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Original poster

is it possible for a mother to not love her child?

34 replies

LoveMeDo · 22/12/2006 20:10

Have name changed because I do think that there are people who know me in rl who might read this.

My parents, esp my mum, were very hard on me when I was younger. They were very critical of the things I did, nothing I did was ever good enough, and I think a lot of the reasons for my lack of self esteem are down to that. But they were always there iyswim, would have done anything for me, but as I?ve got older, I?ve often wondered whether my mum actually loves me. I know she doesn?t like me, she?s said as much, and other people have even commented that she doesn?t like me, and I wonder whether that could extend further. I know it?s possible to not like your child, but is it possible to not love them? I tell my ds I love him every day, I can?t ever remember my mum saying it.

OP posts:
Pages · 22/12/2006 20:40

Bless you, really feel for you. Like you, having children of my own and knowing the way I feel about them (would die for them) has raised similar questions about my mum and my upbringing. I think the answer is that your mum probably loved you in the only way she knew how because of her own upbringing. It probably wasn't good enough and probably fell far short of what you deserved and needed but it was probably "a kind of loving" in the only way she knew how.

whatwouldjesusdo · 22/12/2006 20:42

LMD, yes I think it is possible, for various reasons.

Not everyone has the same capability to love. My mother, for example, has a pretty low capability to love, imo, which I believe that she learned from her own mother's lack of love.

I became aware during my own marriage, that my ex husband had a higher capability of love than I did.

My mother doesnt like me either, and although she says that she loves me, I think this is because she doesnt want to admit that she doesnt love one of her children. The evidence is, that she doesnt.

merrylissiemas · 22/12/2006 20:45

i think mothers tend to blame their daughters for their own failings. my mum told me i was fat so often that i developed anorexia, how is she with your lo?

JustUsTwoTurtleDoves · 22/12/2006 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueshoes · 22/12/2006 22:06

All your stories are so sad

pantomimEdam · 22/12/2006 22:14

I don't think my stepmother loves my youngest (half) sister. Not in the way I'd define love, anyway - too selfish. But that could well be because her childhood was a nightmare, being an unloved one of six, the one who always got the blame and had to look after everyone else while her father beat seven shades of shit out of her mother (father ended up murdering her mother). So I imagine my stepmother has done the best she could. Think my sister is doing better with her own boy so it is improving, generation on generation.

Heathcliffscathy · 22/12/2006 22:18

yes. it is possible. i would go as far as to say that there are many women who find it impossible to love their children in anyway that we would recognise as love.

it is not about you.

that is the hardest thing to be able to really believe in your gut. but it was all about her stuff not yours. recognising her inability will help you to be a better and more loving mother yourself.

themoon66 · 22/12/2006 22:26

I remember worrying about not loving my DD for the first few weeks. I used to look at her in her moses basket and think 'what have I done'?

Loved her to bits after about 7 weeks though.

VPL · 22/12/2006 22:37

Sadly I think it's more common to not love your children than people think. My own sister has given her 7 year old DD up and she's now living with her father after years of being on the at risk register. She just took her to my mum's house one day, said she'd be back to collect her in the morning. Six months later she still hasn't arrived. She's seen her DD twice since then and she doesn't even know what area of the country she lives in.

There may be other reasons why a mother can fail to love her children. With my sister I think it's because she had a disturbing childhood where she learnt to cut herself off from other people's feelings to protect herself. She's completely unable to see why anyone would be shocked about her behaviour towards her DD.

That's awful Edam

BURNINGTHECANDLE · 22/12/2006 23:16

Gosh I'm in a really philosophical mood tonight but when you become a mum it is exceptionally hard work. If like myself you are a single parent another conversation then it can become relentless! I do love my DD always but there are occassions I don't like her I still love her though... but were all human! I don't pretend to be no.1. I guess I question my parents and their parenting skills but this is part of a learning process to understand myself better and why I parent or react in a certain way. At the end of the day the only person I answer to is DD children will let you know if your parenting skills aren't up to scratch but having said that all you can do is your best!!

Chandra · 22/12/2006 23:38

I really don't know, I knew two sisters who were raised by an aunt, the first one felt very much loved because her aunt had taken her in when her mother abandoned them, the second one used to say they were treated as slaves which was also true and felt very unloved and used. So I guess it also depends on the child's own expectations.

Having said that, I have a neigtbour who has openly confessed to me that she can't love one of her daughters because she is the spitting image of her ex. Sometimes I feel like calling social services... both mother and sister gang together to bully the other sister. It's really really awful, this emotional abuse is on at all times of the day

Original poster
LoveMeDo · 22/12/2006 23:46

that's a very interesting point about spending the same amount on Christmas presents. My mother spends exactly the same amount, down to everyone having the same amount to open, always thought that was strange - after all it's not a competition.

she dotes on my ds, I think she almost sees him as her child rather than mine as she never thought I could be a good mother. In fact she's told him that he has a horrible mummy (he's 3).

OP posts:
AtterySquash · 22/12/2006 23:52

I am so sorry to hear that, LMD. Do you ever say anything to her about the "horrible mummy" stuff she says to your 3yo? I think that is totally unacceptable (not that the rest of it is ok).

Do you think she feels her mum loved her.

