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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this an affair ?

66 replies

Heartshapedbox86 · 30/01/2016 00:23

Long time lurker I've joined tonight because I've found out that my husband has been cheating on me.

I've found I his week that my husband of 6 years has been meeting up with a women and engaging in oral sex.

He says it isn't an affair because it's not emotional and all it is then making out with high leads to her giving him blow jobs and other sexual contact. He says it's not an affair because they haven't had full sex and it's not emotinally attached.

I've told him that in my eyes this is an affair but he says I'm wrong.

I'm deverstaed but he's making me feel like I'm overacting Sad

OP posts:
Meeep · 30/01/2016 03:22

Why don't you check with his mum whether she thinks it counts as an affair that he's been regularly meeting with his female friend - who he texts all the time - to kiss and have oral sex.

mumndad37 · 30/01/2016 03:27

I second Meeep. His Mum will not think this is 'NOTHING'

bb888 · 30/01/2016 03:40

What he thinks this is doesn't really matter, its what you make of it and whether you want to continue a relationship on this basis.
Of course you aren't over reacting - the only thing that needs to matter here is what you think of whats happened and what that means, as the relationship can only continue if you both want to be in it (and thats without speculating about whatever is going on in his head and what he actually wants).

TubbyTabby · 30/01/2016 04:17

he's full of it, isn't he?
kick him out and tell everyone what he's done. i doubt he'll find anyone who shares his very twisted views on fidelity.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/01/2016 04:53

Wow. The arrogance!
A few things - this is an affair. If he can cheat so casually, he's probably done it before. He'll also probably do it again. If he's not remorseful then you can't even begin the work needed to get past it. The only sane option for you now is to kick him out.

LindyHemming · 30/01/2016 05:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/01/2016 05:35

I tell you what. Why don't you tell him you're going to call his mother and ask if she thinks having a blow job is having an affair. And his boss, see what they think.

God he's an arrogant twat isn't he, thinking he can gaslight you into believing him.

sahddad · 30/01/2016 05:55

The way you have been treated is not OK. Perhaps there are some relationships where getting a blowjob from another woman would be ok; but that needs to be agreed between the spouses in advance.

He's showing bugger all respect for your boundries. Not ok.

Creampastry · 30/01/2016 07:08

It is an affair. He is a twat.

Narp · 30/01/2016 07:13

I would want to laugh in his face if he said that to me. I am sorry he's trying to manipulate you into believing his utter crap.

You (of course) are not over-reacting.

And he has had sex with her. Oral sex.

Narp · 30/01/2016 07:14

Oh, and even if he hadn't had oral sex with her, he has deliberately lied to you, and put his desire to be with her above you. That is an affair.

ravenmum · 30/01/2016 07:23

He's even got Mumsnet playing along with his little game of "define the word 'affair'" now, hasn't he? Who gives a shit about what the "official" definition is? The point is you don't want your husband secretly meeting up with other women to furtively have oral sex. YOU don't want that. He can't tell you that you are fine with it when you are not.

inlectorecumbit · 30/01/2016 07:37

This man has no respect for you whatsoever.
He thinks you are stupid and he has got you doubting yourself
He has been meeting up with an OW, indulging in sex SEX -oral +/- full sex and expects you to believe this is not affair.
He is potentially putting your health at risk. I am sorry but he is cheating and you need an STI check.
I think l would be telling him to sling his hook for a few days till you consider where you go from hear.
what a cunt.

Costacoffeeplease · 30/01/2016 07:41

Is he a lawyer? Trying to twist and turn his way out of it?

How dare he tell you what to think - stand up for yourself, tell him to leave and give you space, then get some legal advice, and get rid asap

ravenmum · 30/01/2016 07:54

Mine played this game of mental torture with me where he'd turn the conversation round to the words I used instead of discussing the actual point. For example I wasn't allowed to say "when you said you didn't love me any more" as in fact he said he wasn't sure what he felt about me any more and "would never say" what I had accused him of, evil me. It was an effective way of making sure we didn't have a proper conversation about anything as I would have to think out every sentence carefully to ensure it didn't turn into that definitions game. Then when I used phrases he approved of, he said I was using them sarcastically and "just loved" talking like that.

Seeyounearertime · 30/01/2016 08:00

LTB with immediate effect.

As for the not cheating? Confused
of course it's fecking cheating, he's just a fuckwit that's been caught and is scrabbling for defence.

SpinyCrevice · 30/01/2016 08:04

If you can catch a STD from it, it's sex, if it's sex with someone other than your wife, it's divorce territory as far as the courts are concerned. I would be getting an SDT check soon OP. I have been where you are.

AyeAmarok · 30/01/2016 08:05

Bloody hell, I can't believe he's even got you doubting yourself over this. Aside from the fact that he has blatantly been sleeping with her, of course oral sex is cheating.

Even kissing someone else is cheating.

Kissing someone else over a period of several months and meeting up with them a few times a week is an affair. Meeting up several times a week for just oral sex is unlikely, and an affair.

The only people who think otherwise, are cheaters. Cheaters who have no respect for you whatsoever. Cheaters who, if they truly believe it's not an affair, have probably done it before, and will again.

He is gaslighting you.

He doesn't get to decide whether you have to accept his behaviour.

Can you ask him to move out for a few days, to give you space to think?

Donthate · 30/01/2016 08:12

Ltb as fast as you can

Audreyhelp · 30/01/2016 08:17

Sometimes a marriage can survive an affair you don't have to leave.

ivykaty44 · 30/01/2016 08:18

Why would you want to stay with someone that wants to have oral sex with someone else?

If you are fine with your partner having oral sex and text messages with someone else then stay, he will continue to behave in this manner.

If not then get out of the relationship and be happy

spudlike1 · 30/01/2016 08:18

He's a liar , a cheat, a manipulative bully .

LovelyFriend · 30/01/2016 08:21

Absolutely it's an affair.
He will 100% be shagging her too.
It's called minimisation

MrsH1989 · 30/01/2016 08:21

The fact that he is saying it is no big deal suggests to me it will happen again. Has he even said sorry? Even to say sorry he has upset you or anything? I think I could get past a sexual affair like this if my DH was genuinely remorseful but yours is not. I agree that I would be putting to him how he would view things if YOU were getting/giving oral sex. I would also be putting it to him if he thinks his mum would view it or a sister/aunt etc.
I think you need to get rid. Sorry. Flowers

bb888 · 30/01/2016 08:22

Sometimes a marriage can survive an affair you don't have to leave.

I don't think that a marriage can survive an affair unless the person who had the affair is truly regretful and willing to put all effort into regaining trust. This doesn't seem like its the case here.

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