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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife is very unhappy

75 replies

Goosed6669 · 02/02/2016 14:11

Hi it was my wife's birthday the other day I got her a charm for her bracelet and a bag for her bike a bunch of flowers. The children made her a cake and bought cards and a birthday balloon. The older whom are all earning bought a bracelet the she was going to get as her other one was a bit big . On the day she came down to open her parcels . But unfortunately it was aparent that none of the things we got lived up to her expectations.
I said to her that I would take her out to lunch but that was brushed off . I am a crap cook but never the less tried to cook something it was a failure and nobody liked it. Then the children came through with the cake but that also was a disaster as the children used coconut oil in it rather than rapeseed oil and you could hardly cut it . The whole day was a disaster.
Now she is very unhappy and wants to leave , her birthday's have allways been a bit of a stumbling block as I am not good at buying the right things or making her feel valued. But she is the love of my life and we have 6 children and been together for over 20 year's .I don't know what to do ???

OP posts:
ClarenceTheLion · 02/02/2016 16:02

Either she feels neglected in general and the birthday stuff was too little too late (though it sounds perfectly fine to me), or she has very unrealistic expectations and is high maintenance.

Any chance you could both try to meet in the middle?

(To be honest, saying you're crap at present buying is a cop out. It's not a complicated life skill. Look online, ask here, ask her friends or her mother, take notice of her likes and dislikes. I keep secret Pinterest boards for present inspiration all year round.)

AWhistlingWoman · 02/02/2016 16:04

Surely there must be something else going on?! I can't imagine a grown woman sulking over a birthday present that didn't live up to her expectations. Let alone threatening to end her marriage? Of 20 years and you have six children together?!

Personally I think it is really nasty to make it obvious to children that what they have done for a parent's birthday isn't good enough. Even if they are grown up enough to earn money! I can't imagine sneering at something my children had chosen and spent their money on. This post made me feel really sad for your kids OP.

GeekLove · 02/02/2016 16:15

I wonder where the OP is? We cannot help you if we don't know more but be prepared for some forthright advice. I am hoping you have lurked before posting otherwise you might have a shock!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 02/02/2016 16:27

2 threads started by men earlier today. After I complained about men only posting about sex, this (seemingly) non-sex-related thread appears. Neither OP has been back ...

OR he's busy cooking her a lovely meal to make up for her birthday ...

NickiFury · 02/02/2016 16:35

Oh there's regularly whiny threads from men these days about nasty, ungrateful, abusive, unfaithful WOMEN. I think they do it to prove that we will always take a women's side and are nothing more than big bunch of Man Haterz. It's ever so tedious.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/02/2016 16:47

So basically for 20 yrs you've been rubbish at making her feel special, the best her "earning" children could manage was a bracelet between them that she was going to buy herself anyway [which points to a lack of thought from them or something probably very inexpensive] and a badly made cake from the younger ones [which will probably be forgiven].

It probably seems a little irrational or an OTT reaction but today the straw broke the camels back. Good luck.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/02/2016 16:47

So basically for 20 yrs you've been rubbish at making her feel special, the best her "earning" children could manage was a bracelet between them that she was going to buy herself anyway [which points to a lack of thought from them or something probably very inexpensive] and a badly made cake from the younger ones [which will probably be forgiven].

It probably seems a little irrational or an OTT reaction but today the straw broke the camels back. Good luck.

WhoaCadburys · 02/02/2016 17:24

lilproblem do we need to give credit for asking for help? Do we give women credit for asking for help?

Yep, straw that broke the camel's back, definitely.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 02/02/2016 17:43

Well, we do sometimes praise [female] posters for bring brave (and clever! :D) enough to come to Mumsnet.

But I'm afraid I agree, we won't be seeing the OP again. A shame, really, because I was going to ask, what has DW done for OP for birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's, for these last 20 years? I suspect z lot more thought has been put into her efforts.

And YY to the "I'm a crap cook" after 20 years of raising 6 kids. That's not an excuse: that's part of the problem.

MoominPie22 · 02/02/2016 17:53

Where´s he gone?? Confused I don´t think any of these posts are really brutal. JUst honest. PLus if an OP doesn´t come back and engage, not only is that irritating but it begs the question....are you genuinely in need of help in the 1st place?

