Did you get hit as a child and does it affect your relationship with your parents?

[boo64]

Just curious. I have real issues trying to get along with my dad. He was pretty drunk for much of my childhood and used to give me a good wallop (not just a slap) when I did anything naughty (allegedly) so that was most nights.

I can't get on with him but my dh seems to think I am over reacting and if I could ignore the past I'd see he isn't so bad. But I can't ignore the past.

He doesn't drink so much now but still gets quite drunk most nights and I just can't bear him when he is like this, he just gets so obnoxious. My mum is totally downtrodden but happy with him so who am I to say. He never ever hits her.

Am I overreacting?!

Xenia, my father was a volunteer for LIFE, a prominent member of the church and had a degree in child psychology, and still beat us.....

Boo, def go for some counselling, if you dont want to go through GP or 'official' channels which I didnt because of the above reasons...he would have found out...I used to call the Samaritans for a chat. Sometiems all you need is a sounding board or a friendly unjudgemental ear.

In my case I now know why he had such a temper, and although i would never forgive him it has made it easier for me to deal with my feelings, still dont ever want to talk to him again though.

Have you considered showing your DP this thread?

I was smacked on the odd occasion . I didn't affect my relationship. I never got on with my mother, but that was because she never made any attempt to understand me, make allowances for me, or praise me in any meaningful way. She also loved my brother far more than me and never really 'forgave' me for being more successful than he was....to her mind my success was 'wasted' because I was 'just a girl'.

There are worse things than the odd tap on the bottom.

my stepdad beat me a lot throughout my childhood. from the age of 3 on. at times he tried to strangle me. i eventually moved out aged 14 and tbh i blame my mum more than him. SHE should have protected me and to this day refuses to acknowledge that i was abused in any way. i have cigarette burn on my arm, and she just puts it down to me being clumsy i dont think you are over reating at all. there are other ways to discipline, my friends parents NEVER hit them.

I was smacked as a child, very rarely but it happened, and I don?t think it affected my relationship with my parents. I don?t ever remember being smacked, but I do remember being shouted at, told I was no good, being shouted at and not really understanding what I?d done wrong. I remember one particular incident when a world cup was on ? I?d been in my room and the score had been announced on the news or something. I went into the lounge to tell my parents the score, and when I ran in and said what the score was my mum went absolutely belistic at me, shouting that now I?d ruined it for them, that they?d planned to watch it later and now I?d come in and given them the bloody score (they?re not even football fans!). I was left totally speechless. I turned around, walked out of the room, shut the door and went into the bathroom to cry. My mum did apologise afterwards because my dad had had a go at her for going off on one like that but the damage was already done. I remember it like it was yesterday, and even now, thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

I think it?s often very easy to say that smacking does lasting damage to your children, but IMO a smack is given and is done, but I think that words can do a lot more damage than a tap on the hand/bottom.

However, I also think there is a world of difference between a tap on the hand, and hitting/beating a child on a regular basis and with an implement, and I have no doubt that such sustained violence could damage a relationship.

wannabe, that's so sad

I remember sidling up to my mother at the age of about 6 saying something like "hello gorgeous lovely best mummy in the world" - as little children do, and it can be very annoying when you're busy and have already asked them to go and play outside - but on this occasion she looked up with an expression of total adult contempt and said "Oh, just piss off XXX". More crushing than being physically hit? I don't know.

Yes and none whatsoever.

I was smacked (not beaten) and yes, it had a dramatic effect on my relationship with my parents and I have to say, I never forgave them. But then, I'd not forgive anyone who hit me, I think. I think people who hit you don't really deserve your time, let alone your love. And it's a big reason why I don't hit/smack my children no matter how much I sometimes itch to. It's a big risk to take IMO.

I so agree that that verbal, emotional abuse can have far more damaging results than a smack.

I don't think that you are overreacting, no. Your feelings about your father are entirely understandable.

I did.

I can count it on one hand.

My parents, however, did not abuse alcohol or substances.

NEVER gave me a 'good wallop' most nights. .

No, you are NOT over-reacting, FWIW.

evamum, he can't have read his psychology books then.

I do agree parents can abuse children in lots of ways, not just physical violence but that doesn't mean the physical violence is excusable.
www.nspcc.org.uk/helpandadvice/whatchildabuse/whatischildabuse_wda36500.html

Hi

Santa - that's so sad and I can totally understand why it would have a lasting effect to be rejected like that. I know kids can be annoying BUT how could she reject you like that when you were saying something so lovely. Poor you.

I would just like to reiterate to some in this board that we are talking about hitting not a slap. I don't know if I would feel so bad if it had been a slap as I think that was more 'normal' then and a lot of kids had that happen in the 1970s.

I think many of us have also suffered from having unpredictable parents - whether hit or otherwise - if you have predictable parents who can blow their top without warning- due to drinking or otherwise - it can leave you on edge all the time and confused as a child.

I don't know about anyone else but I am ridiculously apologetic and practically apologise for breathing (!) and it's absolutely due to treading on eggshells as a child.

I also dislike conflict as my parents were so volatile.

Xenia - I don't think anyone was suggesting that it is excusable, just adding that verbal or emotional 'abuse' hurts too.

My delightful dad managed a fair bit of emotional hurt too so I know that is horrid as well.

It brings me to those well used words from Philip Larkin 'they f* you up your parents do'.

I'm pretty amazed actually that me and my siblings came out relatively sane.