New relationship with a guy whilst the ex is still pregnant?

[clashofclanswidow]

Should start by explaining, I am said ex...

I am 23 weeks pregnant and have a 2 year old with the same person I have been with for 6 years but we have recently seperated - that is a whole other story

My query is, a few days ago he told me he has met someone else and it's "early days" yet apparently they have already been talking about how things will be when our baby arrives and he has asked about introducing our oldest daughter when he is sure it is right?

At the time I was heartbroken but now I just can't get my head around it.

Why would you want to be with someone who has a baby on the way to someone else?

I can't even begin to comprehend how this is gonna work out for us all but when I did a 'google search' most stories seemed to say they could never be with a man like this or that the man ended up leaving them and going back to the ex once baby was born anyway?

Has any one been through this?! I would love to hear stories?

I appreciate just because something happened to someone else, it doesn't mean it will happen to me and if they end up happy together, that's fine as my girls will always be looked after, there's just something about this that baffles me!

I'm not going to be judgemental - just keen to hear from anyone? TIA xx

OP
Firstly sorry to hear that you are in this situation,especially after having been with your ex for so long and already having a child together.Definitely having no contact other than re the kids sounds like a good idea and I can completely understand why you wouldn't want him at the birth.I couldn't begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you.
I thought I'd try to answer your original question as I have experience of being on the other side of a situation similar to this...
My dp has a child who he has no involvement with,which resulted from a casual relationship lasting a few weeks shortly prior to meeting me. The early days of our relationship were especially tough as it was not a situation I'd dreamt of ever being in but for me I wasn't willing to write him off as a person based on this one mistake.

OP I am old 56 and I don't understand much of what goes on nowadays.
I feel outraged on your behalf. People living in the moment with no sense of decency. There I've said it.

Thanks remembermewhen - I won't be going back now. I don't think I can - aside from whats gone on there is more too it and I would also be a mug I think. I think I would lose the respect of a lot of my nearest and dearest.

If he can't respect me when pregnant, I don't think he is ever going to respect me in life, so I'm best steering well clear. I will still never forgive him for giving up on us for some poor things that could've been worked on. I know people say that to save relationships that shouldn't be saved though and it will take time to sink in properly.

I feel I should say when I don't want him at the birth, that I don't want him in the actual room with me at the time. I have said he can be at the hospital and meet baby when we're settled after labour but that's his choice now.

Thank you for your reply Keepon - I have been looking for someone with experience of this.

I hate to be nosey and I know the circumstances are different with us being more long-term as opposed to casual and this wasn't much of a mistake but is it his choice not to see the baby or hers, does she not want him too? I guess I fear eventually he will not want to bother with them both and that's hard - I worry because of his nature that he will just walk away if the pressure gets too much. I hope to god she doesn't give him that ultimatum!

Did you not fear he would go back? How do you anticipate things would have been were they in a deeper relationship with the ex to start with or would you not have gone there if it was more like mine?

Sorry for all the questions. You might not even see this. I think I'm still confused in some ways and others not and seeking closure still.

Thanks derxa - rest assured it's not an age thing as I don't understand it either haha!

Hi just wondering how it is all going? My daughter in a similar situation, a few months from leaving her pregnant and with 2 kids as well, he gets with a girl they both knew and she is pregnant within a few weeks and before their baby is even born. angry doesn't quite cover it :( there is some wondering from people if it is even his as she was with 2 others around same time. daughter would like a paternity test before introducing the baby as a sibling. im not sure of legality of that, but it seems fair to me, it is a huge thing.

Not sure of the legality of it all either but I could understand why she would want that. She doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to though.

I can fully understand your anger - my family and friends despise (not a strong enough word) my ex now. The only thing I would advise about this is to be patient with your daughter - I "had" genuine feelings for this man and you can't just switch those off and I needed my friends and family as an outlet to talk to. Sometimes it was hard for them to see past their own hatred. It's too easy to say "get over it, he left you pregnant!" when sometimes you just need to vent about why he did, even though you know they have your best interests at heart.

But 6 months on, I can honestly say I'm doing ok! =)

Not gonna lie, it's been a really tough few months and there has been threats of court and him not bothering to ask about the baby or turn up to appts etc but I rose above it.

