Did you get hit as a child and does it affect your relationship with your parents?

[boo64]

Just curious. I have real issues trying to get along with my dad. He was pretty drunk for much of my childhood and used to give me a good wallop (not just a slap) when I did anything naughty (allegedly) so that was most nights.

I can't get on with him but my dh seems to think I am over reacting and if I could ignore the past I'd see he isn't so bad. But I can't ignore the past.

He doesn't drink so much now but still gets quite drunk most nights and I just can't bear him when he is like this, he just gets so obnoxious. My mum is totally downtrodden but happy with him so who am I to say. He never ever hits her.

Am I overreacting?!

Oh, Christ yes, and it used to fuck my head up royally every year when I was locked into spending Christmas with them. It pushed my buttons even though I knew they couldn't hit me any more - they were still The Same People and it freaked me out.

Are you OK?

I got smacked when I was little and it has had no effect of my relationship with either of my parents.

However, your weren't smacked, your were in my opinion abused and of course that would have an effect on your relationship with your Dad now (or/and your Mum)

You are not over reacting.

My father is a psychiatrist. When we were children he was a member of an organisation against hitting children. He used to give me their newsletter to read. I think it was called STOPP - can't remember what that stood for. So no we weren't hit.

Of cousre you can't ignore the past. You could have therapy or just not have much to do with your father or get him to talk about it and explain his conduct (although I doubt he sounds like the kind of person that would work with).

Message withdrawn

I was smacked. I don't even remember being smacked when very young, I was occasionally smacked as an adolescent, I do resent that as I felt it was inappropriate. I agree with flutturkey - there is a world of difference between smacking and regular drunken violence. I am not surprised you have issues getting along with your dad -by the sounds of things he hasn't changed/tried to address his behaviour.

I was smacked as a child. However, I can't actually remember a particular incident. I know I was though and asked my Father recently if I was definitely smacked and he said yes, if you were naughty.

I have a fab relationship with him and did with my Mother, so no it didn't scar me.

I think if I remembered stuff like the OP it would have though.

I was occasionally as a child - and yes it has affected my relationship with them. I felt it was extremely bullying behaviour and have little respect for the way they behaved.

I think it is much worse since I had my own children as I look at them and think 'how, why, could you hit someone precious to you'. I could not in a million years imagine ever hitting my children - and cannot understand why anyone might think it would be acceptable for me to do so!

My parents were bright and clever people - they had the nounce to think about whether it was appropriate or not - rather than just going with the parenting crowd of the time - but they didn't they chose to hit

No you're not over reacting.

I got hit a lot as a child. I would often have big purple handprints all over me, but I was apparantly the worst child in the world & deserved it.
I have NEVER hit my own children, but not sure how much my own childhood has affected me.
Have you ever considered counselling to help you deal with all this?

My mother caned me and my siblings, mainly when we were squabbling with each other. She lost her temper with us and was clearly out of control. Although she has given so much to us in other ways, I will always hold it against her. It was the injustice of a bigger person hitting a littler dependent one which I deeply resented. To this day, I rarely call her.

When I was 11, I snatched the cane away from her when she tried to hit me. She never caned me since.

My father slapped me once in my teens - I was really pushing his buttons though. It was humiliating and I have never forgotton.

I will never lay a finger on my children (nor felt the need) and god forbid if anyone else did.

I was beaten as a child by my father (I will not say smacked as it sounds too gentle for what happened to me, and you by the sounds of it)
For various reasons I stopped speaking to my father a few years ago after my mum finally plucked up the courage to divorce him but I would be happy never to speak to him again. He was not invited to my wedding and he has never, and will never, meet my daughter (to the point she will not be bridesmaid at my sisters wedding as he may be there)
I love my mum though and speak to her all the time as she had nothing to do with the abuse and was totally down trodden by him.

I know you cant cut him out because of your mother but your DH is being unreasonable IMO. However, remember he may not understand as if you were not beaten as a child (and here I definately do NOT mean smacked when naughty, I mean beaten, for no reason) then you cannot understand the effects it has on you.

Out of 5 of us only 2 stillspeak to my father, and one of those has blocked everything out.
Sorry, I went on a bit, but want you to know that I dont think you are overreacting at all.
I would suggest talking to someone to try and learn how to cope, but don't ignore what has happened, it made you who you are

Hi Boo

That was abusive behaviour. You have every right to feel angry and hurt etc at what he did. I was not beaten but emotionally abused by mother and sister. My father spent most of my teenage and adult years drunk so can relate on that score. He was very verbally agressive when he did drink and it was very scary at times. I remember me and my mum taking the pets to bed with us sometimes as we were frightened one day he would end up killing one. I remember the nights that I would lay awake until he had come home (about 11.30ish) and bang round in the kitchen swearing, he only ever swore when he was really angry so it was tense when he did so. He would bang cupboard doors shut, swear and talk to himself in very angry voice, ie 'why can't she f*king well put it in the same place, for f*ks sake' etc. One night my mother heard him saying he was going to kill her and laughing about it (to himself).

So yeah, I think without the beating your dad was abusive. Someone drinking = out of control parent. God that is scary reading that, never want to drink round my dd or let her see me drunk. How can you respect a parent when their either giggling at everything or just out of control and unable to walk straight? Maybe a harsh line to take, must mull more over that one.

