My father has posted a song about his relationship with me on the internet.

[TheCunkOfPhilomena]

I was going to name change for this but sod it, I have nothing to hide.

I have posted before about my turbulent relationship with my bio-father. He left when I was 3, my brother was a baby, and he ran off with his OW leaving my DM and us homeless. He stopped paying any maintenance when I was 4 and because he was abroad my DM couldn't do anything about it.

He had us for holidays but never played the part of being a dad, he was more a Disney dad but a complete snob at the same time (my DB and I had to look and behave in a certain way when with him). His partner really doesn't like children and didn't want anything to do with us.

I was really affected by him leaving when I was a child. I used to write myself letters pretending they were from him except they were more loving and supportive. I was only 6 or 7 when I was doing this.

As I grew up contact lessened (he moved from France to the US) but I tried so hard to keep our relationship going.

I never ever felt good enough for him. Unfortunately, I have had quite severe MH problems and have had long periods of being unemployed which I know embarrasses him. When I got pregnant at the age of 33 he was not pleased at all (I was, I was in a relationship and living with my DS' dad) and he and his wife let me know how upset they were; he said he was worried about what sort of life my baby would have.

When DS was born I had a sudden realisation of just how weird my relationship with him was. I could never ever imagine treating DS the way he treated my DB and me and I wrote to him and explained this but not in a nasty way, more of a wanting to understand way. I couldn't bear not having him in my life, I know it's ridiculous but I feel I need him in my life. It was then that he cut me off. He didn't want to talk about it, he just wanted nothing more to do with me. I tried to rebuild the bridge but it didn't work.

At the weekend I discovered that he has written and recorded a song about his relationship with me and my brother. He has posted it on the internet. I cannot believe he has done this after not having contact with me for so long. I have written him emails but he hardly replies and when he does it is to say that he does not want to know me. The song he has written has hurt me so much, I don't know what to do. One of the lyrics (it is a rubbish song btw) is 'I don't miss you, I'm glad you're an ocean away'.

Part of me wants to get on a plane to see him and scream in his face, the rest of me is humiliated. This song makes it seem that he is the wronged party and it is so untrue.

My DB is so strong about all this, he just laughed at the song and said it was to be expected; I wish I could be like that, it's just hurt me so much.

If it helps, know that he is covering himself with ridicule with that song. If I came across something like it, I would think "what a pathetic and nasty individual!"

The things he says in his song say lots about him, not about you.

I know it must hurt though, and I'm sorry you're going through that. He is not a kind man, and you deserved a kind father. He'll never be one, though. So be kind to yourself, and in your own time, just accept that this is who he is; he can be no better.

Hell, what a pathetic, cold-hearted arsehole of a man.

Glad you've found your people in the stately homes thread.

He's right, though - DNA is not enough. It certainly wasn't enough to persuade him to be a real father to you. He doesn't deserve any more attention than any other random. Use his cruel, attention seeking song as the stimulus for you to get really angry with him. Let him know about it, if necessary, but not in terms of how hurt you are because, unfortunately, he's too self absorbed to care about that. He needs to know what a despicable shithead he is for the way he's treated you and your mum.

The song doesn't really say that much anyway does it if you look at it in a slightly detached way .... you live an ocean apart from him (he's in the US?), he says he is glad about that, you are related (you knew that right?!), being related is not enough (a bit vague but yes relationships take more than being biologically related to someone, again not really the greatest insight I've ever heard)

Sounds like he thinks he's some great poet with phrases like "vestigial DNA"
I remain unimpressed!

I don't normally advise this but I would go NC before he starts on your son. He will chip away at his self esteem just like he has done with yours. Little bits here and there.

He sounds like a self pitying arsehole who has got a toxic side kick to back him up. He isn't going to change. This is who he is. But you can change how you interact with him. You're now an adult and you have the power to make that choice.

I would get some counselling to help you come to terms with all this and make your own choices on where you go forward.

Thanks so much for your posts. I was so upset last weekend but am starting to calm down now. I've shown a few members of my family now and they don't really know what to say, it's so odd!

Having investigated the narc parent thing I can confirm he is a definite narc.

I'll see how I'm doing in a couple of weeks and then consider counselling as I need to get over the need to stay in contact with him. The thought of him having any influence over DS chills me.

to all of you that have experience of this. I read that having a narc parent can make you into one, I don't get it, he's made me want to be the opposite.

I guess any kind of bad parenting can have to effects - either you use that as your template for parenting and are similar yourself. Or you see quite clearly what you don't want to be and do for your own DC and quite often swing in the other direction?

Two effects!

OP... I think its the not being bothered at all that hurts doesn't it ?

FWIW..I haven't seen my father (apart from briefly at his mothers funeral where he totally ignored me) for over 40 years. He did all he could to get out of paying maintenence, including lying over his salary so it looked like my Mum earned more, so the judge let him off.

When he found out my brother and I called our Step-Dad 'Dad' he got in a huff said "well if they call him Dad, then he can be their Dad, I dont want anything to do with them"...Which is funny when you think he had never paid a penny for us, totally ignored my brother and would never take him out so SD had taken over his role. Didn't stop him dragging his heels over our adoption even though he had refused to see us for three years. He had the cheek to moan to my GM abut me being allowed to marry quite young...she never told him when I got pregnant

He was also a snob, he frequently sneered at my parents when they went on holiday to Spain saying they only ever holidayed with Kuoni... shopped in House of Fraser etc. My parents had the knack of bumping into him at Christmas on his twice yearly visit to my GM's where he would always buy her HOF chocolate gingers..GM hated them and would always give them to my Mum

I've now discovered he has a holiday home and there are glowing reports of them (he and OW now wife) becoming so welcoming to everyone and how he accompanies them on walks.. It does cross my mind he spends more time with strangers than he ever did with his kids.

I will never understand how these men just walk away without a care in the world or even an ounce of remorse...but to actively write an I dont care song is just awful