is it possible for a mother to not love her child?

[LoveMeDo]

Have name changed because I do think that there are people who know me in rl who might read this.

My parents, esp my mum, were very hard on me when I was younger. They were very critical of the things I did, nothing I did was ever good enough, and I think a lot of the reasons for my lack of self esteem are down to that. But they were always there iyswim, would have done anything for me, but as I?ve got older, I?ve often wondered whether my mum actually loves me. I know she doesn?t like me, she?s said as much, and other people have even commented that she doesn?t like me, and I wonder whether that could extend further. I know it?s possible to not like your child, but is it possible to not love them? I tell my ds I love him every day, I can?t ever remember my mum saying it.

i think my mum does love me deep down but we have a very bad relationship at times and often says she hates me and i think she does actually mean it. i know that sounds quite contradictory but i have come to the conclusion it must be possible to love and hate at the same time.

lovemedo - ds spends a lot of time solely with my mum cos i am at uni. it was always the plan that after my first year we would move out and ds would permanently live me about 2 hours away in cardiff (where i am studying.) she quite obvbiously thought i didnt mean it cos when i asked her if she would come look at flats with me she told me if i took ds to cardiff she would tell social services i couldn't copel ooking after him on my own. duno if she meant it or not but the fact she sad this quite upset me. cos i don't have the same parenting views as her she thinks i am a bad mum. eg 1. i don't sterilise - never have

1. ds is 5 months old - didn't want to give food till 6 months. had decided to give bottles when hungry even if i had to give them every 2 hours. if he was wanting them more often than every 2 hours i was prepared to have to give him some baby food and it would be home made - not jarred whic she always give him despite me telling her i am not happy with this.

1. i won't give him baby juice, porridge (he is not 6 months yet and it has gluten in it), milkybar yoghurts or wotsits.

APPARENTLY it is cruel because i won't let him have these things. oh and 4. i leave him on the floor as much as possible - she would leave him in his swing/bouncy chair all day if i let her cos "the floors not comfortable!"

Absolutely my mother also told me she never wanted me. She is now out of my life and I am so much happier. She sees my kids at least once or twice a week and that is fine as she is a reasonable Grandmother. I have tried hard with her despite all of this over the years but you get to a limit with people and I reached mine a year ago.

great post twoturtledoves! I agree having a bad mother can teach you things. I always found surrogate mothers invaluable and sought them everywhere. I now have one "mother" I have chosen and how supports me and cares for me in ways my mother couldnt possibly ever manage.

"There have been many occasions when I've longed for the mother I always wanted. When my son was born, at my wedding ,at each success and disappointment, every Christmas and Birthday...the list is endless...but I now realise that the mother I wanted and who each of us deserves, the mother who would support me and feel proud of me, just doesn't exist in reality. So I manage without her"

Have been trying for years, but couldn't put it better myself. Exactly how I feel.

"I can honestly say that my mother's taught me everything I know about successful parenting - I just do the exact opposite with my ds of everything she did with me"

Here Here!! Great post TurtleDoves

My Mum never said it either, and definitely didnt think much of me as a kid. I've come to realise however that she DOES love me (and like me now), she doesn't know how to show it. It took me a long, long time tor elaise this.

It is possible for Mum not to love her kids. My MIL is a pauline Fowler type, she has no love for her 2 sons beyond what she sees as their role of owing their lives to her. Dh went against this- ie met me- and therefore ceased to exist.

I'm really sorry you're having to face rhese questions, it must be hard. Remeber that this about your Mum, nott you: I am sure your son could do nothing to stop you loving him, and thats what constitutes a normal Mum. If your Mum is abnormal, it is not your fault.

I would seek counselling on the matter, its not an easy thing to come to terms with. And treasure your own relationships, and be glad you have the capacity for them.

But Turtle doves, I never said about people becoming more rounded persons just because they were lacking that mother love. If anything, I feel I have learned to fight my own battles alone, although that doesn't mean children of very loving mothers do not (although it doesn't mean either they will always do).

I agree about the surrogates, I think that through out my life there were many of them, and these persons made up for what I was missing at home. Actually, they made up with a difference because being a surrogate a "chosen" one, you manage to get the influence of people who may have lots of things in common with you or who you admire and respect.

And as other have said, my life became quite easier when I realised that no matter what I did she would never be happy about me. And curiously enough, the day I stoped caring about what she thought of me,the day things became better between us. Now, I think she loved me even at the worst times of it but in a way that was not positive or healthy for me. Now that I don't care... I'm safe

Lovemedo how are you ?
Hope you had a lovely Christmas.
I was thinking about this situation and the similarities to mine, over the past few days, and came to the conclusion that if the love you have to give to your Mum is unwelcomed, then your little boy is SO lucky cos you have EXTRA loving spare to give him and spoil him with!!
Aaah, lucky little boy

Iknow my little boy is utterly smothered in spare love! tee hee! x