If people don´t come back and respond by giving more info, then too much is left to guess work imo. You just can´t give more accurate advice if there´s no more details coming in I´m afraid. So from what he posted I think he´s got some great advice there. Smile

babynumber3eek · 02/02/2016 20:09

As a female poster I find it mildly amusing that this post elicited a 'you must have done something wrong/a grown woman wouldn't do that/ you must work harder.' If it had been a female poster the responses would have been 'LTB/ what a cock/ what a man child you're better off if he goes '...

Cabrinha · 02/02/2016 20:28

I'm almost too speechless to reply that a father of SIX kids can't rustle up one meal. Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

I'm surprised about the coconut oil mistake - I thought coconut oil was actually sold at the consistency of soft butter. How did they mix that up in a recipe? Suggests they were young enough to need supervision.

Which (and this is a bit of a leap) makes me wonder if another birthday present was a kitchen cake baking aftermath to clean?

Anyway... She might be a miserable cow who should get over herself. But no two ways about it - whatever she's done wrong, it's justifiable to divorce a man who can't manage to make a bloody dinner!

JohnThomas69 · 03/02/2016 03:33

Nailed it babynumber. They don't even know they're doing it. Lighthearted entertainment for the most part though.

Focusfocus · 03/02/2016 03:57

Another one of those fantastic threads where my mind drifts off to reversing the genders in the op - and the subsequent responses....

mathanxiety · 03/02/2016 04:31

Does anyone else besides me play 'If-it-had-been-a-female-poster-Bingo' ?

goddessofsmallthings · 03/02/2016 04:47

You don't think a female poster would have received the same response as the allegedly male OP, babynumber?

Could this have anything to do with the fact that a woman who's been married to her dh for the past 20 years and has 6 dc with him is unlikely to have made as a poor a fist of his birthday as the OP did for his dw?

But let's give the OP his due; he only had 364 days notice to put himself and the dc through their paces and organise a cracking birthday for his dw/their dm and you may be of the view that the shambles can be overlooked as it's the no apparent thought that counts.

Giving thought to Cabrinha's post, I hope the OP comes back to tell us he and the dc cleared up the debris and assures us that the kitchen contains a dishwasher that suds, scrubs, and rinses independently of any of his home's inhabitants.

MoominPie22 · 03/02/2016 05:11

Maybe his wife has given her side over on the Incompetant Men thread....Hmm OK that was low, but just saying! Blush

AnyFucker · 03/02/2016 07:02

Never mind "reversing the genders" you do all know that these threads by "men" are complete fabrication don't you ?

Posted purely to elicit the "if this was a woman" blah blah blah bollocks.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/02/2016 07:10

If this was a woman posting it's highly unlikely that she would have posted this at all. The fact is that men are often allowed to get away with being useless at birthdays and special occasions for various reasons in a way which women don't get to. Birthday presents and the rest is textbook wife work as it learning to cook an edible meal when you have children.
The specific combination of crap birthday gift, disgusting meal and inedible cake is a particularly masculine set of crap behaviour.
I'm well aware that women exist who would do this by the way, I'm talking in general terms.

Towardsthesun · 03/02/2016 07:18

Exactly obsidian. A woman with six kids would not have posted, I have been married for 20 years but couldn't make my husband any food for his birthday tea as I can't cook.

MrsCampbellBlack · 03/02/2016 07:23

It is the curse of the Pandora charm I fear.

Nastylinotiles · 03/02/2016 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ALaughAMinute · 03/02/2016 07:34

With six children and a husband who can't cook your wife is probably exhausted. Don't kid yourself that your wife is unhappy because her birthday was a disaster because there will be more to it than that.

Have you tried talking to her?

When's the last time she had a night off?

You need to 'wake up and smell the coffee' and start communicating with your wife.

babynumber3eek · 03/02/2016 08:52

Wow. The sexism on this post continues with those last few replies. Can you actually hear yourselves and at least attempt to recognise the blatant gender bias... A woman with six kids wouldn't have posted, men make a hash up of birthdays? Men feel sorry for themselves in these posts?

I'm genuinely bemused and horrified in equal measure - although squeeze a little bit of shame in there too! I have no clue whether this thread is made up (same as many many others) but if it is then it did rather make the point you believe it was written to do - that a male poster will get his ears boxed by women who genuinely don't understand that sexism flows both ways and is unacceptable (equally so) in both directions.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/02/2016 09:08

Baby, gender socialisation is real.