Social Services Referral

[RaaRaaTheNoisyLittleLion]

Would you forgive your mum if she reported you to social services for neglecting your child?

My mum reported me for no reason other than her own issues masquerading as concern for DD. Given her professional position and an underlying condition I have her concerns were taken very seriously but thankfully nothing came of it. I'm still so angry I can't deal with her at all and have gone no contact. Now the rest of my family are angry at me for upsetting her and want me to apologise. I feel like I've entered the twilight zone.

The mother doesn't have to give a detailed break down of the diet! All she needs to say is the child is at risk and the mother isn't feeding her appropriate foods, mother is massively overweight etc and they have to investigate the concerns

I think you might be over estimating the esteem in which your mother is held by SS. Head of finance whilst important doesnt carry involve any child protection responsibilities. Had it been a referral from your GP, HV, dcs teacher, dentist ... then that would be different.

You sound wonderful. It is tough to break the cycle of abuse and it sounds as if youve done it. Youre also putting your childs needs first.

Pointythings - Some of the foods listed above were not available around the time the Mother was probably being brought up. Curry and lasagne and mousaka and pizzas probably were not around either. There would not be the fast food chains either around those times. I suppose I was brought up on "old fashioned foods" Some people view foreign foods as junk foods There are some items listed there that I do not eat but I would not stop anyone else eating them. I certainly would not go reporting anyone for eating different foods from me and I hope I would not be reported for not liking certain foods. It is personal taste.

I don't think the mother should have made a report. I think discussion even repeated discussion would have been better. I worry about all the NC. I am aware that bad situations are not good, equally I don't think cutting ones self off is good either.
All personal choice from my side and also OP's side as long as no-one parent or child is being harmed

Quite likely I'm still struggling to imagine the call. Is it more

• hello SS my neighbour doesn't look after her kids properly

investigate straight way

• hello my neighbour doesn't look after her kids properly

SS: What makes you say that? She feeds her junk food all the time investigate straight away

Or "hello my neighbour doesn't look after her kids properly
SS: What makes you say that?
She feeds her junk food all the time
SS: What sort of junk food?
Rice and sweetcorn
investigate straight away

You seem to be indicating SS won't even find out what the issue is or make any judgement at all on whether what's suggested in the call in actually a CP issue? They'll investigate every single call regardless?

All personal choice from my side and also OP's side as long as no-one parent or child is being harmed

I think that a grandmother making unfounded claims to SS about how her daughter (such as the OP here) is bringing up her children certainly risks causing emotional harm and mental stress to the daughter and her DC.

Bouquets there are, sadly, many situations when cutting contact is necessary. And I think the point at which someone else's behaviour brings social services into your home, you are within your rights to not see them again.

In my case I had no choice. SS, were confident I could protect my children from her but all contact with her would have to be supervised. She rejected that as ridiculous and unnecessary. We haven't seen her since.

I just cant imagine choosing to be without a parent. I don't have a parent because of death. I still find there are times when I would like to ask about something or other. Obviously that is a no contact situation but not from choice. I cant think what I would do if that parent was at the end of the street, down the motorway or other roads or available on the phone and I had a question to ask. My parent was unbelievably strict even though I was an adult and many times I moaned about the strictness but right now I would not care even at twice the strictness.
I perhaps have not had such bad experiences. I am sorry for all the bad experiences that seem to go on.

I think in situations it's not so much a case of choosing not to have a parent and more that the person has never had one in the first place.

*in these situations

Offred - It has been said before that I am far too innocent.

Maybe

I think half the battle if you have abusive parents who continue to abuse is accepting that they have never really been parents to you and relating to them as though they are is only ever going to cause you harm.

I had lots of help from my parents. They were both good to me with help for the household goods, would pay my shopping if I was at supermarket. I was never hit. High goals were hoped for from me which I did not always manage. This is why I am a bit fussy for DM now.
I married youngish and what seems to have been part of the appeal was the fact that I was not very worldly wise. It was one of DH frequent comments that I was too innocent and when health went bad there was a rush to try to teach me to survive and be sharp.

Bouquet those of us who have been brought up by good and loving parents can find it hard to imagine that it has been very otherwise for other people. My parents gave me and my sister a wonderful childhood and it wasn't until I realised that my aunt was one of those far less than wonderful parents to my cousin that I knew how lucky I was.

Pointythings - I would agree with what you have said. I thought I was hard done by with the strictness. DH was firm about things too but not in a bullying way, just expectations. Now that both important men are gone I realise that I have lost my "protectors". DM not so well and it scares me to think what might happen so now I am protective as best I can but not sure I can manage without important people.

I know everyone means well but let's not derail too much, please.

Sorry

My mother died a few years ago. I visited the day she went.

The one thing I really, seriously, genuinely regret is that I didn't go nc with her years before. The damage she left behind has lasted.

There was a lot of good in her, and a lot of people benefited a lot from knowing her. Sadly I wasn't one of them. I know she did her best. It's just her best still left damage.

I hope that this isn't derailing but a perspective that may help towards a decision.

'Yes it is absolutely correct that SS have a legal duty to investigate everything that crosses their path regarding allegations of concern regarding children'

As a designated teacher for safeguarding, I would question this statement. I regularly report concerns that they say they will not be investigating. eg a teenager who left the parent who had legal custody and moved in with the other parent- alcoholic, drug user who had been a prostitute and taken clients back to have sex in the house. House full of homeless alcoholics and drug users. Soc services take on it was child was 14 1/2 and if they removed him he would just go back. I wrote a letter to the Team Leader and to the LADO- both agreed with soc services. Never went to see him. Had had previous involvement with family and felt he was now of an age where he would do as he pleased.

I could list numerous instances like this.

If your mum has always been this crazy, then yes go NC, she sounds awful.
It sounds so deluded of her, and extreme, to contact SS like that - is she ill?
If she's ill, then maybe don't go NC.

Bouquets, my mother was open about not loving me. She intentionally sabotaged me. Something happened when I was 3 that cut the bond between us and she stopped 'mothering' me after that. She did her 'duty' and I was physically well cared for, I had no emotional care or warmth.

I haven't seen her for 4 years and i'm the happiest and most secure I've ever been. I didn't have a 'mum', I had a destabilising, negative presence that is now gone. She's not someone who ever came through for me when I was in a tough spot or having a hard time.

My dad died and my marriage broke down 6 months after I went nc and I remember thinking at the time that I was so glad she wasn't around. The only reason I was able to get through it was that she wasn't there. I have no family left except for my children. And I still wouldn't have her in my life.

Offred, everything you have said in those recent posts has been spot on.

OP, how are you feeling now? Have you spoken with her at all?

Bolt the door, do not let this woman near you or your DC.
Your child, your rules.