Is this an affair ?

[Heartshapedbox86]

Long time lurker I've joined tonight because I've found out that my husband has been cheating on me.

I've found I his week that my husband of 6 years has been meeting up with a women and engaging in oral sex.

He says it isn't an affair because it's not emotional and all it is then making out with high leads to her giving him blow jobs and other sexual contact. He says it's not an affair because they haven't had full sex and it's not emotinally attached.

I've told him that in my eyes this is an affair but he says I'm wrong.

I'm deverstaed but he's making me feel like I'm overacting

Absolutely an affair. Kick this arrogant boychild to the kerb. This manipulative behaviour (of you and the ow) is unacceptable.

Your life will be better without this man.

He doesn't get to tell you what to think - he isn't the thought police.

Of course he is having an affair. And he is treating you like you're too stupid to do anything about it.

As he acted like he is sorry at any point ....um ?

Of course it is an affair, he can dress it up how he likes, it is! He sounds very arrogant and not at all remorseful. Not sure if you have children, but if I was you I would want some time away from him to seriously think about my future. So sorry for you.

sometimes a marriage can survive an affair, you don't have to leave.

Usually only when the cheat realises what they have done and what they stand to lose. By making him leave for a while, showing him life as an ex for a bit is far more effective than sticking by him and playing the pick me dance.

Absolutely it is possible to get through an affair, but not when he's in this mind frame.

He's a liar and seems to find it easy to talk bullshit.

I'd tell him to leave , get your ducks in a row and remember you're better off without a lying dickhead getting sneaky blowjobs off some other woman.

Wow. He's something else, isn't he? Does he really think you'll fall for this?

And as others have said, it actually doesn't matter what he thinks, it's what you think that counts. You don't need his permission to end things. He's on another planet if he seriously believes that you're over-reacting and that what he's doing is OK in a serious relationship.

Do you have children?

OK. It doesn't matter what he calls it, so stop focusing on that.

You do not need his permission to leave the relationship. You are unhappy, that is all that matters.

He is frankly disgusting, and his reaction to this leads me to suspect it's the tip of the iceberg in his dismissive treatment of you - would that be correct?

Please see a solicitor as soon as you can, so you know what the possible outcomes would be and where you go from here. He will want you to think he is calling all the shots and holds all the cards, but the opposite is probably true.

Come on woman, pick yourself up and locate your self esteem, it's in there somewhere.

Op, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but wtf is up with your boundaries? He's got you on an internet forum questioning whether or not an obvious affair is actually an affair - what else does he gaslight you about? How long has he been manipulating you into a specific version of events that suit him, your whole marriage?

Money is a real concernespecially these daysbut, if you are staying purely for financial reasons, ask yourself about the mental, emotional and physical expense of staying in an unhealthy situation.

Re my previous comment, that was for another thread.

You are not overreacting at all. He is trying to minimise his actions and confuse you further. You and he now need to be apart.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Please don't let him use semantics to minimise what he's done. If it helps, stop using the term 'affair' and say unfaithful. Or sexual activity outside the marriage. Or anything else that absolutely makes it clear to him that it is unacceptable to go looking for sexual satisfaction outside your marriage (and he did go looking for this - no one trips over and finds their genitals in their colleague's mouth), engage in it repeatedly and then try and quibble over whether you've done anything wrong. He knows he's been a shit, he's just hoping you'll let him ignore that and go on pretending.

What Rivierakid said. How does your husband usually treat you, OP? Does he have form for twisting things and being manipulative?

He's been unfaithful and is now trying to justify it rather than being sorry. LTB. Seriously. And this comes from someone who thinks that marriages should be worked at wherever possible rather than ended abruptly.

Whatever he decides to call it, he has cheated and lied and kept it from you..ive been there and your h is doing what mine did and minimising it all to make you feel like the bad guy.
His total lack of remorse and respect on top of the cheating is horrible and I'm so sorry you're going through this x

Audreyhelp

Sometimes a marriage can survive an affair you don't have to leave.

Agreed, have been there myself

But only when the cheating spouse is honest, hugely remorseful, accepts the blame and moves heaven and earth to get the marriage back on track.

It doesn't sound like this man, (who won't even admit it's an affair, and has twisted everything to make the OP doubt that receiving blow jobs from a colleague is actually cheating), is capable of doing that whatsoever.

It's hard enough for a marriage to recover when the cheater does all the right things.

Has he started blaming you yet, OP?

His minimisation is all part of the cheater's script.