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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend had an addiction what do I do?

62 replies

Leaneedshelp · 29/01/2016 10:25

Hi there im 25 and my boyfriend is 26. it's a very long story to be honest but it starts from 6 months into our 2 and a bit years relationship my boyfriend dumped me 6 months in for 24 hours then came back saying his made a big mistake. Then everything was fine again as time went on I noticed he was doing things that you shouldn't be whilst in a relationship like a girl posted on social networking like for my number and he liked it why when he has me? Then I pulled him up on that and everything carried on as normal but all I kept getting was a feeling that something was going on like something I should know so I went through his phone to put my mind at ease but that wasn't the case he had been messaging a girl flirting calling each other babe and baby something he calls me so I pulled him up on that and that stopped then I started getting that gut feeling again so again I looked in his phone and his had numerous dating site accounts when I notified him I knew this he lied and confused his own lies because first he said one of his friends was on about it so he had a look then he said his email account had been hacked which was a lie because in that case you would just get a new one all he did was change his password so I couldn't get on it. So I had a breakdown then and he said it would stop so again we started again by this time I was pregnant with our little boy who is now 6 months so overly emotional anyway and I thought once baby was here he would change but no things still kept going on now I know he has a Twitter account dedicated to porn following over 2,000 naked pornographic women and even attempts to chat to them and also he had yet another dating site which he had been using this is recently and during our first 6 months I found out the other day he had been talking to his ex saying he was living the single life that basically he dumped me because I was boring in more ways than one and they even spoke about getting back together it just breaks my heart we have a beautiful baby and he was planned as all we both ever wanted well at least that's what he says but yet he doing all this what do I do I love him but he just keeps hurting me, I mean last week I wrote him an essay of 11 pages saying everything his done and how I feel I literally poured my heart out, he wrote one back but not really giving me what I wanted out of it it was only 2 pages. He tries to say he does things because he has put a little weight on and his adhd and he has let himself go and that's why he does these silly things which is no excuse I mean I feel unattractive and ugly that don't mean I'm going to watch porn and talk to men.

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Leaneedshelp · 29/01/2016 12:01

I think your all right but I know when I end it I'll get the shit because he will turn it on me he has when I accused him of being on dating sites he post it over social networking and everyone feels sorry for him because they have no idea what his really like.

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hellsbellsmelons · 29/01/2016 12:04

Well then dump him and block him on all social media.
Then you don't need to see it.
You should NOT worry what others think.
YOU know the truth and you can share that with people when you talk to them about it.
Don't ever splash anything over facebook.

ouryve · 29/01/2016 12:04

Run. Very far. He doesn't make you happy. He's not in a fit state to hold down a lasting relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/01/2016 12:04

You are pretty much alone within this so called relationship now. He is not looking out for you; his only interest is him.

You can and will cope if you leave this individual who is basically driving you half mad and at the same time dragging you down with him. You can go onto give both your son and you a new start in life.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Think about that. I think that counselling to unravel all the crap that you have learnt will go an awful long way in helping you and by turn your son. You need a fresh start and a new outlook without this man in your life day to day.

ouryve · 29/01/2016 12:05

And you don't have to accuse him of anything or get into discussion about anything. All you need to say is "This is not working for me, any more. Goodbye and good luck."

summerwinterton · 29/01/2016 12:07

You will cope. How could being alone be worse than this?

Where on earth is your self esteem which makes you think this piece of scum is all you deserve?

I think you should access counselling to find out why you put up with this 'man' for one minute. You say you have nobody else, why is that? Why no friends/family/colleagues? Has he isolated you from them too. He is an unfaithful porn user. Why did you ever think his behaviour would change? You do also need STI testing and pronto.

Leaneedshelp · 29/01/2016 12:08

I personally never share my personal life on social network. But his quite happy to I think it makes him feel innocent when people stick up for him and defend him. I know I need to kick him out and I intend to. I'm a nice person and no I don't want to be made out to be something I'm not but then again I suppose karma will do his work and the truth always comes out right?

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Leaneedshelp · 29/01/2016 12:18

The reason I have no one yes is because the rest of my family don't like him and make the effort with him I mean with everyone else's partners I make the effort even if I don't particularly like them because that's what you do. So I have removed myself from them all plus I don't fit into there standards I feel like I can't be myself around them because unless you have money and lavish things you don't fit in.and as for friends I've never really had any the only person I have is his sister and she knows everything and given me advice but she's still his sister and it's not fair on her being involved she has her own problems.

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nauticant · 29/01/2016 12:19

I suppose karma will do his work and the truth always comes out right?

