I think my marriage really is dead...

[EasyToEatTiger]

My husband does things at me and not with me. This includes sex. This morning I tentatively put my hand on his shoulder, and then moved my hand back to me. He took it and put it back on his shoulder saying it felt nice for him. He has long had a habit of picking up bits of me and placing them on bits of him for his satisfaction. It makes me feel horrible and as though I have nothing to give. It has all been taken. I feel violated. There is no communication with him. If I say I don't like something, he takes it as a rejection and there is nothing further to do.

Am I in an impossible situation where we will never be able to work this out, or should I accept that it's time we parted company?

I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation.Your husband is controlling and abusive. You need to get out. Yes it may be difficult and painful but to stay will be worse.
I'm not surprised you are drinking.Well done for acknowledging the problem. Well done for checking the woman's aid website. Please try and speak to someone there. There is help out there, and us on mumsnet are always here for you too.
Here is a hug for you. Good luck x

Thank you all for your kind words. It is a very difficult situation and it is great to hear from you that there is an alternative and that there is a future. I am getting insights into why my mother (ill advisedly) stayed with my father with catastrophic consequences. It is not easy to see the former love of your life as a predatory misogynist. I would be devastated if my dds experienced the same treatment from a boy, and I don't think the voice of a hypocryte holds much sway. In the past when I have suggested separation, I have been shouted down. There is no question that he has to be right all the time. Now that he is trying to be 'nice' to me, he is talking down at me. I am being spoken AT. Bloody nutter. I do not think his behaviour is to do with his upbringing.
My parents were awful and I was severely emotionally and physically beaten. It is a shock to realise that now my sex is being used against me. I hoped beyond hope that I had grown away from abusive men. This is very very painful for me.

I think I need to contact the shrink to understand better what would be the most sensible move in order to protect the dcs so they don't fill their mother's footsteps.

Good post Easy
You know this a cycle and you are now able to to see him for what he is you take steps to stop the cycle.
Definitely start with Womens Aid Freedom Programme.
I hope you get away from this. It must be truly exhausting.

I've just ordered a couple of the Pat Craven books. They are apparently the Freedom Programme in writing. I hate self-help books and I really don't relish the idea of self-diagnosis.

I'm sorry you're in such pain Easy. Your parents have crushed and abused you so so badly and now your husband has too. It is unspeakable.

The ONLY way to protect the dcs, is to show them what action you take if a person abuses you. You get away from that person, and stay away.

There will be no point 'suggesting' separation to this man. Or trying to agree this with him. As you've already discovered. No, you need to decide what is right for your life, and for your children's lives and take action. You do not have to stay with him just because he says so.

Yes, good idea, get help, do whatever it takes, but get out of this.

I was about to suggest the Freedom Programme, but you're ahead of me! I see you have the books, but hate self-help books so how about you enrol on the Programme itself instead? Go along weekly, and gain strength from the support you will most definitely find there.

Ring Women's Aid too. They will give you helpful advice, and support any decisions you make about what actions you want to take.

It's good to have MN behind you, and it helps lots of people, but there's no substitute for having real people in real life who know what they're talking about, standing at your shoulder.

Today he stormed out. He called me all sorts of things. I expect I called him all sorts of things too. He has said he wants to leave. I have contacted the shrink. Twice. The first time to arrange an appointment, and the second time to say he'd left and I had no idea where he was. He arrived back and is as cold as he was when he left. I feel sad sort of. I am not sure how I feel really. The elephant in the room has always been there and it has always been this Doing Things At Me. It has been taboo, and despite god knows how many relate sessioins and therapy sessions, the sex thing has remained unspoken.

My husband says I abuse him. I am ashamed to say I don't know what form of abuse I mete on him. I have not struck him, nor have I called him a cunt, and I have certainly never used him for my own sexual pleasure. I think we have different opinions of what consent actually means. He said this morning that as his wife he is entitled to have sex with me. Hmm.There was silly me thinking it helps to have some communication beforehand which involves some kind of choice.

Easy. He's wrong. Being married gives him no right to have sex with you, legally or morally.
I wanted to pick up on what you said about fixing this so your kids don't end up following in your footsteps. I told my shrink that years ago (my emotional abuse was from my mother, not my dh). And her response was "why do you not feel that you need to fix this so you can be happy?" And I genuinly had never considered that that was an option or a right that I had. But it was, and it's an option you have and deserve as well.

