work colleague clique

[tomatapassata]

I'm writing this whilst feeling absolutely fed up with the group dynamics at work. I started a role in a demanding, fast paced business environment around 3 years ago now. Straight away, I was a little shocked at how closely knit and unwelcoming most of my team were. None tried to get to know me and I really had to fight to be heard or noticed. I've seen 2 others come and go and still be treated in the same way. Both have acknowledged this was happening to thme too. I've since spoken to the main boss about this who tells me he is aware and is closely monitoring the situation.

Last year, I took 9 months off to have a baby, returned and it's much the same, just as expected. Only this time, I've stopped trying with this group of people. I get on with my job, speak civilly and go home to my DS at the end of the day. I wondered why it would be worth setting myself up for failure and inadequacy. Nobody openly noticed or asked how I was on returning to work within my team. Again, just no acknowledgement of a new member of staff'a existence.

Last week however, I started feeling really lonely at work, other 'teams' seem to work more inclusively together and I'm desperate for conversation! As it is such a demanding field, there isn't much time for mixing with other teams and I work through lunch break's to get home to DS earlier. Therefore, mixing with other teams isn't an option. I decided to 'try again' with my team, but again any attempts were met with ignorance, talking over me and no attempt to involve me in conversation whatsoever. I fact they spoke about what they had collaboratively been up to at the weekend. How do I contribute to that?

I've reverted back to isolation and I just feel completely deflated and sad that it has to be this way. I don't know how else I can make my work life a more pleasant experience whilst in the presence of these people?

Other teams are aware of my team''s cliquey-Ness as are management but nobody can really do much about it. I can't change teams because my expertise are in a very defined area. Changing jobs would be problematic as there aren't many jobs in my area within my field and I'm so close to DS' nursery, it SHOULD suit my family''s needs. I'm so miserable of being this social hermit though, and aside from this I enjoy my work. What is the answer? Going to work with these people just grates on my confidence and self worth every day. I so wish we were on friendlier terms but they aren't interested.

If you are PT then they should be holding meetings on the days in which you work.

So they give you the non challenging work...how is this helping your career development?

You do have reason to go to HR just based upon the fact that meetings are held when you don't work, that you are not given challenging work and that this is discrimination in itself.

Silent treatment can be interpreted as a form of harrassment or bullying. An employer who ignores this can end up with employment claims in tribunals. It could also be seen as treating you differently because you have a young child, though it does not seem to be from what I read.

Thanks all. My team leader conducts all of my reviews etc so I never need to go above him and it's not common practice to.

However, there has been a bizarre twist of events! After only speaking out on MN a couple of days ago, there has been a complaint made by a manager about the way my team treated her during a meeting. She felt she was being bullied by them and belittled (I know factually that this was done intentionally.) Each of us have been taken into an office today to give our version of events. So I told them straight that this had been the intention of the team and told the manager. I then went back to our desk where I was left with just the team leader whilst the others were being interviewed. He told me what a load of b@//0@# it all was.
I suddenly stood up to him and told him how intimidating they were as a group and how I did not enjoy working with them myself. He was apologetic (possibly insincerely) and will obviously go talking to the others about it. But I don't care. I feel good for speaking out... no idea if things will change, but atleast I've said my peace!

That´s why, rather than just leave and jump ship so another poor, unsuspecting bugger can fill your place and suffer the same appalling behaviour towards them, you need to be the catalyst of change!

These bitches appear to be gaining quite a reputation. Hopefully it´ll be their undoing but you need to instigate a change yourself. Be proactive not passive. Well done on speaking up. Keep doing it. Why should you have to leave when you´ve done nothing wrong??

Bravo!

Well done!

Tomato, I hope this goes somewhere. At least you got your voice heard.

Good job tomato!! At my workplace this happend too. I will have to change some details as to not identify myself but roughly. I work in the headoffice of a financial institution. We have several branches around the country. In one branch a team of 3 members bullied the manager. Undermined him and belittled him. Eventually he had a breakdown and all hell broke loose. All 3 of them were places elsewhere and the clique was broken up over night.

Rooting for you OP, do stand up to these losers. Keep doing it! Now is the time to go to hr about these people as the team will already be on their radar. Be unemotional and armed with evidence. Gun for them.

As the OP has said that the clique 'spend their weekdays and weekends together as a solid unit of 4 plus husbands/wives', please can people stop assuming the clique is entirely full of 'bitches' i.e. women. Males can act cliquey too.

YANBU, OP. Well done for speaking up. Did you explain how it is for you at work to the manager?

