back to rock bottom

[NorfolkEnchantsToday]

I'm 27, a student nurse and full time mum. I'm a single parent since finding out exp wanted to terminate and chose the girl he was having an affair with.
This conjured a big move to move back near some family.
Family help a little bit but are Ill themselves. I have a supportive neighbour. All the girls are out tonight and I can't go- no babysitter, no money.
Dd doesn't see her dad very often despite a court order.
She's in full time childcare as I work too. So I try to be fun in front of her. She's 3.5.
She shouldn't have just witnessed her mum break down the way she did.

Four years, four years of being stuck in this life. I love DD so much, my best friend, all I have.
Everything I do is a struggle, never any money, lack of sleep through worrying. I'm fat, overweight and I mess up everything I try to do. Nothing ever goes right. I try my best and I'm nothing but a failure.

Four years being trapped, four years of pretending I'm okay despite being on anti depressants. Four years of having no friends and no idea what to say to the ones I do have. Pity party- no thanks

Four years since someone just held me. Cuddled me? Was there for me. I just walk along on my own now. Everything is down to me.

There's absolutely nothing I can do, there's nothing much left in me. I've given up thinking life will change and listening to those who say it will and I'll have a family. It's not true.

I need help, just to accept this is my life and just get used to it. I made these choices.
How do I accept it all? This is all my bleak life will be? It's all there is and ever will be X

Being a single parent is hard, and lonely.
You're doing a fantastic job working and raising your dd by yourself you know. It's a lot to do. All the responsibility is on you.

You do get used to it after a while, it's just the way it is. Think of it another way - you're in total control. Just reading some of the threads in here with people trapped in abusive relationships makes me thankful I escaped mine.

Perhaps have something to lol forward to? We've been to Croyde bay for years (you'll get a huge discount too being NHS). It's by the beach, lots of activities and other nice people to chat to if you want to. I've been in my own with 2 Dc and I love it there.

Or a weekend away somewhere with your dd somewhere fun?

I tend to plan things like this in all year

Thank you all its just all seems never ending

That's how I feel. I think we have complete control which, in some ways is good, but I can't exercise like I used to as I don't have childcare and an overweight so that compounds the sadness!!nevertheless it takes some serious balls to do it all yourself, don't overlook that X

Thank you.

Just never enough hours in a day because your so knackered!

I think what grates is the fact her feckless father does bugger all and continues to do as he pleases. The family are so upper class that me and DD are seen as like Jeremy Kyle guests and that I got pg on purpose to trap him.

I wouldn't change having DD, I just think it's very unfair fathers can just walk into the sunset- or in mines case post all over social media that I won't let him see his daughter.

Funny how I can say that to someone I haven't spoken to for six months when he last saw DD

When I was in my mid 30s I was you, OP.

Little by little life got better because I started to take some control. For me it was changing my job to something with more manageable hours though less money; tidying/cleaning the house including clearing out all the crap I'd held on to; joining a couple of groups that my DC could also be part of - met a couple of women there who I could talk to, though this wasn't something that happened overnight; started looking after myself - stopped eating crap and not moving except when I went to work - going outdoors with the DC was an effort but they loved it more than watching videos and it lifted my mood; I started to find joy in my DC - reading to them; giving and receiving cuddles.

I didn't fancy counselling but I became a self help book junkie - loads of stuff in the library and much of it resonated with me and helped me start believing that there was a better life availble to me.

Baby steps, OP, baby steps.

It's horrible that some men walk away :( the person I conceived with has had zero involvement, no financial support. He's a narcissistic sociopath so it's a good job he's out of the picture (and serving time currently!) I've been through emotional hell

op you have the biggest, most valuable asset of all. Your daughter. She is full of love and laughter. Follow her lead. Keep a diary and note the things you are grateful for and the things that make her smile.

Start by making tiny adjustments to try and improve your health. Take control. Write one thing a day you are going to work on.

Success brings happiness, even little achievements do. Try and fill your days with one little achievement. Even ticking one thing on a to do list can give a sense of achievement.

Good luck op

please work on small steps, little things each week to help you.
My number one suggestion would be to eliminate sugar as much as you can. So no sugar drinks, no cakes, sweets etc. this will help your weight, but also help your energy levels. It takes 24 hours for the cravings to go and you will feel fabulous.