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney · 22/12/2006 23:53

my dh doesn't feel loved by either of his parents. his dad left when he was four and he's only seen him twice since. his mum is a distinctly odd woman (appears to be just lovely to everyone else though) who i think sees herself as a 'victim' of his existence in that if he hadn't been conceived whe wouldn't have needed to marry his arsehole dad and have a difficult time. although she did later chose an even greater arsehole to marry of her own volition. tbh hers is a sad story and i tried very hard to help them get closer when i first met dh, but she is such a monumental drag and has made no effort with him (still hasn't seen dd yet) that i now can't be bothered.
being a man, though, dh is better at seeing that her behaviour is about her rather than him, so as much as it irritates him i don't think it's crushing his self-image. it's all very sad but she's an idiot, basically. he's a lovely man who'd do anything for anyone, she's the one whose missing out.

Original poster
LoveMeDo · 22/12/2006 23:56

her mother was very unaffectionate. in fact I remember my mum telling her that she could never remember being cuddled by her mother - ever.

OP posts:
VPL · 22/12/2006 23:57

Chandra - I think the 2 sisters being raised by an aunt is a really interesting example. It reminds me of me and my sister.

We both grew up the same and it was hard for both of us. I definetly do have issues with trust and guilt, but I know I love my DS and when he's not with me I can relax and enjoy myself, but part of my mind is on him ALL the time - I think that's probably what it's like for most parents.

I suppose it comes down to personality differences. We might experience the same things but we cope with them differently and learn different lessons from life.

mrssnoah · 22/12/2006 23:57

Lovemedo, I cant answer your question but in my own life have reached a comforting outcome from similar situation.

My Father treated me in the same way and it is only thru my Dh recognising that it is my Father's problem not mine that I have since accepted that I couldnt actually give a damn and have moved on.
I see him regularly and pity him for his inability to love me and smile to myself at how much he has missed.
It truly has made me a better parent.

I am concerned that your Mother has told your son such an appalling thing.
Sweetheart, you do NOT have to put up with this and must get some support straight away.
It might not be the right thing to do, but if it were me I would not allow her to be with my son if she belittled me to him.
No way Jose. This is your life and your son, you have the power to do what you choose.

Do you have brothers or sisters?

pantomimEdam · 23/12/2006 00:04

It's beyond dreadful, VPL, my (ex) stepmother had a major breakdown at one point, very nasty, esp. for my littlest sister who was about ten, I think, living on her own with stepmother (her mother) at the time. This was a long time ago though. I don't see my ex stepmother very often now but she seems to have her life sorted and to be happy. Littlest sister had a very rough childhood in patches as a result but she had two big sisters batting for her so even when it was at its worst, she always knew she was loved. Which I think (I hope) means she's a lot more together than her own mother was.

VPL · 23/12/2006 00:12

How sad Edam . It's awful how these things seem to repeat themselves. I know in my family that my dad had a bad childhood (prostitute mother and no father) and he was unable to be a father to us, but stayed in the family home causing problems, and now my sister is behaving the same way - but worse in some ways.

Glad that your little sister had people around looking out for her.

mrssnoah · 23/12/2006 00:16

Its learned behaviour isnt it?
But you CAN break that chain you know.

I hope Lovemedo realises that she can get the love she so deserves from other areas in her life.

sandcastlesforanaussiexmas · 23/12/2006 00:21

Entirely posible. Search & you will find countles threads around on this.

My mother told me she never wanted & never loved me. She wanted 2 childen of her own, not 3. As it was she was raising my dads son from a marriage before her, si she had 3 already. 4 when I came along. She really tries to make it sound like I popped out of nowhere, demanding to be loved.

I haven't spoken to her for 12/13 years now. I saw her in the post office a couple of days before I emigrated to Australia & she blenked me, looked right thru me like she didn't even know me. She knew I was leaving too. If that isn't a lack of love, I can't tell you what is.

VPL · 23/12/2006 00:23

I think you're right MrsNoah. Or in my sister and dad's case it's more that they never learnt how to love and consider anyone else's feelings. I believe you can break the cycle though, but it's probably harder than it seems.

LoveMeDo - Totally agree with MrsNoah's post of 23:57. Very good advice.

Chandra · 23/12/2006 00:26

I'm a bit philosophical tonight... so bear with me

Is love really that important to raise a well rounded child? I'm not saying that it is jnot necessary, far from it but my mother was somewhat distant but I feel I have a very good capacity for love (I'm very open about it and very physical). My MIL was very open with her expressions of love with her children, DH has turned fine and has no problems in expressing love. SIL, in the other hand, is unable to love anyone but herself and even that she finds difficult

sandcastlesforanaussiexmas · 23/12/2006 00:50

Chandra, I have a good capasity to love too, but I feel that I have gotten this from other people. I have learnt it from mistakes I made trying to feel loved, becaused the 1 person who should have loved me, didn't. Thinking people wouldn't love me unless I tried to prove I was lovable, iyswim. By spending money on them, by doing what they wanted me to do when I didn't want to. By going along with their choices all the time. By not having my own opinion.

So, yes, I do feel that love is important. It's heartbreaking when your mum doesn't love you enough to stay in hospital while you have an op under GA & then refuses to come back when you wake & are crying for her.
It's also heartbreaking when she doesn't love you enough to make some sort of effort when you are moving to the other side of the world.
It's not nice either when she decides to keep your insurance cheque as payment for bringing you up.

Tortington · 23/12/2006 01:13

not only was i loved, but i was adored as a child. giving me the great grounding for parenting i feel. however it doesn't distract form not feeling loved by your parent ( cos shes a fucking nut) as an adult. which isn;t the same at all as the disturbing stories below.