Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I expecting too much?

39 replies

WalkingBlind · 02/02/2016 13:18

Ok I'm over 8 months pregnant due any time now and my DP although I love him, is very immature in the "ways of the world". Basically he lived a sheltered life til he met me spending any time he wasn't at work on the PlayStation, nights out or asleep.

He can't seem to get it into his head that even though he works he still needs to help out. And he feels super hard done by because I'm laying in bed (in agony). I keep trying to explain how hard it is being this pregnant but it's not sinking in.

The whole house needs a good clean and honestly with severe SPD and a 3yr old even going for a drink from the kitchen is difficult for me.

He wants to stay in bed all day. I've tried explaining that we need to let people in the house (HV, relatives, etc) and have it suitable for the kids but nothing motivates him. If he does finally get out of bed he will just lounge on the sofa in the mess unless I turn into a tyrant Angry

I consider ending things all the time because I'm sick of acting like a teen's mother and begging him to get out of bed and do something. But there still wouldn't be anyone to help me so it seems pointless :( And if I take a nap or anything he takes a "timeout" for the same length of time even though the house isn't even properly decorated. Also if I don't put in writing what needs done, he apparently can't remember and has zero sense to figure out what needs sorted. Like I'd have to ask him to hoover, etc. He wouldn't just do it and get it done like you or me.

Is it too much to expect him to do all the chores without me? At the minute they simply aren't getting done unless I whine and whine or force myself to do them which absolutely is agonising at the moment. My poor dog hasn't been walked in weeks because, and I quote "I don't like him so why would I". I've considered rehoming the dog (for his benefit) but partly rehoming my DP instead!

I don't feel when the baby's here he will get up for a single feed or anything anyway :/ He does work long nights but he gets weeks off in a row so he can't really complain in my opinion.

Am I being a nag? Or is he a lazy teen in a father's body Confused

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/02/2016 13:20

Oh dear.

ImperialBlether · 02/02/2016 13:21

I couldn't be doing with this. For context, my son is 23 and loves a good lie in, but he wouldn't sit in a mess and he wouldn't TIME ME if I needed to have a nap.

You'd be much better off without him dragging you down. Kicking him out might kick start him into action. If it doesn't, it's a win-win situation.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 02/02/2016 13:22

How old is he 12?? I'm not sure I can help really other than to say you deserve more and no you are not expecting to much. However I doubt very much he will change. I assume you knew what he was like before?? Does he work? What does he contribute?

AliveAlone · 02/02/2016 13:22

Of course you are not expecting too much. If I were in your position I would consider re-homing dp too.

Twinklestein · 02/02/2016 13:23

You're going to have to ditch him at some point, the sooner the better, no?

BlondeOnATreadmill · 02/02/2016 13:24

You're definitely not being a nag. You just can't seem to get through to him. I'm not sure what would work? Are you close to his Mum? Could you speak to her? Could she talk sense in to him? It's almost as if something really drastic would have to happen, to knock some sense in to him (like you collapsing)! Could the HV speak to him? Not her remit I suppose.

Epilepsyhelp · 02/02/2016 13:28

Oh my Christ you poor thing. Get rid of this idiot stat. He's a complete arse.

LittleLegs25 · 02/02/2016 13:32

Have you ever sat down with him and explained all this? If not I would give that a try and see if anything changes. He sounds like an uncaring man-child.

Gazelda · 02/02/2016 13:32

God, I couldn't be doing with that. How is he with your 3yo?

MorrisZapp · 02/02/2016 13:33

He stays in bed and ignores his three year old? Wtf?

VoldysGoneMouldy · 02/02/2016 13:36

LTB. You'd be so much better off without him.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 02/02/2016 13:36

I think he needs a kick up the arse! Any where you can stay for a week? So he has to cook etc for himself?

HandyWoman · 02/02/2016 13:37

Can't see what purpose he serves apart from as a sperm donor.

Do please get your dp re-homed. Possibly back to his own mum who clearly did a shit job of raising him.

Tell him he can return when he actually grows up never

PatriciaHolm · 02/02/2016 13:37

Well, if he did go, that would be one less person making mess wouldn't it.

He's a waste of energy, isn't he. Presumably he's not the father of the 3 year old, or is he happily ignoring him? Doesn't bode well for baby no2 does it?

LeaLeander · 02/02/2016 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

goddessofsmallthings · 02/02/2016 13:51

What do you mean by him having 'lived a sheltered life' before he met you? Was he living with his mum and did she pick up after him?

How long has he lived with you and your ds and has he been this lazy inconsiderate since he moved in?

Original poster
WalkingBlind · 02/02/2016 13:52

He's surprisingly great with my DD (you're right, not his) but I agree that I feel like he's just adding mess. He does eventually do stuff if I ask over and over but it absolutely feels like asking a teen who can't be bothered Confused

What upsets me the most is I say this stuff to his face and nothing changes. I'm now at the point I dunno if he'll change. I am actually tempted to see if his family could kick some sense into him with the baby on the way.

I have a feeling he thinks I'm using the pregnancy as an excuse not to do anything. If I was asking all this while he was working then fair enough but I wait until his days off (which he gets a lot of even though he works full time, it's shift patterns)

I just can't believe I have to ask a grown man to please get out of bed and help at 1pm in the afternoon! But because I need to lay in bed he just sees the unfairness of it

OP posts:
Original poster
WalkingBlind · 02/02/2016 13:54

Yeah goddess that's what I meant, he was a mammy's boy with zero responsibilities, we've lived together about a year and I haven't noticed how bad it is until I've been unable to do stuff for myself

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 02/02/2016 13:57

He's an idiot OP. He's not going to change, his family won't have any effect.

I would chalk it up to a mistake and reorganise your life without him.

LeaLeander · 02/02/2016 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DespicableBee · 02/02/2016 14:05

If you leave him you might find it easier as you won't have to cook, clean etc for him, plus you wont waste emotional energy trying to persuade him to do stuff round the house
He doesnt sound like hes adding anything positive to your life so why live with him?
The thing about him having exactly the same nap time as you is so childish, that by itself would be enough for me to leave

DespicableBee · 02/02/2016 14:07

Am I expecting too much?....err no you aren't expecting enough

kaitlinktm · 02/02/2016 14:10

OMG this reminds me of my ex who used to sit watching TV and drinking wine in a mess whilst I took the opportunity of the baby sleeping to have a nap myself, and then when baby (and I) got up he would announce that he was tired too and needed a nap and would disappear for 3 hours whilst I did child care and house work.

Believe me OP things won't get any better - mine is an ex for a reason.

Original poster
WalkingBlind · 02/02/2016 14:16

Lealander That is enough for fucks sake. How MN let's you post on anyone's thread is beyond me! I've actually had to support Op's in other threads from your "advice".

I dont know what joy you find in targeting vulnerable women looking for support and attempting to blame them/tear them down but you're an awful troll and I for one am tired of your relentless shit.

I suggest you take a good luck at your own personal issues to have to try and upset almost every OP I've ever seen you comment on.

My children are 100% fine and are absolutely zero concern of yours and you should be utterly ashamed of yourself.

OP posts:
Original poster
WalkingBlind · 02/02/2016 14:17

To everyone else thank you for your support I agree with you, think I'm just hoping things will change when deep down its so unlikely Sad

OP posts: