Naked photos found on husbands phone.

[Mrsstrife]

Hi All....advice please!
Back in November my husband came back from working away, It was late and I was on my way up the stairs to tuck my daughter into bed and I happened to just glance down the stairs. Well my husband was looking down at his phone and I could see naked photos of a woman and text bubbles. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was texting his son. I knew what I had seen so as he walked up the stairs I grabbed his phone and locked myself in the bathroom. I scrolled down and saw photos of this woman and text messages from both her and my husband saying what they would do to each other....let you use your imagination. ... I didn't have much time as he was able to get into our bathroom and grabbed the phone off me.
Over the course of the week much arguing and denial on his part carried on. My husband actually gave my mobile number to her so she called me to say there was nothing in it....just texts....and it was all a bit embrassing and silly. I have since found out it was a woman who worked at his office and might be married. Things started to calm down with Christmas coming up and his birthday I thought for the kids sake get through the holiday and address in the new year. This was very stressful.
In the new year I still had a feeling in my gut there was more to know. Husband carried on with his tale that it was two weeks of madness etc etc sorry sorry sorry etc. Now I have found after digging around it has been going on since September ...more photos....text message to her on Christmas Day wishing my woman's name happy Christmas and don't text back. He has admitted his two week tale was not true and the texts photos have been months but it's all done with. I asked him to leave which he has not done and refuses to stating he has been stupid he loves me...it was just photos and messages nothing more. We had a weekend planned in Italy which I refused to go to and he stayed as he wants to work it out and fix everything.....sorry if this long but I'm pretty broken at the moment and unsure what path to take.

sorry for what your going through

Your children have a stable home with YOU, their home is you and wherever you are, he is nothing but a fixture that can change as you see fit. Yes that's a terribly cold and emtionless thing to say about him, but this is the way he has treated you...carelessly and without much thought because he prioritised a bit on an office flirtation, sexting and getting his end away over YOU and his family life with you.

Yes maybe he has been stupid, maybe it's a one off...but do you really want to hang around to find out? Wait and see if he does it again?

Your in a good position to leave if you want to, you absolutely do not have to put up with him treating you this way. Unless you truly believe it was a mistake and that he is genuinely sorry and will never ever doing again, I would rid myself of him. Living in a relationship where your looking for clues, wondering if he's telling the truth or lying and hiding things does nothing but absolutely and utterly destroy your self confidence your self worth and leaves you a mess. Better to leave while your strong and yes while your self esteem has taken quiet a knock your integrity and dignity will be well and truly intact.

OP: whether or not he is genuinely sorry, whether he is worth the trouble and the hurt of trying to recover from this betrayal only you can know as only you know him. I do know that worth it or not, staying is often much harder than and I leaving. You have to figure out if he is worth staying for, for you.

I'm a bit confused about this 'giving him a second chance' thing...

Surely his second chance was after you initially found the naked photos and texts?

But he carried on texting this woman, knowing you were on to him, even on Christmas Day.

Now he's drip feeding, giving you as much/little info as he knows he can get away with. And it's working, isn't it?

Great advice all! I am seriously considering telling her husband .... Might do it tonight in fact .... Either way I need to make several appointments! I just can't believe their audacity and I'm coming to the conclusion they are pretty well suited!

Yes you are right about second chance thing.... I think when something like this happens you brain goes into shock! I mean life's hectic enough.... Think I need to get out of the denial stage myself ASAP

You've only been married 18 months and he's been having an affair for either all or at least most of that time. Maybe even before. Maybe there were others, who knows.

It's over. He can't be trusted. He doesn't love or respect you. He lied to you. What more are you waiting for? Move out if he won't and hold your head up high.

i hope you haven put the home you own in his name also.....get rid...he had a second chance and blew it ...good luck

I'm sorry. What a horrible man. You will never be able to trust him again, it will eat away at you. Better to get rid, which is easy for all of us to say, though it often comes from having been there. Don't waste your life on a shitbag.

Bugger OP. I'm sorry that he's betrayed you and decided to break your marriage vows. Now it's your turn to make the decisions.

He's had a second chance.

Of course he won't leave- he's got a cushy home life and sex on tap with OW which he can just deny when things get awkward.

I'm sorry but 2nd chances only work if the cheating partner is truly remorseful and truthful. And the act of the affair has made them realise really what they are destroying at home. but in your husbands case he can't be either of those as he is trying to say there has been no/hardly any wrongdoing on his part.

