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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

falling into an affair?

53 replies

klickitatstreet · 25/01/2016 20:47

Help, I don't know what I want to do!
I have a husband, who is nice but emotionally disengaged, and two boys of primary age who are lovely, but hard work. My life is all about getting the right people to the right place, and nagging them to do the right thing when they are there. I'm a 'good' mum, but I'm bored to death.

I also have a long term work colleague. We've always got on well, there's always been a frisson of 'what if?' Recently, that frisson has become a lot more obvious. We kissed. He is keen for it to go further, and I would be too if it weren't for the possible repercussions. I know that I shouldn't, but this genuinely feels like it is the only thing in my life that is just for me, the only care-free exciting glimpse of the fun person I used to be. It's not even that my colleague is that attractive, it's more that it's nice to be wanted!

How do I get myself out of this? And do I want to?

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 25/01/2016 20:49

You are already having an emotional affair. How about some honesty?

AnyFucker · 25/01/2016 20:51

Yeah, 'cos "falling" is how it happens

An accident like. Something out of your control.

Meh.

TheMouseThatRoared · 25/01/2016 20:52

Just because you feel bored it doesn't give you the right to fuck up your dh and kids lives. Either work on your marriage or break up and get with the guy from the office.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 25/01/2016 20:52

This isn't going to go well for you OP. You've just posted that you're having an affair on a board often full of posts about partners dealing with the fallout of affairs.

If you're not happy with your life, change it, but don't screw over your husband to do that.

00100001 · 25/01/2016 20:52

Talk to your husband

Getit · 25/01/2016 20:53

You are looking for excitement Imo
Do something positive about your marriage instead of cheating on your dh.
Have you got any idea what it's like to be cheated on. ????? Lets hope you never find out.
Stay and fix your relationship or piss off with lover boy !

pocketsaviour · 25/01/2016 20:53

You need to stop this fall before you fall vagina first onto his dick.

Cut contact with this man and speak to your husband about your unhappiness. I'm assuming you haven't mutually agreed a non-monogamous arrangement? Because that would be the mature thing to do if you want some extra sexual attention.

Cabrinha · 25/01/2016 20:53

You get yourself out of it by sending him a message, that you mean, saying "I don't want to have an affair. Please respect that and give me some space, despite my previous behaviour."

Then you keep away from him and you sort out your marriage, or you end your marriage, or - at worst - you tread water without continuing to cheat.

Because it's not excusable.

Tessabelle74 · 25/01/2016 20:54

You can't accidentally kiss someone! It's a deliberate act and it's cheating! How would you feel if this was how your husband was behaving?

magoria · 25/01/2016 20:54

Leave your H and be free to sleep with whomever you want and for him to be free to find someone to love him.

IamPoopyHead · 25/01/2016 20:54

I can't feel sorry for someone who is having an affair.
Talk to your husband and leave him if you don't want to be with him.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/01/2016 20:54

You're already having an affair. Up to you if you want to carry in cheating. I'm sure your lovely but hard work kids will understand.

PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2016 20:54

There's no innocent "falling into an affair". You had a choice whether to kiss this guy if not. You are responsible for starting or stopping an affair with him.

Being bored is a really really rubbish reason to break your marriage vows. If you're unhappy at home you need to talk to your husband or leave. Sleeping with someone else while you're married is horrible behaviour.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 25/01/2016 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItchyArmpits · 25/01/2016 20:55

Find another job, quick.

BIWI · 25/01/2016 20:55

You don't fall into an affair. You make an active choice to have one.

Don't delude yourself.

AuntieStella · 25/01/2016 20:57

Only you can decide if you 'want to'.

The move from no physical contact to first kiss is a massive boundary breached, in a relationship which already has far too high an emotional content.

There is no way you are treating your DH fairly with all your energies elsewhere. And you are also shortchanging your DC.

It's fine to outgrow a marriage and seek to end it. It's not OK to betray.

You've made all the decisions that got you to this point. Now you need to decide what you are going to do about ending your marriage or not.

One bit of further advice, start preparing your CV and researching the job market in your area.

Tomboyinatutu · 25/01/2016 20:57

You either respect your husband and forget the other person or you end your marriage then take things further with the other person.

Roseberrry · 25/01/2016 20:57

Cut him off. Don't worry about being rude just make sure he gets the message.
Next you need to take a look at life and think about what you need to make you feel happy. Talk to your DH, find a solution together, even if it means separating for a while.

Do not carry on with this affair, it will not end well.

headinhands · 25/01/2016 20:57

the only thing in my life that is just for me

There are so many other things that could tick that box without the attendant heartache and regret. Many couples have separate activities to give them that sense of individuality. How would you feel if your partner was doing the same for the same reason?

MNetter15 · 25/01/2016 20:58

You're not even attracted to this man Confused
(not that it would make an affair ok if you were attracted to him)

Work on fixing your marriage, or end it. That is all.

MrsH1989 · 25/01/2016 20:59

You definitely need to talk to your DH. If you are lacking something in your marriage then at least try to fix it before turning your childrens lives upside down.

DilysPrice · 25/01/2016 20:59

We've all done it. I once put sugar instead of salt in the potato water because I was on the phone to my mum. And then that time I nearly walked into a lamp post because I was playing Plants vs Zombies. And then that other time I accidentally slept with my boss while I wasn't paying attention....or maybe not that last one.

Joking aside, at least you've recognised the risk and taken the frankly suicidally brave step of posting. Big girl pants on, get yourself a cup of hot chocolate, and grit your teeth to read all the replies because I'm sure there'll be a lot of good if brutal advice to be found amongst the flames.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2016 21:00

Iamgine

You whole life imploding. Losing the respect of your family and friends. Not living with your kids 7 days a week.

For someone you don't even fancy.

Does that make sense to you

TrojanWhore · 25/01/2016 21:00

"just for me"

Hmm. Do you think your DH and DC would agree it was just for you when discovery day comes?

If you need a new hobby, how about knitting, bell-ringing, country dancing? Anything that isn't adultery.