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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help Me Please

29 replies

kalex · 21/05/2004 13:26

My Grandmother last night discovered that I was abused by my father (her son) last night.

She actually asked outright, and I didn't lie.

My father and I now have a relationship of sorts, and I speak to him occasionally, he has taken full responsiblity for what happened, I have have spent 18 months in counselling about it, and have settled the whole matter in my head.

The problem is that I went through a period, of approx 10 years where I had no contact with him whatsoever, and my gran would not let it go. Nagged begged and cried for me to speak to him. This affected our (gran and me) realtionship severely, and I generally have very little contact with her, which I find very sad.

One the phone last night, she started on at me again, even although she nows that father & I now speak. And said that he must of done something really terrible to me. She then asked " did he abuse you?" and I said yes, she then said "sexually" and I said yes. She then went hysterical crying etc.

She has just phoned to say she is coming here a three this afternoon.

What do I say to her, and WHY do I always end up feeling guilty about this!!!!

I phoned stepmother last night to give her and him the headsup - and now he won't speak to me.

I have not cried or been upset by this for at least 6 months - and I don't want to be. What the f**k do I do?

OP posts:
Freckle · 21/05/2004 13:29

Suggest to your gran that, as you have spent 18 months in counselling to try to resolve the legacy of her son's actions, you do not want to start going over it all again to try and make her feel better (which is what it will be about). Tell her that, if she wishes to discuss it, she should speak to her son, who was after all the perpetrator.

Northerner · 21/05/2004 13:32

Oh Kalex, sory this is happenning to you. After burying this I'm sure you do not want it all digging up again.

Maybe your Grandmother wants more information, so she can face her own demons, but if this is upsetting for you then you must tell her so.

Maybe she just wants to come and give you a big hug.

I really hope it works out how you want it to.

{{{{{hugs{}}}}}}}

Gumdrop · 21/05/2004 13:34

I agree with Freckle - I know it must be incredibly difficult, but I would take a very low key, it happened, we have dealt with it approach.

Good luck

Twinkie · 21/05/2004 13:37

Maybe she wants to come and support you and say sorry for nagging at you for so long - whatever happens make sure it is on your terms and remember you are the one that have been wronged (I didn't wwant to say victim is that OK??) and you are not under any circumstances goign to be the one feeling bad after meeting her.

I often say to my sister although not to do with anything like this when she starts making me feel bad - HANG ON I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG BLAH BLAH DID BLAH BLAH TO MA SO IF YOU INSIST ON PERSUING THIS I SUGGEST YOU TAKE A DIFFERENT TACK OR LEAVE!!

Hope it all goes well though and if you don;t want to talk about it just tell her straight out that you don't want to. Good luck and bog hugs XXX

Original poster
kalex · 21/05/2004 13:54

Thank you all .

Knowing my Gran, it's to make herself feel better, and not about suporting me. Am just having one of these days where I don't feel very strong.

I NEVER intended to ever tell her, but apparenlty my sister has been hinting at it, so she asked!

To be perfectly honest I sooooo don't want this all dragged up again, but she is the only close family who didn't know so maybe it's the last hurdle?

OP posts:
motherinferior · 21/05/2004 13:54

I agree with Freckle. Can you ring her and just tell her you don't want her to come?

shrub · 21/05/2004 13:58

i second freckles advice - to protect all the work you have done i would redirect her to her son. my dm was raped by her father (my grandfather) he died before i found out and have been sworn to secrecy not to tell her mother(my grandmother). i wish i had the opportunity to confront him before he died. its a poison that keeps the secret glued together. for my own sanity i keep a very distant relationship with my grandmother (she doesn't know) which i also find very sad but have realised it can't be any other way. if you feel that deep down this is not the time to discuss it, i would contact her and explain you really think its her son she should be talking to. he is responsible - he can and should carry this not you. cancel and go for a very long walk/swim. this is your life now. i hope you can now live the life you truly deserve. big big hug xx

marialuisa · 21/05/2004 14:02

agree with everyone else. Tell her to speak to your dad and that you have nothing to say to her. if you are feeling more "at peace" about it then you don't need to do this.

As for your dad, i think you're going to have let him come to you when he's ready.

ripley · 21/05/2004 14:02

I can understand your Grandmother's feelings about the situation, but she is being very selfish by not putting your feelings first and you should tell her this.

I also think it is outrageous that your own father, who did this to you, has the audacity to stop speaking to you when it is a situation that he has created and was completely out of your control. Just remember that the only reason that he is reacting this way is because he knows what he did was so unbelievably wrong and there was no way he wanted his own mother to find out, for obvious reasons. That is not your problem, that is his and do not accept any blame whatsoever. Whatever you do, make sure you hold on to your strength and remember that you have nothing to feel guilty about. ((()))

shrub · 21/05/2004 14:06

kalex - why not cancel, but offer the advice for her to seek counselling aswell. she can then work through her feelings and when you BOTH feel ready meet up? it sounds as if its not that you don't want to see her - it might not be the right time yet?