He is trying to con you into believing things are not serious and the disrespect for you is staggering that he thinks you are stupid enough to just belive what he tells you rather than the evidence makes me think he will not only never tell you the whole story but will cheat again as soon as he thinks he'll get away with it.

I'm very sorry he has done this to you and your family.

See a solicitor pronto to make sure he doesn't have a claim on your property. What I suggest you do is give notice to the tenants in your owned home and move in there with your kids.

Leave him wherever the fuck he falls. Find all the evidence you can and divorce him for adultery. With a bit of luck and such a short mortgage, if you owned your home before you met him he may not have a claim on it.

Guaranteed, if you don't divorce him within 6 months you cannot cite adultery and the longer the marriage then the more claim he might have

He has shown you what he is. You made a mistake marrying him, don't compound it further. You have your kid's future to think of. And that should not involve hanging on to a man who can't be arsed to give you what you need to make an informed decision about the rest of your life.

He has cheated on you.
Leave him.

Hi OP

Second chances can always happen providing that the one having the affair has come totally clean and told you everything and is wanting to do anything to make the marriage work. Like others have said, he has probably not told you the whole story yet. It has probably been going on for months and will involve full sex and emotions. Your husband is shitting himself at the moment and hopping it will all go away until he can decide what he wants to do.

As others have said, you need time alone to process this and see if you still want to be with him. No contact for a month would be a good start for you.

"hoping" spelling error there!!

Oh dear, another one so sorry, it's like a duplicate of another recent thread involving topless pics on his phone....He has almost certainly shagged her. If he's working away, that seems the most probable time. What an utter fuckwit he is
Please tell her OH, it's the right thing to do. And leave or get rid of him. Don't be one of these women that takes the path of least resistance and let apathy set in cos your self respect/esteem is in your boots. Don't be like that. Don't stand for any of his BS. For me, once a liar, always a liar! They become quite adept at it. He's shown where his loyalty lies but you're now gonna upset his warm, cosy set up and wot will happen to his reputation??!
So he's gonna turn on the BS big time to keep u in your place and play your role in this farce! Fuck that
Let him have it both barrels! He's nothing but shit on your heel. Don't waste anymore time on the loathesome turd. Get them divorce papers tended to.
Wishing u strength....pls maximise support frm your friends and family.

Keep quiet. Get copies of pertinent documents and change ALL passwords he has access to for your personal information. See a solicitor. Understand and sort out your legal and financial situation. Especially sort out any claims he may or may not have on the home that you own. If you have joint finances, be prepared to separate them the split second you've told him to get out.

Drop no 'bombshells' on anyone until you've done this first.

Ok good plan across the pond 55 .... Have always had a knicker drawer with stashed cash .... Will start Monday and keep you all updated .... Thanks again for great support .... The comments are what I've been thinking really deep down.

Knicker-drawer-cash. Or what my BFF and I used to call a 'Fuck You Fund'.

Also, if possible, you may want to enlist ONE good, trustworthy friend to confide in. Someone who may be in a place to hold cash, documents, etc for you. Someone to bounce ideas off or call in a pinch.

Now, realize that I came from an abusive marriage where I had to use secrecy and hiding things until I was strong enough and had my ducks in a row to end things. You may not need outside help.

I gave mine a second chance after he confessed to an affair, expressed remorse and said she had gone back home (abroad). Eight years later he left anyway. As far as I was concerned it was eight years wasted and I regret it.

I gave mine a second chance, stayed together another 3 years before he cheated again. Back to present day another long term relationship with another cheater, ended it immediately. No second chances ever for anyone again.

Mmmmm that's what I worry about .... Second chance might equal second chance to get hurt!!! I think we all deserve someone who will always be on our side

Hi everyone .... Now the big question ..... Do I call her husband and tell him??

Not until after you have safeguarded your own position by collecting documents, segregating your share of cash/valuables, getting some legal advice. Eventually, call him, but protect yourself first. Because when you do the OW is going to go berserk on your husband and who knows how he'll try to retaliate on you.

Agree with Lea. You keep absolutely quiet until you have secured your position and made your 'escape plan'.

Only after you are either safely away or your H is living elsewhere should you tell OW's H. To do otherwise would be to give yourself away.

Hi there! Hope all is going well. I remember your thread and have thought about you from time to time.

Thank you Across. So many people on that thread helped me through that time. I don't know what I would have done without it.