in the midst of affair

[Foolishnamechanger]

Hi
Please don't flame me, firstly I know I'm a terrible person for cheating but have few rlf to talk to and feeling so depressed.
I started an affair around Xmas. We were actual in contact for quite abit before then. I would defiantly describe it as being chased. He was very aware I was married and is in the middle of a divorce himself where he was the injured party and at first said he would never be with anyone married because of this.. But then would message me everyday and be conflicting to that in what he was saying. Eventually he admited he did like me and I him and we took things further. I wasn't sure what would come out of it and in the beginning I was defo the one being chased he messaged me everyday telling me I was perfect, that he couldn't stop thinking of me etc kept asking would I want to fight it etc in short he acted like he had really fallen for me.
Then we got caught out on a lie where we'd arranged to meet by my hubbie we we realised how risky we were being and and decided to try and call it off for the sake of my marriage. Until this point there had been no talk of it it was literally just the almost getting caught then we need to stop.
I found this incredibly difficult and missed him incredibly I hoped he would contact me but he remained true to his word and didn't although I text him a few times. 2 weeks after we had split I saw him online really late and was convinced he'd found someone else I watched all night until I couldn't take anymore and asked him to tell me if he had just so I could draw a line under it and block his number but he said not, we talked for hours and met up the next day and dtd. I figured things would go back to how they were before but it's been totally different, the next day he blew me off when he had a chance to see me which we don't normally get to watch tele! And he never texts me unless I text him and doesn't really put any effort into it or just stops when I'm in the middle of a conversation. When I see him we get on really well although obviously have to act like friends majority but via text which was where he used to be lovely to me he now speaks to me like shit or makes fun of me. It's a total turnaround to how it was before. Im paranoid jeleous, I've really fallen for him but this last week I feel like shit about myself like I'm risking everything for someone who sees me as a shag when he is bored I know I'm in the wrong here being married I know this but I'm so confused I've really fallen for him now but feel I'm becomming embarrassing for the time I'm texting him and being needy etc when it's no longer reciprocated in the same way. He didn't seen the type to use me and I've known him along time (years) and know he's lovely before this happened so why the change? I don't know what to do for the best, I know I need to stop messaging him but whenever I see him (daily) I seem to get drawn back in

DrGoogle if it's that tedious, it's quite simple, don't bother to comment.

Well done to all those perfect people out there, who despite being in terribly unhappy marriages, don't ever falter, even the tiniest bit. Some people aren't as strong as you. The Op is in a very bad place and sometimes, when starved of affection, humans can make decisions that aren't always the best. Sad, but true.

You love your husband? Well, if you treat someone you love so terribly I would hate to be your worst enemy. Leave him and give him the chance to be with someone who doesn't fuck other people behind his back. There is no excuse, if you're unhappy sort your marriage out.

Oh and get an STD test before you consider having sex with your husband again too.

Well done to all those perfect people out there, who despite being in terribly unhappy marriages, don't ever falter, even the tiniest bit. Some people aren't as strong as you. The Op is in a very bad place and sometimes, when starved of affection, humans can make decisions that aren't always the best.

So you are blaming her DH then for OP having an affair.

WOW

I have been in the worst marriage you can possibly imagine. I did not have an affair.

The grass is greener where you water it - never heard this before. I love it! So true.

Oh please stop painting yourself as some poor vulnerable, manipulated woman. You are just as much as a cheating sleaze as he is. Do you have kids? You should be ashamed of yourself. Leave your husband. He doesn't deserve someone with low morals.

Why do you see him daily? Do you work together or are you physically chasing him yourself now?

Its clear you are chasing him as much as he chased you, you are also reading straight from the cheaters script when you say ' lack of sex, we are best friends blah blah' a friend wouldn't even treat you this way,
My husband cheated on me 6 years ago and i found out in a horrible way, I'm still getting counselling for the Post traumatic stress disorder it gave me.
Although you somehow think you are the victim here you can stop this at any time and let your husband have a wife who loves him or just set him free, its only a matter of time before you get caught and a whole world of hurt and unreliable damage will descend.