A lot of it has been how I coped with it mentally and I repaired myself by realising he is a narcissist and won't change and eventually, once the mask falls off, he will probably treat her the same way as he treated me (he's rebounded before, to me and to exes prior to there being any kids involved) I don't see the catch in a man that abandons his pregnant girlfriend and kids but hey ho.

I hope your daughter can be as strong and I take comfort in the fact that rather than dwelling on the shoulda/woulda/couldas - I will never take him back. So any time I have a bad day, I just remind myself it is what it is and move on for my girls. I focus on my life and where I want to be now.

Make sure she does what is best for her! I got into a bad trap of thinking I was doing best for the girls, to the point I was driving them here, there and everywhere (heavily pregnant and post birth as well) just so they could spend time with him! Whereas now I have realised if he wants his kids, he can sort it himself. I used to feel guilty if they missed out but it took me a while to see it wasn't up to me - he was the one who walked away.

It's crap and she'll hurt but I can honestly say I'm better off without now I have had time away from our relationship and to see how bad it really was but it did take time. Tell her she is allowed to feel down and cry and have bad days, as long as she picks herself back up again and realises what she's got and who she's doing it for. Self development helped me loads!

I've honestly changed as a person for the better and I wish your daughter all the best! Sorry for her crappy ex xxx

Glad to hear you are doing well OP x

thanks for the reply clan :) I am so glad you are doing well. She is too. My god your story is the same re trying to get him to spend time with the kids!!!narcissists!! I think they must be brothers!! seriously. I think the pregnancy and the complication around that of a baby presumably made from love is all consuming at the time.Then same as you the not asking about the baby etc . It was so emotional. I still can cry when I think of his birth,I was with her.
daughter let him get away with controlling things from his end re the kids, he took them on a whim ,no notice ,just the day before. she had been controlled by him for so long that while pregnant she just needed to keep the peace,she was so scared of losing the baby. when he had a girl stay over while he had the kids, she stopped overnights ( this was in the parenting plan). what woman very pregnant with 2 preschoolers would stop the other parent giving her a 2 day break if it wasn't for the kids wellbeing?. both kids have suffered terribly with anxiety , still do. but he would not hear it, just abused her and hasn't spent any time with them since . He recently asked to take them for a day, its been nearly a year ,hardly even a call,so when she said yes but she'd be there too, he hit the roof and abused the crap out of her over the phone. (last straw-not the first time) so AVO it is ,with contact thru 3rd party.(me). mediation was a fail so going to court to sort out access.
like you, she will never take him back ever. has done too much to deliberately hurt. were you isolated ,out of interest? we only found out the extent of it after she got her life back. He literally filtered all info that he told her.no working car,no money, triangulated people. I feel so sad for what she had to go through. Like you the time to think has shown her how bad it was. when you're in it, it all seems ...almost normal and time flies,you think, tomorrow will be better, next week etc It was only in the last couple of months that i really noticed it for what it might be and she thought she was going mad. She is soooo much better off, mentally ,financially and socially. family friends and counselling has helped. And the children, there was no thought of buckling under the stress and pressure, they are her life, and the new baby? worth all of it.
I truly cannot understand a man who can just walk out on his own kids and never wonder how they are coping or how they are keeping warm for winter,other than to cry to other people "she wont let me see them" for sympathy . people split up, i get that, but they man up and discuss it,so there is a break up, but just doing a bolt "i cant do this" and then not making any effort to see the kids. i don't get it. not that he'd spend much more then goodmorning and goodnight for about a year though,so i know these men already are gone before they go.I don't know how they sleep at night.
The latest feedback is the teddy bear he gave his first child is now going to the new baby when its born. charming.
I won't feel sorry for the new gf she knew what went on . theres a whole other story there..and not what you think lol
i understand exactly what you mean by the hatred from others and your own feelings. i encouraged my daughter to see a counsellor for that reason. when you loved that person and here is everyone hating on them, it is very hard . people do get back together .i was pre sure they wouldnt but ,love, children etc its hard. the other thing was it was validated to her that we weren't all overreacting, that SHE wasn't over reacting, that she'd been conditioned to feel a certain way and to behave a certain way whenever he cracked it.
you sound like a strong woman like my daughter. I bow to you, I honestly don't know how i would have coped if it were me.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ,must be true :)

Hi OP, how did things turn out?