Original poster
kalex · 21/05/2004 14:10

Tried to phone, shes already left. BUGGER!
I do want to meet her, but I really am in shock from the conversation yesterday. So don't feel ready for any kind of confrontation.

The good thing is, I have to fetch DD for swimming lesson at 4.00, so not alot of time for "grown up" chat

OP posts:
shrub · 21/05/2004 14:14

leave a letter outside the door for her? just a thought. you don't have to let the fact she has left give her that power for some sort of confrontation. its not fate.xx

motherinferior · 21/05/2004 14:18

Yes, if you want to why don't you just go out NOW and leave her a letter. She shouldn't force you to take on the guilt SHE's feeling after bullying you for so long. Go and sit in a nice cafe with a book.

sponge · 21/05/2004 14:24

What you've been through is terrible, but as mothers we must all have some sympathy for your gran as well. Imagine finding out that your precious son is capable of such a thing. It must be devastating.
Having said that, as the others have all said that is no reason to let her impose on you. She'll have to find her own way through it as you have and you are not the one who should have to support her.
Good luck.

Beetroot · 21/05/2004 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

shrub · 21/05/2004 14:29

kalex - are you still there? simple note saying 'i understand you must be in shock at the moment. i feel we should meet up later when you have had a chance to talk to someone impartial and possibly your son first?'
i hope your ok

Original poster
kalex · 21/05/2004 14:36

Still here.

I think that I will speak to here today, if only to say that I don't want to talk about it.

I really hope that this will be a real oppurtunity to rebuild something that once was a very special relationship to me.

I absolutley feel for her, if I was in her position I would be devastated, but can't bear the thought of a conversation about how SHE feels and how SHE is reacting, but I do hope that I am misjudging her.

On the positive, we can only now start from the bottom, I cannot break down our relationship any further, as it is currently at rock bottom,

The other problem for her is my father is in Sa and stepmother screens all calls, he is an alcholic and she screens calls to aviod confrontation

OP posts:
shrub · 21/05/2004 14:45

hope things go ok. its amazing about the call screening! having been involved so heavily with this with my dm who is also an alcoholic we all have 'roles' to play to support both victim and perpetrator. i don't know if this will be helpful but i have always remembered a quote from kahil gibran 'the prophet' helped me to eventually find a sort of peace in all the chaos: 'your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your own understanding'.i think your positivity will bring you through this next stage. as you say this is as much an opportunity as a crisis. big hug xx

Twinkie · 21/05/2004 14:47

Kalex - just try - 'this isn't about how you are feeling' - 'he did the damage to me' - confront it head on - you shouldn't have to deal with how she feels about this.

Good Luck Honey XXX

tweeny · 21/05/2004 14:59

my heart goes out to you.
there are a lot of people out here thinking of you. hope all is ok.

SweetFudge · 21/05/2004 15:25

Kalex, I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. My thoughts are with you. As hard as it is for your gran to discover her son abused you, it has been hell for you and you need to place yourself and your healing first. You might tell her that you love her but that raking it up again will open up deep wounds that are only just beginning to close. I know older people don't for the most part believe in counselling but maybe your sister can find one for her (since she was the one who hinted at it to your gran and has therefore played a part in the pain resurfacing).
A counsellor will help your gran articulate and deal with her feelings better. Also, you are not your gran's dumping ground for her emotions much as you love her!

I hope this afternoon wasn't too tough. Big hug to you.

tweeny · 21/05/2004 17:26

how did it go? i've been thinking of you all afternoon.

shrub · 21/05/2004 18:27

me too

Original poster
kalex · 21/05/2004 19:11

It went OK. We only spent about 30 mins together by ourselves. We then spent time with the grandchildren.

Have just poured myself a large galss on wine.

She doesn't see it from my persective at all, and asked why I didn't stop it FFS! I was eleven.

She also said that hehas ruined his life, which I have known for a long time. But she did try and say that this was the readon that he was an alcholic, which I don't think was the case.

She didn't support me at all, BUT she didn't try to tear me. Ultimatley I am really gald this has happened, there is nobody else that be upset by this, and I can stop worrying about her finding out coz she knows.

Now I need to reevaluate relationship with Father again.

Thank you so so much

Thank you so much.

OP posts:
tweeny · 21/05/2004 19:20

i'm so glad this has turned out better than you expected. she sounds like she's got some demons to face now - you may find you end up supporting her - you sound strong enough to cope although it's miserable that you have too.
it's good that you don't have to worry about her finding out any more - that must have been such a burden.
enjoy your wine - you deserve it!