OW is wearing jewellery with the initials of MY children on it. Freakishly overstepping the mark, or touchingly nice gesture of her love for them?

[BassAce]

Just noticed this weekend, on collection of my two pre-schoolers from their dad's house, that the OW is now sporting a new piece of jewellery... presumably a gift from STBXH. It contains the initials of both her own child, and my two children.
To put into historical perspective... STBXH left me two years ago to be with OW and has recently confessed that they were indeed together for 6-8 months prior to that (although i suspect possiby even longer). So she has been in my children's lives since they were tiny, certainly since the youngest was still considered a baby.
After a turbulent first year of our split, I have worked really hard to try and keep things civil and nice for the sake of the children, and have accepted OWs place in their lives (albeit begrudgingly). I know she is very close to them, and in the logical part of my brain I know that if they sadly can't be with me ALL the time then far better they are with someone who accepts them and loves them as part of her family as much as she does her own child.....

And yet... and yet... there's another part of my brain screaming out that how DARE she walk around with their initials on her jewellery like they are actually her family. It feels like STBXH is gradually writing me out of history and creating this brand new 'family' with her where she has stepped into my shoes. Oh god, it sounds so petty written down....
I'm sure the jewellery would have been bought for her for Christmas (I didn't notice it before today) so it's not even her fault... I doubt she chose it. But I can't work out my feelings over it.... on the one hand I'm pleased she's showing such a loving gesture of acceptance of my kids (my new partner has children too, so I'm aware of the trials and stresses of blended families only too well), but the other part of me feels repulsed that's she's wearing their names round her neck like some sort of claiming ownership move. I don't mind her taking my STBXH off my hands now I've got used to the idea, but ill happily fight her to the death if I feel she's slotting herself into "mummy" roles with them. Gah. Someone talk some sense to me.... what's the right way to view this situation?? Anyone with experience of blended families got anything positive to say about it?

[frogletsproglets]

my dc1's dads girlfriend got dc1 name tattooed on her along with her own dc names

tbh she wasn't the other woman though and I have no problem with her, she is actually lovely but I did find this a bit weird tbh

[FluttershyStare]

As a step mum, it's not something I would be comfortable wearing, although I haven't any dc myself so maybe that's a difference?

Saying that, their mums partner has all their names as tattoos now which I personally don't like, but DH just shrugs it off

[Hiddlesnake]

The adult in me says that it's wonderful that your children have two loving families, and that it is good to know they are not considered "extras" in your STBXH's new family.
The not-so-grown-up part of me would be going bat-shit crazy.

[SuburbanRhonda]

shock and ewwww

[Helmetbymidnight]

Your ex and the ow are absolute loons. Genuinely that's what I think.

Don't say anything to them tho!

[Helmetbymidnight]

It's not a good thing. This woman has something wrong with her.

[Rosyglow74]

I would be OK with this - I think! - if the relationship hadn't started as an affair. The fact that this woman knowingly took their father from your babies would really stick in my craw though.

That said, you have to just suck it up and smile, for the children's sake I suppose.

[LittleBeautyBelle]

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. I think you are being very gracious about the whole thing, your ex, your ex's relationship with ow that started while you were married, your children being with ow part of the time...to be upset about the necklace is very very reasonable! Allow yourself to have these feelings. To be honest, I don't think I could be as gracious as you are.

I'm sorry, I know blended families are a reality, but it would be hard to know that two people who cheated get to have happy nice family with the cheated-on spouse's children. Perhaps I am being overly empathetic. And yes, it is much, much better for the kids if the step parent loves them...I guess loyalty and love go hand in hand though, and they started off their relationship by cheating on you, and now they have the kids, and complete with necklace with their initials. Op, you are a very kind and forgiving person!! Allow yourself time to work through these feelings. Don't beat yourself up.

[PurportedFeminist]

They are really feeling the need to prove something, aren't they? Both of them.

[LittleBeautyBelle]

Op, you're the one who should have a beautiful gold or silver necklace with your children's initials on it, around your neck. You are their mother. You were loyal to your children by being loyal to your marriage and to the father of your children.

[LittleBeautyBelle]

I agree with Purported

[BassAce]

Thank you everyone for your comments - they truly are useful to read. And it helps to know I'm not alone in feeling torn emotions in how to react to this....
One of the hardest things in the whole scenario of bring the jilted wife is keeping perspective on what's a rational thought and what is just misdirected and unnecessary rage at the slut-chops OW because it's easier to blame her for everything than deal with looking at what me and STBXH got wrong!! Keep the opinions coming people, it's doing a grand job in allowing me to process these feelings and emotions.

[AustinAmbassadorYReg]

I can totally understand why you would be upset (I would be, too), but at least she cares about your DC and wants them to feel included.

Although, if she really cared about the children she wouldn't have gone shagging a married father in the first place

I think all us MNers should get together in solidarity and wear necklaces with OP's initials on. We could be the BassAce squad

[AnneElliott]

I think it is massively overstepping. I can't imagine why she would want to wear it?

My friend has similar with her ex and OW. OW wrote her a Christmas card from OW, exh and both the kids names, as though they were the family. Really weird to get an Xmas card from someone else with your own kids names in!

[bloom7]

I wouldn't like it.

I think the fact that they both disrespected you with an affair is the bit that wouldn't sit right with me.

It's not like she came into their lives after you and their Dad split. That's why I get that you'd be annoyed at both of them over the initials. I can see why you would feel pushed out,even if it's not the case.

[Rosyglow74]

Good idea Austin.

If I'm totally honest Bass - I was trying to be all nicey nicey before - I would have probably strangled her with the bloody necklace!

[lostinmiddlemarch]

I would feel just like you do and it must be gut wrenching. But. In your shoes, I could ultimately only feel relief that my children weren't spending time in an environment where they were treated as second class children and made to feel unwanted and insecure. They are being loved, and that is gold in the bank of their childhood. Rage against it all you want, but then rest your head on your pillow and sleep soundly knowing they won't suffer.

[lunar1]

I think it's creepy and inappropriate. And done pointedly so you would see her place in your family.

[lostinmiddlemarch]

And they will always, always know you are their mum. The OW probably has to spend most of their visits talking about you, you know!

[Minime85]

I do think it is overstepping the mark and I too would be fuming. However, looking at it from the other side too I think it's a lovely gesture. Regardless of whether we want it to be or not these exh build these new family units and it might not be what we want be better that our dcs are cared for and made to feel included. If I was her I would feel wrong in wearing it but then I wouldn't be the OW so maybe that says something about her. You are the better person for saying nothing. But so so hard and think you are a better person than me as I'd have opened my big mouth immediately.

[ToadsforJustice]

I would be raging internally. I would also be glad MY children were loved but a spiteful part of me thinks that necklace will be all that she has left when your Ex leaves her for the next OW.

[Kr1stina]

I think your Op has it complete right .

It's normal to feel furious and outraged, to want to rip it off her neck. She and you ex have destroyed your marriage and the future you envisaged for your children. It's normal to feel like you want her to have nothing to do with your precious babies .

Your feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are . It's how you decide to act upon them that's either right or wrong .

You have made a decision to act in a civil way, not because you ex and OW deserve it , but because you love your children . You are a wise woman.

That's part of being an adult isn't it? Feeling one way but deciding to act another way, because it's the right thing to do .

[Marilynsbigsister]

I have been a step mum for a decade. 2 of his 5 live with us. (One is married, other two live with their DM)

No. Just no. Ewwwww no . Beyond weird. Smacks of 'making a statement' . Actions are louder than words written on a necklace.