Social Services Referral

[RaaRaaTheNoisyLittleLion]

Would you forgive your mum if she reported you to social services for neglecting your child?

My mum reported me for no reason other than her own issues masquerading as concern for DD. Given her professional position and an underlying condition I have her concerns were taken very seriously but thankfully nothing came of it. I'm still so angry I can't deal with her at all and have gone no contact. Now the rest of my family are angry at me for upsetting her and want me to apologise. I feel like I've entered the twilight zone.

I think going NC would really do good to your and your DD's sanity. What was she like with you when you were a child? Or as she changed with old age? I am sure you don't want your DD to go through the same issues...

Go no contact with your mother and do not think twice now about doing so.

She is a toxic influence and your family of origin have simply excused and enabled her mad excesses of behaviour. They are also now acting as the "flying monkeys" to do your mother's bidding for her. They actively want you to come back into their dysfunctional fold so you can continue your assigned role within it. You therefore need to ignore all their attempts.

Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and consider posting also on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread.

SS shouldn't have taken her work for it though just because of where she works. I think it's shocking they didn't ask her to explain what exactly she thought you were doing just because she is in a position of authority through work.

I think it's shocking (though utterly believeable sadly) she is in such a position of authority.

My mum is too.

That's shocking! If your family question you I would just tell the truth, that your mum has serious food issues (evidenced by your previous weight and teeth) and has risked you having your children removed. If they question it, suggest they ask your mother what foods she finds unacceptable that you are feeding your DD. Hopefully she will out herself by saying pasta, water etc.

Your child removed sorry, blooming predictive text.

On a practical note, is this eating-junk-food thing going to rear its rotten-toothed head again at some point, or is it done and buried?

if there's a chance it might resurrect, then try recording the food / drink you give them and when. Proof that you do give good healthy food.

Your mother sounds dangerously unhinged. Her total certainty in her 'rightness' is particularly alarming.

And no, I wouldn't forgive this. I wouldn't forgive any of it.

Extraordinary that she would report you to SS for feeding your dc junk food, and yet she brought out the chocolate buttons for a baby of a few weeks old! And the list of 'junk' foods suggests the woman is suffering from delusions.

I wonder if she uses/has used your AS against you, to somehow convince you of your wrongness and her rightness, as and when she feels like it.

The nastiness and aggression of most of my family has always been dismissed as me being too sensitive. It certainly always felt that they had carte blanche to be cruel.

There is a lot said against your mum but what about SS? They are supposedly experts in ensuring children are OK. They took the referral and called to see you. They must have thought there could be something in this report.
Presumably OP and other PP would say that anyone making a report to SS should be non contact. That is a choice. However there is no mention of a DP. Would the OP not be excessively isolating herself going NC. There comes a time when each of us could need/want a family member around us and I am concerned that all the NC could do a lot of damage too.

I don't think anyone needs family like this around them. They sound completely toxic.

Contact with toxic family is probably more damaging than being without family support.

Also, SS could have thought there was something because a person in a position of power said she was concerned about the dd eating "junk food". If she was considered to be someone with professional experience with children or something, SS might not have had any reason to ask her what she defined junk food as because they take it as is. Obviously when they've spoken to OP, they've seen no issue. The problem is clearly the mother not SS.

In your shoes I would be cutting contact with the lot of them.

You sound like you had an unhappy childhood and it's testament to your determination that you have addressed these issues and turned your own life around. You don't need your family to validate you - and if they don't support you and spend their time trying to undermine you, then why continue to see them?

I probably sound very harsh but I have members of my family who I don't see. The FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) makes this very difficult to start with, but once you start to see through it, it becomes easier to make these choices. If your Mum was a friend rather than a relative, would you continue to see her?

I would cut contact but I would also consider putting in a complaint to SS about acting on something purely due to your mothers position. I'm pretty sure that if I called and explained my next door neighbour was feeding her children rice and water I wouldn't end up with her being referred. Doesn't sound as though you were treated the same as other parents.

I am married and see DH's parent a couple of times a year as they live abroad. I had been seeing my parents every week but not since this happened in November. I only see my siblings in passing at my parents or via facebook as they're not really interested. My only really regular social contact is mumsnet.

I was trying to be a bit vague so as not to out myself but I think I've already passed that point. Good job I name changed before posting! My mum doesn't have experience of children other than her own and her step children. I think they would take her more on trust initially because she is head of finance at the council.

I would find it difficult to forgive this. The definition of "junk food" your mum is using sounds completely upside down.

I'd also be pretty annoyed at the rest of the family - your mum makes a nonsense report to SS like that, and now you're in the wrong for daring to get angry about it? Bugger that. You're not the one who should be apologising here.

SS have a legal duty to investigate absolutely everything that comes their way..........

The person reporting only has to give address of child and say 'oh Julie's child is very over weight she isn't feeding her properly'

They still need to look into it, quite right too.

I'd never speak to my mother or anyone who supported her again if they did this.

Is it possible for you to move far, far away from them, I would.

I think her diet is stuck in the 1950s. She hasn't really progressed beyond bacon grill followed by tinned fruit salad with evaporated milk or angel delight. Her one compromise on her fear of foreign food is she's rather partial to a bit of black forest gateaux. That's as exotic as she'll get.

If that's true quitelikely its not followed in our LA or the neighbouring ones!

But still I think they should have asked her mum what she meant by 'junk food' otherwise how are they to know what they are meant to be investigating!

Today 21:40 QuiteLikely5

Quite likely does that mean absolutely any call? So if I call and say you need to look at Julie next door she's not looking after her kids properly that say righto, she's on the list and we'll visit? They don't even ask details of the complaint?

The definition of junk food would be different for everyone. I am not keen to supply too many fast food meals nor do I do a full roast dinner every Sunday. I am somewhere in between. I certainly find it wrong that because of the mother's position SS reacted. I think it may be as PP said - if they get a report they have to check.
I have people who were so important to me who are now gone but not through no contact. I would never have chosen to go no contact. I know that no-one is perfect. Perhaps the mother is stuck in an old and outdated food routine. There were not fast food chains at the time that she was probably a child and very few when she was a mother of a young child. I don't like fast food but that is a personal decision, kids do seem to like it. There is some evidence that fast food is not good food and perhaps from her outdated view point the mother was worried for the child. The mother should have discussed this with the young mum before kicking off with SS

Did you read the thread at all?!

Yes it is absolutely correct that SS have a legal duty to investigate everything that crosses their path regarding allegations of concern regarding children.

I'd be shocked if you know of instances where this has not be adhered to tbh

I don't know how you could know......

You don't really know what has happened after a referral or a call has been made.......the SS won't call you back to give an update

And neither might the person tell you they have been investigated

Bouquets read the full thread... OP posted this:

So to my mum 'junk food' includes rice, pasta, yogurt, sweetcorn, broccoli, any fish other than battered cod, any bean other than heinz baked, plain water, cottage cheese, any cheese other than cheddar, anything 'foreign' eg curry or stirfrys. It would be easier to list what is acceptable to her.

So her mum thinks a decent healthy diet = junk food...