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Original poster

How to interpret and deal with DH's behaviour

61 replies

CostaRicanBananas · 31/01/2016 18:27

Five days ago, I said something which DH took the wrong way. No attempt to try to sort things out, just sheer anger and distance. I left him to it as I am normally the one pointing out that there is no need to scalet the situation over something minor. The distance continued even though he was still doing the normal, attentive stuff that he does. Friday evening, hell broke lose when he got ready to sleep on the sofa. I couldn't face it going on like that, I felt rejected, unfairly treated and that I deserved more than a weekend of misery. So I got angry, took my wedding ring off and threw it at him whilst telling him to 'stick it'. What I was really saying was "you can't possibly value our marriage to let this happen". And it's happened too many times, he cares more about winning than about us being happy. Things got out of hand, I called the police but he set off before they arrived. He called me countless times when he was on the road, and messaged me to ask why I had called the police. I only replied once to say that I had nothing to say to him, or nothing that he would care to take on board.
Since then, he's messaged me twice saying he loves his wife and why wasn't I answering his messages.
Various reasons: 1. what happened was serious, 2. I don't feel he ever takes what he keeps putting us through seriously, 3. he ran away like a coward, 4. he hasn't had the balls to do what a genuinely, caring and locking person would do - sit down and talk. Please remember that this is my point of view.
Today, not a word from him. He got home a little while ago, barely spoke to me and went to the gym as normal.
All these emotional roller coaster rides... We keep coming back to the same place, time and time again.
For the record: he's got money worries at the moment, there have been some problems at work and his youngest DS had a minor operation a few days ago (he didn't go to the hospital on the day and he's been criticised for it - not sure to what extent; I personally think he should have gone, even if it entailed a 6 hrs round trip). I suspect that he was at the ex's house this weekend.

OP posts:
Throwingshade · 31/01/2016 18:58

Please don't equate throwing a ring at someone with head butting, coffee.

But yes I agree the relationship is dangerous and dysfunctional.

OP who gives a fuck what he or his messages said? Stop hoping he will change, hoping his actions may just be reasonable and justified. Stop trying to interpret him and manage him. Just start the ball rolling with divorce, don't talk to him about it, talk to a solicitor.

Marchate · 31/01/2016 18:59

I wouldn't reply to anyone who referred to me in the third person

Sticking his head in the sand? In your face, more like

Original poster
CostaRicanBananas · 31/01/2016 19:01

Because I have absolutely nothing to gain from it other than having to deal with police procedures, on top of having to sort out the practicalities of the end of my marriage. I have a DS who needs me as he's going through his A levels, a busy job and to keep myself together. Those things are my priority, not teaching someone a lesson which quite obviously won't achieve anything.
Yes, I shouldn't have thrown the ring.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/01/2016 19:01

The police may have bailed him not to return to the house.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 31/01/2016 19:05

Please don't equate throwing a ring at someone with head butting, coffee.

I wasn't!

I have been through more DV than many.

If you look at my posts it was at the same time as the OP drip feed!

Nottodaythankyouorever · 31/01/2016 19:07

Sorry I thought that was in reply to me

Lweji · 31/01/2016 19:10

When you want him out of the house and he doesn't leave, then you have your answer about what you'd achieve by making a formal complaint.
He can make your life miserable living there, as he has previously.
Particularly because he is a strong man and you will feel powerless as you have before.
He could have broken your nose or worse.

Did your DS witness any of this?

Lweji · 31/01/2016 19:12

He is not repenting. He is only annoyed you called the police.

In fact, his actions and reactions sound just like my ex. I'll give it a few weeks until there is another assault, as he thinks things will just be as before and you refuse it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/01/2016 19:14

When he asks why you called the police, what do you say?

I'd say "I phoned the police because you head butted me."

You have a lot to gain other than having to deal police procedures Legal aid to pay for the divorce is what you gain. It's a pretty big gain that can really help you sort out the practicalities of the end of your marriage.

Was your DS in the house when all this was happening?

LeaLeander · 31/01/2016 19:15

You both sound very poor at mature communication. If he doesn't want to talk or sleep with you, why do you keep poking and prodding at him till he explodes? You said he has money worries and a son who just had surgery. And all you can do is harangue about your own wants and needs?

He clearly should not have gotten violent but you started the physical part of the altercation. This relationship might limp along for a while but clearly it's the walking dead.

SilverBirchWithout · 31/01/2016 19:17

It's telling that he used the word 'my' wife rather than you. In his mind you are his possession, in the same the engagement ring and necklace are his too.

This relationship needs to end.

Pipistrella · 31/01/2016 19:18

I would interpret the words 'I love my wife' as being nothing to do with you, your feelings, his actual behaviour or any sort of reality.