Anyway, hugs to you Boo, what your feeling is just normal. Try councelling, you may think you don't need to go, but I think it would help you come to terms with it all.

xxxx

I used to get the belt and slipper from my father. Studied damn hard so I could leave home at 18 and move 300 miles away. Havent seen him for 13 years so yes, you could say it affected my relationship with him.

I would never ever hit my kids and have never understand why anyone would.

I used to get the belt and slipper from my father. Studied damn hard so I could leave home at 18 and move 300 miles away. Havent seen him for 13 years so yes, you could say it affected my relationship with him.

I would never ever hit my kids and have never understand why anyone would.

Yes, as a teenager by my stepdad and no I can't get over it, it has affected me hugely as I was unable to express myself and act out the normal teenager rebellion stuff. I am angry at my mum rather than my stepdad for turning her nose up and failing to protect me. I have found out very recently that all the friends/peer group of my mum and stepdad at the time were told that my mum left him because he was violent to her (he wasn't). They didn't know that the violence was in fact towards us. I have now set them straight.

Like many others, the occasional smack on the bum, always with warning first, never hard and with no lasting ill-effects (except I plan to hit my mum over the head with a frying pan when she arrives today - not ).

Ask your dh what he would think if anyone walloped your children like that - whether you, him or your dad.

I was smacked by mum and I don't plan to do the same to my kids as I remember that horrible feeling I got when she did it. Didn't scar me though. I agree with others - what you experienced sounds like abuse. Don't think your DH should be saying you are over reacting, no one else can legislate for your feelings.

I don't think you're overreacting. he made you feel bad and that's what matters. I was smacked occasionally as a child when I reckon I had it coming. I smack mine when they've overstepped the mark. I don't have any probs with the fact i was smacked, but it wasn't everyday. Sounds more as if you suffered physical abuse. I hate being with drunks too because you never know when they are going to 'turn'.

i got a smacked bum when i was naughty like most others in my generation,and like everyone else here think that the odd smack did no harm,but that the abuse you clearly suffered did alot of harm to you.maybe your oh doesnt understand the full extent of what your father did.

Hi all

I just want to say thank you so much for all your supportive messages that have made me feel a lot better.

I will think about counselling as I think I have buried my head in the sand for a long time. I think I can tough stuff out but sometimes it's best not to try and cope isn't it?!

I am sorry for all you others out there who had the same as me or worse as children and all I can say is that if one good thing comes out of it all is that our own children will never ever have to deal with all this cr*p as we will never hit them.

I do agree with several of you - there is such a difference between a slap and hitting (with a fist as against a hand)

I think sometimes we got a very hard slap - very hard and others he hit with his first but i can't remember.

When Childline launched - when I was maybe 15 or 16 it all stopped funnily enough. Thank you Ester Rantzen. Also at this stage I started telling him I'd report him.

I suppose it was just so much more socially acceptable in those days to hit your kids but that isn't an excuse in my book.

Have any of you had counselling for this sort of thing, and how did you find someone appropriate?

Boo

counselling - via GP or possibly local mind. or you might find it useful to look at al anon website (offers support for children of alcoholics),they may have someone to talk to.

website is at :-

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

my mum used to give us a clip around the ear and remember once her sending dad down the room to smack us but he came into the bedroom and slapped the bed instead with belt but he would never lay a hand on us.

hugs to you ((((hugs)))

I was very rarely hit as a child. We have a good relationship.

I was hit very severlely by both parents and not just with hands but sticks, belts shoes, anything to hand really and it has severely affected my relationship with them, especially my mum and even more so since I ahd children as I justcan't understand it, we had a huge fallin out this week when seh tried to give me parenting advice and basically tell me I was an infit mother fort he way I discipline dd which does not invlove any violence.

It is very hard to ignore the past and I thinnk you do so at your peril as it is part of you.

I was smacked ocassionally as a child, when 'naughty'.

Often for mucking about with my brothers after we should have been in bed sleeping.

I dont feel it has affected my relationship with my parents at all.

TBH, I think my parents did a sterling job because both came from 'dysfunctional' families and had no real family unit role models to look to. Dad's dad sodded off when he was tiny. His mum shacked up with a man who provided his half sister, whom his stepdad abused, and he himself would beat my dad with a belt. He was left from a young age (6 or 7) to look after his baby sister whilst his mum and step dad went out to play cards etc.

My mum came from a single parent family - her dad never around and her mum and sister were shunned to a certain extent by the rest of the family for this. My mum - who was 2 or 3 when he left, was always labelled as "the black sheep" by family, and i think partly blamed for his leaving.

We are all pretty 'normal' children. My parents are still together. We all have respectable jobs, abide by the law (DB is a policeman), and, whilst my DB's still argue ALOT, we all feel like we have had normal lives.

I think there are trememdously varying extents of corporal punishment. I certainly dont think my childhood suffered from the occasional smack. Nor my adulthood. I would probably feel differently had it been used often and regularly harshly.

I cannot believe the violence to which so many of you were subjected and you can't be all older than I am at 45 surely. How terrible. So why would my parents not do it? I suppose it's because he's a psychiatrist and she was a teacher very into Montessori etc so violence against children was unimaginable. Thank goodness this Government has banned smacking unless it leaves no mark etc.