Leelu
Males can act cliquey too

Males can be bitchy too.
In fact theres plenty of folk here on MN that will attest to men being more bitchy than women.

It's bullying by exclusion.

I was once in this situation. It was really grim. Tbh I felt 'bullied' despite being able to stand up for myself. I started to develop an anxious knot in my stomach every time I thought about work.

I stuck it out for nearly two years then left - best thing I ever did. Started my new job in the November and in the December it was my thirtieth birthday. My new team made a real fuss and bought me a lovely bottle of perfume. I could have cried.

I am sorry you're going through this. You've had some good advice here, hopefully some of it will help you xxx

Seeyou, I hear you, my DH is a bigger gossip than I am.

I don't think comments like 'So these bitches even have husbands?' refer to men, though!

refer to men, though!

you never know, Men can have Husbands too

but i think you're probably right.

Well done OP , I feel there is a change in the air. I worked in a similar environment after having my second DS. The knots in my stomach ,the feeling sick ,everything culminated in me seeing my GP , who immediately signed me off with "stress in the workplace". I regret not having stood up to these witches or for standing my ground , but after 3 months sick , I left the organisation after 25 years. Ten years later , I have a nice little p/t job nothing to do with my previous career and my work/life balance is fine. I think you are stronger than I was , and I look forward to reading a positive update from you . Good luck x

I hope this is the start of change for you, but whether it is or not, you really need to push about being given the easier work and being left out of team meetings.

Thank you all. I'm yet to find out what, if any consequence, there may be for this group of nasties. But I will be posting an update as soon as I know.
I didn't really want to point out gender roles of the group on here for identity purposes but I can confirm that they are a mix of males and females.
The males appear to load the bullets of the females,sit back and watch the show unfold from what I've seen. If it got in deep trouble, I know at least 2 members of the group who would be pointing fingers at the others. There was a brief spell where one member of the group detached herself from the rest and became more of a friend to me. She would bitch about the others, then when I left for maternity leave she rejoined the group and became really hostile with me. She has no loyalty to anyone whatsoever so I'll be interested to see what she does in the face of it.

Aahh I thought they were all female cos you mentioned previously they spend time outside of work with their husbands.....OK. Doesn´t really make a difference of course.

It´s strange, I´ve always got on better with guys cos they don´t seem to partake in all that juvenile, bitchy nonsense, they don´t form cliques and seem to rise above gossip and you can have a right laugh with them. But that´s only my experience of course.

These 4 seem to be so absorbed in one another it sounds unhealthy. Maybe they´re swingers! I´ve just never come across this type of behaviour before. Mind you, I worked mostly in a hospital setting, not an office setting. So not much time for sitting around forming cliques and gassing. How very abnormal your colleagues sound though.

What is your next course of action? Union? HR?

no, Moomin, OP said the clique 'spend their weekdays and weekends together as a solid unit of 4 plus husbands/wives'.

I'm not going to do a thing just yet. I think the 'clique' are in enough trouble due to recent events that I can watch and see what happens for a short time atleast. I'm going to lay low for a while. If it all blows over with no consequence, I shall then speak to the union.

Just a thought tomata ... might making a formal complaint to HR now actually shake things up even more? Or would it backfire? Just thinking that the timing might possibly help (or hinder).

If things do go back to the way there were, recording everything - meetings, work given, responses to suggestions, their deliberate undermining of others - will put you in a strong position.

there have been many threads on the deliberate exclusion of others topic on mn and many of us have chimed in to say we have experienced this. They are doing this deliberately and the leader of this group is enjoying your reactions. Can you wear a headset either for music or a phone and this will distract you from thinking about them all the time. I wd not leave that job as it has huge ++s for you and your family. So you need to toughen up . Can you change the position of your desk or chair so you do not need to look at them - 180 degree turn so you are sideways to them ? Actually an mner with the exact same problem asked management to give her a work space away from the bully clique and that helped her a lot. Others are well aware of this lot and bit by bit you'll make small contacts with others which will build up gradually. Hang in there,op. Nothing lasts forever and there is no predicting what can happen to any of that clique. Focus on the +ves-nursery, dh, work load and hours etc etc And stay off the topic if others try to suck you into moaning. Pretend it does not exist and them too!

just had a bath and come up with another idea,op. Give them nicknames so that when you do say anything about them to dh or friend on phone they might wonder and it might throw their game off. Watch the movie Heathers and use those names! If they see you ignoring them they'll not be too happy tho and might up their game? So throw in a little pretend sadness now and then- sob in the wc ? You can have some fun with this IMO!