It's always best to take control of the situation yourself. Karma can be quite unpunctual and often doesn't turn up at all.

This man is a complete and utter dead loss. You will get nothing from him except pain and damage with the very occasional sprinkling of crumbs. (And even then the crumbs will need to be checked for STIs.)

Leaneedshelp · 29/01/2016 12:21

I know I don't have any STI,s there is no way he could of done anything without me knowing he goes to work gets picked up and dropped off outside my house but his obviously looking for something.

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AndTheBandPlayedOn · 29/01/2016 12:32

He is simply using you. I agree that he targeted you when you were in the midst of severe grief over your nan. I am sorry for your loss. Flowers

Actions speak louder than words. This has triggered your gut feelings which have been spot on the whole time. It is so so good that you have not minimized/ignored your own feelings. If you stay...you will be trained to ignore your feelings and then you will learn to not have feelings-it simply won't be worth it. And that is when your self esteem is gone and you feel invisible and serious mental health problems can set in for the long haul. Serious depression.

This is why you must leave him...for your own mental health. And, well, the physical health issue of STIs as well!

Any social fallout, any public tissy fits he throws will be only a puff of smoke in a hurricane. Do not participate in it. It is not about you-it is all about him. He is only showing his own ass (again) when he takes things public. Airing dirty laundry in public-that's a reason to leave in itself.

He will use your little boy as a manipulative tool against you. Do not tolerate that for one second. Can you imagine your little boy growing up to follow in his Daddy's footsteps? I agree with above posters that this bloke will not change. Protect your son. Advocate for your son. Be pro-active for your son.

It is a tough thing to do. But your circumstances are so clear cut, you should have absolutely no problems with any kind of doubt that kicking him out is the right thing to do.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 29/01/2016 12:36

Of course he could have cheated without you knowing. Open your eyes!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 29/01/2016 12:37

x post
Call your family and friends. Tell them you are ending the relationship. They will rally around you. At least give them a chance to.

Leaneedshelp · 29/01/2016 12:40

It really will be tough but I know I have to do it. Because I keep saying the next time I find something it's over and his way with words takes over me and I give him another chance I mean he was on dating sites when I was pregnant saying him and his you know what was being neglected when that was not the case he could have intimacy anytime he just was always too tired or didn't try. He had me having ago, his mum and sister we all thought once our son was born he would grow up and Buck his ideas up but he even lied to them clearly.

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Leaneedshelp · 29/01/2016 12:42

I don't want my family to comfort me they only ever want to know when things go bad for me it's not good enough your suppose to support your family through good and bad, thick and thin they enjoy seeing me go through crap because they can swoop in and act like they care.

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summerwinterton · 29/01/2016 12:58

You most certainly do need sti testing - at best you are naive to think you don't.

Your family don't like him, why - do they know about his cheating? Or do they see how he treats you dreadfully and they refuse to tolerate him?

Leaneedshelp · 29/01/2016 13:04

I don't share our problems with the family it's none of their business and can't make judgement on him and when they have seen us together they see the loving side of him so that's not the case they just don't give him the time of the day just like me he don't fit their standards and as for an STI he doesn't go anywhere without me he goes to and from work he gets picked up and dropped off at the door so how could he possibly of done anything it is all online and porn or on his phone. but having said that I think if someone offered it he would more than likely jump at the chance.

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summerwinterton · 29/01/2016 13:37

so you think online and porn is acceptable, sending messages to others and joining dating sites is just fine is it??

Why are you still with him - he is never going to change. Seems you are defending him.

Leaneedshelp · 29/01/2016 13:41

No I'm not saying that's right I'm just saying he couldn't of met with anyone and give me an STI. What he is doing is certainly not alright so no I'm not defending him at all.

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Leaneedshelp · 29/01/2016 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summerwinterton · 29/01/2016 13:50

Because he is a liar - talk is cheap. You need to ignore what he says to you and look at the way he treats you (appallingly).

And you want to ask MN to remove your names from that post too.

Leaneedshelp · 29/01/2016 13:57

Yea so why bother writing it? Would just not say anything this is what I don't understand I gave him more than one opportunity to leave I told him it's us or that I told him if I'm not what he wants to let me go his still here if this is what he wants to do why not jump at the chance to leave. I told him I would of thought you would want to be a father a son can look up to not a shameful one.

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nauticant · 29/01/2016 13:58

I just don't understand on Facebook he write posts about ...

It's because being utterly selfish and amoral he will post any old shite on the Internet to placate you so he can carry on treating you horribly.

tiktok · 29/01/2016 14:11

OP, get MN to remove your post with the real names in, please.

Leaneedshelp · 29/01/2016 14:17

I have asked

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