How to interpret and deal with DH's behaviour

[CostaRicanBananas]

Five days ago, I said something which DH took the wrong way. No attempt to try to sort things out, just sheer anger and distance. I left him to it as I am normally the one pointing out that there is no need to scalet the situation over something minor. The distance continued even though he was still doing the normal, attentive stuff that he does. Friday evening, hell broke lose when he got ready to sleep on the sofa. I couldn't face it going on like that, I felt rejected, unfairly treated and that I deserved more than a weekend of misery. So I got angry, took my wedding ring off and threw it at him whilst telling him to 'stick it'. What I was really saying was "you can't possibly value our marriage to let this happen". And it's happened too many times, he cares more about winning than about us being happy. Things got out of hand, I called the police but he set off before they arrived. He called me countless times when he was on the road, and messaged me to ask why I had called the police. I only replied once to say that I had nothing to say to him, or nothing that he would care to take on board.
Since then, he's messaged me twice saying he loves his wife and why wasn't I answering his messages.
Various reasons: 1. what happened was serious, 2. I don't feel he ever takes what he keeps putting us through seriously, 3. he ran away like a coward, 4. he hasn't had the balls to do what a genuinely, caring and locking person would do - sit down and talk. Please remember that this is my point of view.
Today, not a word from him. He got home a little while ago, barely spoke to me and went to the gym as normal.
All these emotional roller coaster rides... We keep coming back to the same place, time and time again.
For the record: he's got money worries at the moment, there have been some problems at work and his youngest DS had a minor operation a few days ago (he didn't go to the hospital on the day and he's been criticised for it - not sure to what extent; I personally think he should have gone, even if it entailed a 6 hrs round trip). I suspect that he was at the ex's house this weekend.

Nope. The person who posted that said 'You threw your wedding ring at him, he head butted you, this is obviously not a good relationship - you need to separate' well after the headbutting revelation.

I am tired of having to be that one pointing out and trying to get him to come around.

Then stop doing it. Why would you want to be with someone whom you are always trying to "get to come around" ????

If I withdraw from someone out of hurt feelings or anger and they pursue me and insist on continuing the conversation, prodding, poking, wheedling, coaxing, haranguing when I am not ready to - it drives me further away. Do you really think that pursuing him and insisting on putting yourself front and center when he has other things on his mind, and is angry in your relationship, is going to produce any sort of desirable outcome?

OP that headbutt was intended to cower you, without leaving visible evidence of his violence. He sounds extremely dangerous.

I've suffered DV and this is raising alarm bells. He is emotionally and now, physically abusive. I'm sorry that this is happening to you but you need to leave him.

A man who can head butt a woman he is supposed to love has some deep seated problems which need to be addressed. You will never be the one to help him, as much as you'd like to change him, you never will.

Please leave him, it will be hard I can't promise otherwise, but it will be worth it.

Good luck!

The thing I can't get over, other than the headbutting and refusal to have a proper conversation, is the 'I love my wife' messages. Not 'I love you'. 'I love my wife'. That alone screams at me.

I love my wife.

Not I love you
Not Costa I love you

Just 'wife'. Very impersonal. Makes you sound like a possession.

Think very carefully about what you do next. He headbutted you. That's domestic violence. Can you hand on heart be sure that he won't do it again? Can you hand on heart be sure that you would feel comfortable enough with him to be able to have an argument with him - a normal feature of a healthy relationship - without being scared that he will do it again?

For god's sake why is anyone debating the head butting or OP's own behaviour?! Mumsnet drives me MAD when people try to do that PC 'well you were abusive too' thin. He head butted her! That is massively dangerous and violent. It doesn't matter 'why' he did it or whether OP drove him to it

This is an abusive, unhealthy relationship. Please acknowledge that and get out . He isn't going to change, and if he thinks he can cower you and get away with it he will continue. The abuse will escalate. You and kids are at risk. Please don't put your head in the sand.
You don't deserve to be with a violent abusive person. Contact Woman's aid and talk through your situation and your options.
If someone loves you they don't try to hurt you. You know that.Get away.
x

He shuts you off. Maybe scared that he would have to won up to his own behaviour so the solution is to bully and abuse you. It does not look like he values you.

should read: to own up on his behaviour

Because I have absolutely nothing to gain from it other than having to deal with police procedures, on top of having to sort out the practicalities of the end of my marriage. I have a DS who needs me as he's going through his A levels, a busy job and to keep myself together. Those things are my priority, not teaching someone a lesson which quite obviously won't achieve anything.

No, love, you're wrong. The person is teaches a lesson is YOU. And the lesson is that you are valuable and important enough to not be abused, and that anyone who abuses you should face the full punishment for their actions. It draws a line, both now and in the future, of what behaviour is acceptable for you. It reinforces the gravity of the situation. It doesn't allow you to hide. And it also sends the right message to your children.

I hope you find the strength to end this, today, and start a new chapter.