It's how he is determined to see himself. It's bollocks, his actions don't match his words - he loves something and you don't fit the template when you do something like caling the police.

He has a script in his head and clearly can't cope with another human being around him who might disagree with how it goes.

I'd be leaving as he is dangerous.

Original poster
CostaRicanBananas · 31/01/2016 19:21

Do you know why his messages and present behaviour are important? Because it would just a little bit less and make me feel less of an idiot if I knew that he cared about what happens to our marriage. Does it make sense?
It's painful enough letting go off what you thought you had, dreams of a future shared etc. It is a million times worse when the other person's behaviour tells you that your relationship isn't even worth a conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
CostaRicanBananas · 31/01/2016 19:23

And I haven't told anyone what has happened.

OP posts:
Pipistrella · 31/01/2016 19:25

I think he cares about the marriage as viewed by himself, in his head, as a fait accompli - in as much as it would make him feel like a failure if it fails. And he wants other people to see it as a valid relationship.

The fact is it's not, it's messed up - he in particular is messed up. He sounds like he can't manage the difference between what he thinks the marriage should be, and what it actually is, and how you ought to behave as his wife, and how you actually behave.

He can't cope with that. He sounds really very confused. I think you are in danger if you remain in the relationship - the carefully balanced headbutt, was a warning shot across the bows.

Next time he will break something.

Pipistrella · 31/01/2016 19:25

By the way does he hate his mum?

Original poster
CostaRicanBananas · 31/01/2016 19:30

lea sorry but that wasn't the case at all. DH seems to gain some twisted satisfaction out turning a small misunderstanding into a full on conflict that drags on for days, and involve him sleeping on the sofa. I am tired of having to be that one pointing out and trying to get him to come around. So on Friday, I snapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
CostaRicanBananas · 31/01/2016 19:39

Hm... He has said before that he doesn't like her, pipi

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 31/01/2016 19:44

He head butted me on the nose. Enough for it to hurt and scare me, not enough to bruise or bleed. Then he went through my handbag and took hold of my engagement ring and the necklace he gave me for Christmas. He said that if I didn't want my wedding ring, then I might as well give him the other two items.

leave him now. It may be hard in the short term but your life will eventually be immeasurably happier. If you don't leave him in 10 years time you will be in a far worse situation and you will wish with all your heart you could go back in time and leave him now.

He doesn't love "his wife" despite how many times he texts it. And did he really use that phrase "I love my wife". bizarre- he sees you in some role that has nothing to do with you as a distinct unique individual. Leave him fast he is bad news.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 31/01/2016 19:44

throwing a ring at someone is not anywhere near the same as headbutting someone!

You know that you need to end this OP.

AyeAmarok · 31/01/2016 19:46

He doesn't like you OP, never mind love you. This is one of those destructive relationships where every big fight needs to be an escalation of the one before, to prove to the other that he really means it this time. It's a spiral downwards.

I think a good, healthy relationship gives me the secure footing to be the best version of me I can be. A loving, supportive partner does that.

If a relationship turns you into somebody you don't want to be or brings out the worst in you then it's the wrong relationship. These fights you're having; this is not a relationship that is conducive to supportive security and happiness. You'd be better off apart.

Pipistrella · 31/01/2016 19:49

I thought so.

In several men I've known who display these behaviours there is a deep seated background thing going on, where they have watched some pretty dysfunctional role models when they were growing up.

He's seeing it as a collection of roles, not real life people. He chose you to fit the role he had laid out in his head. We all do this to an extent but he sounds as if he is very much unable to see you as a person outside of the role you play in his design.

You say his child - has he separated from his child's mother? Why was that?

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 31/01/2016 19:49

If he doesn't want to talk or sleep with you, why do you keep poking and prodding at him till he explodes? You said he has money worries and a son who just had surgery. And all you can do is harangue about your own wants and needs?

I can't quite believe I read that

SilverBirchWithout · 31/01/2016 19:50

costa I suspect this pushing and sulking passive agressive behaviour you have just described is his personal desire to feel like the victim. It would also explain the horrendous head butting technique you describe. So quick and calculated; controlled violence as it were.

I assume in his version of events he was 'the victim' when his previous marriage ended.

Please start planning your escape asap. Quiet and controlled violent men are probably the most frightening, you have no real signs of what will trigger the next episode. He now knows you are capable of calling the police and will be more creative in incapacitating you, next time. There will be a next time.

Shutthatdoor · 31/01/2016 19:52

throwing a ring at someone is not anywhere near the same as headbutting someone

Tbf the posters that said that was before the op drip feed

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