As for the rest, please go back to the GP to get your medicines sorted out.
Please be proud that you are a nurse.
Please be proud that you are somebody's whole world.

Please keep talking on here, we will help.

I had to comment as I think you are doing a great job.
What are you up to today?
Does the feckless one pay maintenance?
I second what everyone says about the doctor and cut down on the energy drinks even if it's slowly (I had to with diet coke)
What about planning a break? I could help you. I took my boys to centre parcs and had a great time.
We are all here to support you X

Everything sounds really tough, and a lot of it is out of your control. You can gain back some control though.

I do think that there are small steps that you can take to make things better, which I think will also make your mindset better. These will be hard, but they can quickly have a snowball effect.

Please try to eat better. Your body & mind need the right fuel. Sugar etc in that instant that you eat it is making you feel better, but will be doing no good for your mood. Start eating more fruit and veg, eat nutritious meals. This doesn't have to be expensive or time-consuming. Next time you are on AL commit to this for the week, I promise that once you have gone through any withdrawal you will start to feel so much more energetic, and without the highs & lows that a bad diet gives you.

Make plans, things you can look forward to. I don't know where in the country you live, or if you have transport, but there are always free & fun things you can do with your daughter. Are there any other single mums you can pair up with so you can do things together?

Make sure your home is free of clutter, and somewhere you are happy to be - this should be your haven. I've lived in some horrible areas, in some horrible accommodation, but you can still make it nice inside.

I know all of this may sound overwhelming, and you may think that I am missing the point. It may sound hard to even get started on making some positive changes, but your life is already hard, so what have you got to lose?

Energy drinks suppress your appetite, some people even use them to lose weight (bad idea as it causes anxiety and heart problems).

Combined with the time of year, your diet and lack of exercise will be playing a big role in how shit you feel. Of course you feel shit because of your situation but these things will be bringing you further down. Couch to 5k sounds like you were expecting a lot of yourself, frankly. How about starting out with something more realistic, like cooking a healthy meal and walking to the park with your little one every other day for a week, with a treat (cinema? Nice magazine?) if you manage it?

It is so hard to round up the energy and break the cycle, but that's not your fault. I find that listening to health podcasts helps as a reminder, to gain a tiny amount of motivation! Perhaps you could also advertise locally and find another young single mum or two for playdates? Or for a keep fit "buddy" who also finds it hard to exercise alone? Might help find friends in a similar position.

Sounds like you feel a bit intimidated by your ex's parents, but really they are none of them very impressive, despite their supposed superiority, if they treat the mother of their dc/dgc like that. You sound far more caring (and incidentally amazing for studying alongside all this). Could you bypass your ex and get the GPS to look after your daughter sometime? Or are they too nasty to be left with her?

Thank you all your all right.
Today's agenda is asda to get vitamins and some proper food. I've got a slow cooker but because it ends up being on so long it's like slop and I honestly don't even know what to cook. I'm hopeless

My house is in a lovely area, it's my castle and I've worked hard to get it so lovely. Clutter is building and I need to be more proactive.

Cooking is so overrated how about just a massive salad? Half a lettuce, tomatoes, spring onions, can of tuna, bag of grated cheese, dash of oil and juice of one lemon. Ready in minutes!

The GPs told me last time they saw DD that I was lucky they brought her back and I'd be going to prison for preventing contact. () and that they were going to residency (7 months ago)
The feckless one does pay some maintainence but it was a struggle getting that tbh

He skypes DD when he feels like it and eats like chocolate buttons on Skype in front of her.
Skype isn't regular and leaves DD so confused.

E
Currently he's telling me he's having her for weekends again. Despite not having seen her for six months and my idea of building up contact again being ridiculous.

He refuses to drop her anywhere other than my house but he is aggressive and goes through my house.

He won't let me know about contact by a Wednesday so I can plan work

He's meant to pay me petrol money but I ended up having to ring and beg for it 5 minutes before I left.

DD was going to his parents 3 hours away for sat at 2pm Til sun she'd be home at 4. I had drive there and him drive back.