Blonde I don't think I have ever seen a thread from a male poster saying exactly the same things as the female OP and anyone defend them in the way you have.

Where has the OP said she was starved of affection as you say? All we have is that they haven't been having sex. Yet don't posters on threads where sex is an issue for someone usually say that affection doesn't have to equate to sex? It can be kisses, cuddles, being respectful and thoughtful.

Perhaps we are being harsh, but rightly, as harsh as we would to a male poster saying the same things. Because often takes blunt speaking to make someone realise just what they have done (and yes, perhaps because they were "in a bad place"). Being sympathetic to an affair and the usual "script" rarely invokes a real change.

unrepairable not unreliable

OP why are you posting? Are you asking for advice or validation of your behaviour? Genuine question.

StillDrSeth I'd say the same whether it was a man or a woman actually.

In fact, in my first marriage, I with held sex, as I no longer fancied him, and he sought affection elsewhere - and I can tell you, that I most definitely shoulder some of that blame.

I was posting as just wasn't sure what to do. It is me currently that has done the chasing these last two weeks, all me. It was him prior to that.
Honestly I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm drawn to the abuse more then the compliments how fucked up is that!
I have a child which is why I've stayed I guess and also dh does not want us to split up
Thanks about the sti comment, I know I'm doing something that is deplorable to most of you but you could ask have I made sure I was not putting his health at risk without just implying I'm a [word removed by MNHQ - we consider this term disablist]

I feel like shit about myself like I'm risking everything for someone who sees me as a shag when he is bored

You've answered your own question there and you know what to do.

Cut all contact
Grow up
Decide whether or not you actually want to be with your DH regardless of this bloke and move forward accordingly.

Your OM is so clearly taking advantage it's ridiculous and you are making yourself look desperate which wouldn't be great if you were single but is even worse given your circumstances.

OP...if you are more drawn to abuse than compliments then end the affair (which is the first step whatever) and get some counselling. It a sign that something is fundamentally flawed with your thinking.

I said she was implying I was a [word deleted by MNHQ - we consider this word to be disablist] not that she was.
I will not condone any of my behaviour but just because I have have done every conceivable bad thing going just because clearly I must be pond scum

What strikes me about your OP is that it's all concentrating on this other man there is really very little about your husband it's all about your feelings and your relationship with The other man

You need to put to bed this relationship with the other man. You know it's the wrong thing to do to cheat on husband and the other man doesn't sound like he's interested anyway.

Once you separated the two issues - the first issue being OM - this needs to be put away - you need to concentrate on the other issue which is your relationship with your husband which looks to be in a terrible state. If you doesn't want the marriage to end and you don't want the marriage to end you need to work on that marriage without thinking of other people

Why is your husband so sure that he doesn't want to split up with you ? You need to remember why you married him

OP, does your DH know the extent of this affair?

Honestly I think you'd both be better off and happier splitting up. It doesn't surprise me that the lack of sex in your marriage has given you feelings (or exacerbated feelings of) low self-esteem, but you've acted like a right plonker instead of dealing with it like an adult, by using your words.

It also sounds like if your DH didn't want to stay together, you wouldn't be that bothered. What do you think?

Moron is a disablist term however it's used. I see you're not accepting responsibility for using it. How unsurprising.

Well my opinion is that if you think so little about your husband you'd fuck someone behind his back you're probably not too concerned about his sexual health.

One of my parents had an affair, they thought we didn't know but children are not stupid and we did. It was absolutely terrible and they're still not forgiven. You have chosen to risk the happiness of your family and I have no sympathy for that at all.

I find it interesting you have posted only after the OM has stopped chasing you. I don't think you are posting because you feel guilty about the affair and want help to do the right thing. I feel you are hurt by the OM and that is the reason for your posting.

Condoms do not guarantee you won't catch an STI so even if you think you are being careful you are still putting your DH at risk.

I think the PP was right to think the OM is not enamoured with your behaviour in cheating on your DH if the same was done to him.

It's not normal to watch someone online all night, it's obsessive.

Your poor child

Another train wreck.

Hope H finds a better life without you. He deserves better.