back to rock bottom

[NorfolkEnchantsToday]

I'm 27, a student nurse and full time mum. I'm a single parent since finding out exp wanted to terminate and chose the girl he was having an affair with.
This conjured a big move to move back near some family.
Family help a little bit but are Ill themselves. I have a supportive neighbour. All the girls are out tonight and I can't go- no babysitter, no money.
Dd doesn't see her dad very often despite a court order.
She's in full time childcare as I work too. So I try to be fun in front of her. She's 3.5.
She shouldn't have just witnessed her mum break down the way she did.

Four years, four years of being stuck in this life. I love DD so much, my best friend, all I have.
Everything I do is a struggle, never any money, lack of sleep through worrying. I'm fat, overweight and I mess up everything I try to do. Nothing ever goes right. I try my best and I'm nothing but a failure.

Four years being trapped, four years of pretending I'm okay despite being on anti depressants. Four years of having no friends and no idea what to say to the ones I do have. Pity party- no thanks

Four years since someone just held me. Cuddled me? Was there for me. I just walk along on my own now. Everything is down to me.

There's absolutely nothing I can do, there's nothing much left in me. I've given up thinking life will change and listening to those who say it will and I'll have a family. It's not true.

I need help, just to accept this is my life and just get used to it. I made these choices.
How do I accept it all? This is all my bleak life will be? It's all there is and ever will be X

Maybe accept that your ex is going to go round slagging you off and lying - not much you can do about that afaik. But you don't have to stay in contact with his cronies, or hear his shit if you block him. Try to build up a new set of acquaintances, e.g. via ads as I suggested. I dropped some friends who believed the stories and have no contact. Gradually the rage is subsiding.

Other things you can change, e.g. meet him on front doorstep for drop off with door shut (change locks if he has keys). Only open the door and go in when he has left.

And do start a "how can I get ex to cooperate with contact arrangements" thread. I'm sure there will be some practical / legal steps you could try.

Thank you

Norfolk I am slowly getting out of the place you are describing with lots of therapy, reading self help books and for me Co-dependents no more, and beyond co-dependency from melody Beattie. These books were massive eye openers. Also lots of self-compassion after discovering that my needs are important and if I neglect it I won't be able to look after the Dcs like I want too.
Start with therapy.

Well I went to the doctor and she didn't do anything. No changes to medication.
Just a referral to home start? Which I don't need!
And a referral to a weight loss clinic.

I did show her this thread.

Not very helpful ... what kind of ADs are you on? Maybe your could look on the manufacturer's website or on the NHS or whatever and see if there's any advice about them being less effective or having side effects when you take them with certain foods or at certain times of day? Are you taking them regularly? Did the GP not talk about anything like that?

Weight loss clinic is a bit depressing if that's all she's focusing on, but might be a way to get in a group of people who may have similar problems and who might support you or allow you to vent!

Home start might help, as they will come round to the house and help you and talk to you. They might also be able to access some free counselling for you. The referral to the weight loss clinic is pretty standard nowadays if you are overweight. You don't have to go.

I am 4 years on from when XH walked out with no warning. My DD is now 7yo. He is also a prick who dropped contact, threatened to take me to court, didn't see her for 6 months, then wanted to see her on Christmas Eve. I have asked him to build up contact slowly, just the two of them, but nope, on the 2nd visit he turned up with OW and baby in tow.

So I do understand a lot of what you are going through. He won't respond to emails, won't skype every week, yet is happy to plaster on facebook that I am stopping him from seeing his DD... aarrggghhh!!!! and breathe.....

I think you need to tackle one thing at a time. See if you can join any local evening classes or hobby groups (not always easy I know).

I have just joined Slimming World, and am trying hard to focus on that and lose some weight. I work full time around DD's school hours (Im self employed).

I have had endless counselling, initially to get over the grief of losing my H so suddenly, as I had no idea anything was wrong.

More recently I had counselling to help me not care about what he says, thinks or does. It has helped a lot. good advice from mum2mum

I now see my self as having full care of DD, as XH is currently seeing her for one day every 3-4 weeks. I don't resent that now, I try to enjoy it.

Thank you all I guess it's almost confirmed what I knew that this is something I need to work through/
It's citalopram that I am on.

Skye you might recognise me

I do now, I just twigged. Sorry I didn't put two and two together before, should have guessed by DD's age and description of your Twunts behaviour....

So sorry you are still going through the same old shit.

It does take a bloody long time, but you just have to keep fighting on.

How's DD, I bet she's a cute little madam now?

It's bloody hard work doing it on your own and working/studying, but you are doing it and should be proud of yourself.

You just need to get your head into a place where a whatever Twunt does, you just don't care.

Having no contact for six months was bliss for me but very upsetting for MS.

Thank you Skye

Oh and DD is fantastic :-)

I've got friends who are single mums, and when kids hit school age they all operate a favour bank system. Loads of people need support with juggling work and kids, life is so much easier when you can share the load with others in the same boat.

As your dd grows, you'll be less physically exhausted (I am led to believe) and she will develop her own social life which will boost yours too.

I'm not a single mum but I find parenting really hard. A part of me (that I keep to myself) is simply on hold until my DS grows older and needs me less. I'm on Ads too but I think mine really do work well, I'm on sertraline (with occasional temazepam for a treat).

I was doing so well then a date cancelled on me last minute.
Then I find out ex is in Norfolk with new girlfriend no wonder he hasn't started about seeing DD this weekend

oh well, his loss! you don't need the stress of a man in your life

How are you doing?

I was doing great until a solicitors letter from the ex arrived

What does the twat want now?

Demanding I comply with the court order and send her for weekends despite not having seen her seven months

What the hell is the matter with these tossers! Twunt dropped contact then changed his mind, I asked for mediation so he got a solicitor to threaten me with him going for custody and demanding I drive 2 hours to meet him.

I replied, got no response for weeks, chased solicitor to be told he no longer acted. Didn't hear anything from July til October, then more abuse then nothing til Christmas!

How can your Twunt issue demands when he's not seen her for so long? He should take her out for the day to start with, that's what my Twunt is doing every 3 weeks.

Exactly Skye it's infuriating they think of only themselves and not the DC

He is using your DD to get at you, he knows which buttons to press.

Oh for sure but he hasn't half ignited the fire in my belly!

Skyeskyeskye your wisdom is needed on a post in relationships about exs and solicitors