in the midst of affair

[Foolishnamechanger]

Hi
Please don't flame me, firstly I know I'm a terrible person for cheating but have few rlf to talk to and feeling so depressed.
I started an affair around Xmas. We were actual in contact for quite abit before then. I would defiantly describe it as being chased. He was very aware I was married and is in the middle of a divorce himself where he was the injured party and at first said he would never be with anyone married because of this.. But then would message me everyday and be conflicting to that in what he was saying. Eventually he admited he did like me and I him and we took things further. I wasn't sure what would come out of it and in the beginning I was defo the one being chased he messaged me everyday telling me I was perfect, that he couldn't stop thinking of me etc kept asking would I want to fight it etc in short he acted like he had really fallen for me.
Then we got caught out on a lie where we'd arranged to meet by my hubbie we we realised how risky we were being and and decided to try and call it off for the sake of my marriage. Until this point there had been no talk of it it was literally just the almost getting caught then we need to stop.
I found this incredibly difficult and missed him incredibly I hoped he would contact me but he remained true to his word and didn't although I text him a few times. 2 weeks after we had split I saw him online really late and was convinced he'd found someone else I watched all night until I couldn't take anymore and asked him to tell me if he had just so I could draw a line under it and block his number but he said not, we talked for hours and met up the next day and dtd. I figured things would go back to how they were before but it's been totally different, the next day he blew me off when he had a chance to see me which we don't normally get to watch tele! And he never texts me unless I text him and doesn't really put any effort into it or just stops when I'm in the middle of a conversation. When I see him we get on really well although obviously have to act like friends majority but via text which was where he used to be lovely to me he now speaks to me like shit or makes fun of me. It's a total turnaround to how it was before. Im paranoid jeleous, I've really fallen for him but this last week I feel like shit about myself like I'm risking everything for someone who sees me as a shag when he is bored I know I'm in the wrong here being married I know this but I'm so confused I've really fallen for him now but feel I'm becomming embarrassing for the time I'm texting him and being needy etc when it's no longer reciprocated in the same way. He didn't seen the type to use me and I've known him along time (years) and know he's lovely before this happened so why the change? I don't know what to do for the best, I know I need to stop messaging him but whenever I see him (daily) I seem to get drawn back in

Hi - I know someone who has turned it around from worse than this. It is possible.

Dump the loser. He is wasting your time and energy. You have got caught up his sad mess of a life. If he was ever an 'injured party', he has more than made up for it in all the wrong directions and is spreading the misery. Stop chasing it.

You need to go to counselling now. Is your life what you want? Are you fulfilled in your work, goals? What are the good things about your life, how did you get there, what is important to you? What can you do to be where you want?

Then work with your DH - what does he want? Where does he want to be? How do you achieve this?

This man is a life-wasting pile of shit. He is messing about with you because he cannot get his own life together. Get yours together.

KrakenAwakes I love your name and for you.

The OM obviously loved the chase but now isn't bothered and probably has lost respect for you for cheating on your DH. I am not going to say leave your DH but if you aren't happy you really need counselling if you aren't going to leave. Don't contact OM again - try and take back so.e of that control.

I agree with blonde actually
But op - you need to stop mooning after this other man, and make a choice - either throw all your energies into making your marriage work, or leave him. This is probably your last chance, you are lucky to have it tbh. Work on your marriage, stop fucking about with your dh. Or leave your dh. Either way, forget the Om - it's never going to work.

Team?

Thankyou kylie, I'm sad because the person I was prepared to end my marriage for appears to have been in it for fun. Nothing short of what I should expect in terms of karma but still hurts non the less.
I'm sad because I'm not sure whether to end my marriage because it would make me happier when it's not what would be best for my child and not what dh wants and yes he knows
Given that I said I suffered with an eating disorder though the fat comment was a little below belt no?
I'm a size 10/12 if that relevant and this isn't the first time I've been chatted up or persued, it's just the first I've acted on clearly foolishly

Would it make you happier op? Do you not want to be with your dh any more? Or is it just that your marriage was lacking the excitement OM temporarily brought you?

And thanks for the other advice, I know deep down it's done with om I'm pissed with myself that I did it and fell for it to be honest it's hard to accept you would risk it all and the stuff you were told was really just shit, especially from someone considered a friend but clearly it was and your right I need to try and claim some dignity back and end all contact

I need to try and claim some dignity back and end all contact

I can't actually believe you are considering not ending contact

Draw a line, it's done now. But you can take steps to put this right- either way it involves making it up to your dh and making your marriage good again, or leaving him and giving him a chance to find happiness

I am sorry the 'fat' joke was below the belt. And you sound like a strong person going through a tough time. But whatever you do don't leave your husband you married for a reason. You can not let you child that you both love go through such a difficult and traumatic thing. If that guy treats you like shit then leave him you don't deserve that in your life it's clear to see he's had a bad impact

Cat I feel like I would be happier on my own but I don't know if that is just because I feel like well can I really love him if I'd do this? Would I regret it down the line, yes I'm sure I would but at the same time I do feel like I could be happier on my own. I just don't want to regret whatever I do but ofcourse until you do it it's almost impossible to know. The affair was the cowards way out I think of a decision being made for me

Hunpty it's not that I'm considering not to it's just I have several times now then I see him he acts nice again and I fall back into it. It's embarrassing admitting your weak and pathetic when really I know it and that it'll never be an attractive trait

You can do something like this when you really love someone. Not very often but there are situations where it happens. Once the OM is out of the picture and you start to rebuild things you will realise, whether you were blown away by the infatuation or whether things really are dead between you and your husband. But unless you are sure you don't love him then I think for your child you can try again. No more cheating though if it really doesn't work then leave.

It's not real, this thing with the OM. Cut contact and feelings will start to fade.

He chased you until you gave in and now you are making your self available he doesn't want to know. Think about it.

Thankyou cat your right, he deserves a lot better and if I try for the next few months and it doesn't work we can both say we did and at that point there wasn't anyone else involved which he deserves. I think it's hard to imagine falling for someone else though and not thinking that must be it then.

Real life isn't all hearts and flowers so that excitement of a new relationship would never last in a marriage. It's other things that are important. I hope you work it out either way.

Yes goingtobeawesone I know that's the case really, I think it was because it wasn't just that he got his way once and then turned e was just as keen and more soft to me after aswell it was me saying we should end. The shift only happened after we almost got caught but maybe that was the point he thought it's not worth it. I don't know

Kylie, I've reported your post. Given that the OP said she has an eating disorder it was especially nasty.

I agree kylie was totally out of line. I think your getting such a hard time, as many mn users have been the other party who has been cheated on and from personal experiences its horrible feeling. I think you know the answer is walking away. You need time on your own to rebuild your life and yourself.

Kylie, I've reported your post. Given that the OP said she has an eating disorder it was especially nasty.

Tbf she has apologised

Thankyou all I did accept kylies apology. It was upsetting to read but she did write me a nice post after
I can understand alot of
Posters here have been on the other end and I'm truly sorry for that. I have myself although not in marriage and I didn't take it lightly but clearly the right choice would have been walk away first

Sorry OP, but there's nothing to be confused about. He doesn't want or respect you anymore, the only question left is whether or not you end your marriage over this.

Agree with PP's that maybe your affair reminded him of his own wife leaving too, either way, the cold hard fact is no matter how you feel about him it is not reciprocated. Is there a way you could stop seeing him daily? Other posters here have been advised before to move job if that's were they see OW/OM.

You've been played. It sucks and it hurts, but you have to cut this man out of your life now.