Everything he says is wrong and inaccurate. Abusers always accuse their victim of abuse. It's part of the script. Who knows, they might even believe it! They think not getting their own way must be abuse. Strangely, stopping you getting what you need is not abuse?? Don't know how that adds up

I told him I didn't like being used for Cooking Fucking and Cleaning. It has been a constant throughout our relationship. He does the washing up and unblocks the loo occasionally. And he washes his clothes. He will not willingly take the dogs for a walk or look after the poultry. I am not sure he knows where the hoover plugs in, and he once cleaned the shower after I begged him. I know this is painting a very grim picture of him, but these small things make for a difficult relationship. Last night I had taken the sheet off the bed. His immediate response was When am I going to put a clean one on. For him. His attitudes may have held sway in the 1950s, or even in the '60s. He takes great pride in saying he is not a misogynist.

He has no right to have sex with you, any more than he has the right to have sex with anyone else. None at all. If he has sex with you without your consent then he is a rapist.

He sounds a truly horrible man. Can you just chuck him out?

He has decided to throw himself out.

Good riddance! Let's hope he means it and stays away

Easy to eat tiger, I am glad you are starting to sound angry. Keep working on the anger because it may be that that gets you out of this crappy situation. Your husband obviously doesn't like the fact that you are standing up for yourself, hence the storming off. Well done to you.
Did you manage to speak to Women's aid , if not please keep trying. They are open 24/7.
This man is raping and abusing you. I know that is horrible to live through and horrible to acknowledge. You need to get external help to support you end this. You can do it!
If your husband walks/ has walked out, I would get the locks changed. But Women's aid will be able to give you more knowledgeable advice and help you with a plan of action.
You are not alone, and you are not the only person going through this. You can get through it, you can overcome it. You deserve better, you really do.
Hugs of support xx

He has abandoned one family already. Of course it's all my fault. I asked him what was the abuse, and he told me I clearly couldn't remember what I said. I said to him that I didn't like being used to cook, fuck and clean, and that I didn't like him rubbing himself against me for his own pleasure and that he was using me as a mastabatory tool. I think that's what he calls abuse. He calls it having a wife. But there are reasons why I curl up in a ball in bed. There are reasons why his first wife did the same thing.

Tiger, I hope he is still gone, but call WA anyway, and have a good long talk to them. If you can't get through, then call the police on 101, ask for the dv unit and talk to them. Real life help and support will keep you going.

This man is likely to be playing games with you, trying to get you off-balance and cowed, so he can assert his dominance over you again. Keep notes of everything you can; some people have used mn as a kind of diary, which can be useful as it's dated and timed. As well as getting lots of support here, obviously!

My older threads are in a forgotten age! I don't think he's deliberately malicious. I think his idea of consent belongs in a time when women were chattels. But he won't admit it. I'm going out with the dogs. Yesterday I was in shock. Poor DD is in shock. I said to her to speak to her teacher and her friends about how she feels especially if she is feeling worried. It is so blindlingly irresponsible to walk out without a hint as to where or how long for. DD2 has not made any overt concerns. She tends to internalise things. I have moved h's things out of my bedroom. I will start moving him out.

You are better off without him.

I have spent more than an hour and a half waiting on the phone for Women's Aid. Still no joy. I really don't know what's going on. Must go and do school pick-up.

My head is a mess

I've been there. A groper who thinks its ok.

It's not ok.
It's assault
If you have boys they are learning that this is acceptable
If you have girls your teaching them that this is how a man treats his woman
That's what did it for me - when my 5 year old boy copied his fathers actions

Leave - it's the right thing to do

Yes, a groper who thinks it's ok. Still no appt from psychiatrist. I am living in a kind of purgatory. Thank you all for your support. I have told a few people in RL. It's not easy.

My husband is sort of trying to be 'nice' to me. I don't think he quite understands how seriously badly he has behaved. My elder dd has been really shaken by his behaviour. It is one thing to leave me, but quite another to abandon his children. I don't think he really wants that although his behaviour suggests otherwise. I told him that my head ached all over from crying. Lots of other things surface at times like this and it's not at all nice. The dcs have been brilliant.

I am on my own at the moment and it is hell. No joy from WA, no joy from shrink. I am pleased that dcs are talking, but I don't know how to explain to them what is going on. I have written up a plan for what we can expect each other and ourselves to do, which should help. Of course my husband wants to do everything his own way. I am certainly not suggesting what I am doing is right, but at the moment my family is dysfunctional and horrible.