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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think my marriage really is dead...

51 replies

EasyToEatTiger · 27/01/2016 11:22

My husband does things at me and not with me. This includes sex. This morning I tentatively put my hand on his shoulder, and then moved my hand back to me. He took it and put it back on his shoulder saying it felt nice for him. He has long had a habit of picking up bits of me and placing them on bits of him for his satisfaction. It makes me feel horrible and as though I have nothing to give. It has all been taken. I feel violated. There is no communication with him. If I say I don't like something, he takes it as a rejection and there is nothing further to do.

Am I in an impossible situation where we will never be able to work this out, or should I accept that it's time we parted company?

OP posts:

pictish · 27/01/2016 11:26

Oh dear. That doesn't sound good at all. I couldn't do it, I would physically recoil.

So how is he otherwise?

ImperialBlether · 27/01/2016 11:26

If he is having sex with you without your consent, then that is rape, OP. Is that what's been happening? If he is doing this, you have a number of options, but all of them should involve you getting out.

Do you have real life help?

pictish · 27/01/2016 11:33

When you say, "there is nothing further to do" what do you mean?

TheTigerIsOut · 27/01/2016 11:35

Original poster

EasyToEatTiger · 27/01/2016 11:37

No. No help in RL. It has thrown up all sorts of things from my past that make me feel especially vulnerable. I escaped from a massively dysfunctional family. I am heartbroken to find myself at the centre of another. I don't know what to think or where to turn or what to say.

OP posts:

Original poster

EasyToEatTiger · 27/01/2016 12:04

Husband has taken out a loan to rent a flat. He will use our captital to pay it off. He has form in living beyond his means. Our relationship has had its problems over the decades. Usually boiling down to me not like being poked around and then I get blamed for it and there is no communication because he has to be right all the time, and his depression which causes him to be fantastically bad tempered and vitriolic. He expects any separation to be as simple as the one from his former wife who I have always thought was pleased and relieved by his departure.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 27/01/2016 12:36

And now there'll be another wife who's pleased and relieved by his departure and probably for the same reasons.

The sooner you're financially separated from him as well, the better.

He sounds really awful, tbh.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/01/2016 12:50

Do you have kids together?
How old are they?
This sounds horrid.
Get separated and make sure you do it financially if he's has form.
Make sure you get your finances sorted. i.e. ensure he can't access all the money.
He sounds horribly abusive so a call to Womens Aid for some support would be a good move.

Goingtobeawesome · 27/01/2016 14:11

I'm so sorry you are being controlled and abused. Do you need help to stop living with, and being married to, this odious thing?

mum2mum99 · 27/01/2016 15:32

He is completely disregarding you, your needs, your consent, your boundaries so yes it is rape.
run.

Original poster

EasyToEatTiger · 27/01/2016 15:37

Yes we have 2 school age kids. The thing that shocked me was that if one of them came home and said a boy had done to her what my h does to me, I would be appalled. I think my h doesn't understand it. Not at all. And nor has he ever. Twice today he has told me that the things he has done to me are not intended as insult but he does them because it feels nice for him. I had a glimmer of insight re. the rest of his behaviour, and although there are a lot of very good things about this man, there seems to be a streak of mysogyny.

OP posts:

mum2mum99 · 27/01/2016 15:48

If someone put their hand on your private part it is a sexual act. If they don't ask for permission, it is a breach of consent. Breach of consent=rape.
Is this what is happening?

Original poster

EasyToEatTiger · 27/01/2016 16:38

Yes this has happened. It is the content of mega-rows. My take on what has happened is just plain wrong. It is not nice. He says he stops when I say so, so no penetration happens. Yes it makes me wince. And when I tell him I find this behaviour threatening, again I am in the wrong.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 27/01/2016 16:42

IN HIS OPINION you are in the wrong.

Not legally, morally or in anyone else's mind.

mum2mum99 · 27/01/2016 18:11

sexual acts don't always include penetration

Marilynsbigsister · 27/01/2016 19:29

Let's get some things straight here before we all get carried away. (And this does not mean what is happening to you is ok, OP- because it absolutely is not.) Breach of consent = rape. No it does not. No consent AND ESSENTIALLY penis in vagina = rape. However what you are experiencing, if I understand you correctly - but you are, understandably being rather oblique- is continuous sexual assault. This is crime. You can go to the police and report it. I know that's a massive step and you may not be in a place yet where you feel able to do that - but I wanted to let you know, that that is your right. You are not imagining the seriousness of this situation nor are you over dramatising. If you get a chance, please call women's aid and have a chat with someone about planning an exit route.

Original poster

EasyToEatTiger · 27/01/2016 23:16

Thank you Marlyn. We have a SAMH psychiatrist on side. I will contact her when I feel a bit calmer. Thank you all for your support.

OP posts:

mum2mum99 · 28/01/2016 22:24

Marilyn, thanks for the clarification.
Easy

Rebelwithoutapause · 28/01/2016 23:33

Or penis in anus or mouth without consent marilyn

OP I hope you are OK. This sounds really horrible, and as marilyn said, sounds like repeated sexual assault.

Can you tell us what is going on because it is really unclear?

Jux · 29/01/2016 09:52

Tiger, please call Women's Aid. They will help you, but not push you into doing anything you don't want to do or before you're ready. Call them, and be honest - don't pull your punches or minimise.

I am so sorry this is happening to you, but honestly, we will all be here for you.

Jan45 · 29/01/2016 17:04

So he sexually assaults you and thinks he is doing nothing wrong because it feels nice to him - you need to get yourself away from this man, he clearly has issues that need professional help - do it for yourself if not your kids, you are ALL in danger of him.

Original poster

EasyToEatTiger · 30/01/2016 09:52

This is going to be very, very difficult. I have been drinking far too much wine to think clearly in the morning. It is a very lonely place and I am looking at the Womens Aid website.

OP posts:

FantasticButtocks · 30/01/2016 11:00

He doesn't care how you feel. Only how he feels. Get rid.

mum2mum99 · 30/01/2016 14:15

Easy, look after yourself. And wine in moderation. The womans aid helpline gets you to actually talk to a real person.

Lilipops · 31/01/2016 21:58

I am not sure if you'll see this, but I have read all your posts and I am in a very similar situation. My husband 'uses' me when he wants to. I posted in here a while ago and everyone was very supportive and basically told me that he was/is raping me. He doesn't show me any form of affection or love or caring at any time. We don't communicate at all and as a result never row because that would mean he would have to talk to me.
There must be more to life and relationships than this. It's absolutely horrible to feel used by someone. If you would like to talk about it with me privately, it would be great for me to talk to someone too. I hope that's ok to say on here?

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