd hope that advice dished out is done so because posters genuinely believe it is 'for the best' given that circumstance and NOT based on gender assumptions because women can't be unreasonable / men don't try hard enough etc.

mathanxiety · 04/02/2016 02:06

//// //

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/02/2016 11:03

So OP. If you are still there, what did you do to try to make up for it??

pinkcan · 04/02/2016 11:47

she wants to leave...sounds like the perfect solution!

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