He leaves her with strangers
Has her sleeping in a travel cot despite me buying a ready bed for her there.

He's not seen her for 6 months and regularly threatens me with court despite me asking to sort it out.

I've seen a solicitor. He wants me to take him to court so he doesn't have to pay.

He slates me on social media, tells me I'm off my head and a disgrace. It's all hot air and I let it wash over me but it hard when I feel like I'm drowning.

She got birthday presents regifted with a birthday card for Christmas as apparently I stopped him giving them to her or posting them.

Nothing in life comes before DD She is everything and when she's constantly telling me she wants daddy if hurts.

I've told him regular consistent safe contact is key but I'm at a bloody loss

what an arse ... do the GPS have any idea that he is the Jeremy Kyle candidate? If you block him you won't see any of his rubbish.

The fact your daughter wants to see him just shows what a good mum you have been, making her feel good about her dad somehow.

Oh Norfolk your first post had me just about in tears.

You are not facing a bleak night, or day, or life, alone. Right now there are people like me and PPs who are empathising with you and are touched by what you are going through. I so understand that feeling of the phone never ringing; sometimes I have the thought that should I be hit by a car the paramedics will look through my phone for someone to contact and will be disgusted by the fact I have so few numbers in my phone. Such a ludicrous thought, which can drive me to despair.

I don't have much practical advice beyond what PPs have said, only that yes, changing your diet and working to improve your health will have a profound effect on your feeling of wellbeing, I beg you to take it easily, and to not berate yourself if you do not do it all perfectly, all the time. It is so easy to fall into the thinking pattern of "doing well" and "failing". If you eat a lovely, veggie-laden dinner, wonderful. If you then eat biscuits or chocolate or whatever later, that doesn't undo the fact that you did cook/organise a lovely, healthy dinner. There is no failure in any of this, there is no perfection. Do all you can to avoid feelings of guilt, not just with food but with everything. You cannot fail at living, it isn't possible.

The last thing I will suggest might sound a bit hippie-dippie, but give it a try. Lift up your head. Just raise your head, raise your eyes upward, stretch your neck up and straighten your shoulders. Even better if you can do this outside, regardless of the weather or night or day. Sometimes depression, fatigue, feeling overburdened can make you curl in on yourself, make your shoulders hunch in and keep your eyes cast down into your lap. Depression can give you this horrible sense of tunnel-vision, that you can't even notice until you intentionally change your posture. Sounds silly, I know, but please try it. Go outside, stretch your neck and lift your gaze upward. Just look up for a while, breathe slowly, draw your shoulders back and don't look down, for a little while.

for you, and keep posting

Ok with the contact you need to take control of this. Work out a contact schedule that suits you. Give it to him. Tell him that's the schedule. You shouldn't be doing all the driving - I would suggest that he collects her and you pick her up. That way you have control over the time she's returned

Don't enter into discussions about it, that's what you're offering and that's it

He won't even talk to me now. Just demands she go for the whole weekend as per court order despite not seeing DD for six months

He sounds like a complete arse hole :( makes me so mad. You're doing everything for your daughter abs he's doing nothing. Sad excuse for a father :( keep being a brilliant mummy, it's bloody hard but you are a wonderful person.

Thank you I just hate it, he is a nightmare just when you think he's gone he comes back

How did it go today Norfolk?

It's been okay. I managed to show my best friend (neighbour) this thread and kind of broke down and had a good long chat . She said she had noticed I was wobbling for about a month.
We shared a dominos with the children as her treat.
We've set me like one job to do a day so tonight I'm doing my wardrobe out and posting on selling sites. Not my thing really but I'm trying. AND I'm not actually in bed yet!

Still feel really really shit and know most of it is out of my control but I've done something.

I just wonder if there's anything I can do about ex-p

Well done

Yes, the situation with ex is intolerable ... doesn't sound like you can set boundaries with him if he refuses to comply. Could you communicate via his parents at all? I'd bet they are hearing a completely bogus story from him ... maybe send them emails or letters explaining what you want and why, asking them to pass on the message?

Legally I have no clue ... maybe someone else knows more ... perhaps start a new thread on the subject with a more specific title?

Unfortunately I can't talk to them as they believe him

I just need to accept my lot I guess