My father has posted a song about his relationship with me on the internet.

[TheCunkOfPhilomena]

I was going to name change for this but sod it, I have nothing to hide.

I have posted before about my turbulent relationship with my bio-father. He left when I was 3, my brother was a baby, and he ran off with his OW leaving my DM and us homeless. He stopped paying any maintenance when I was 4 and because he was abroad my DM couldn't do anything about it.

He had us for holidays but never played the part of being a dad, he was more a Disney dad but a complete snob at the same time (my DB and I had to look and behave in a certain way when with him). His partner really doesn't like children and didn't want anything to do with us.

I was really affected by him leaving when I was a child. I used to write myself letters pretending they were from him except they were more loving and supportive. I was only 6 or 7 when I was doing this.

As I grew up contact lessened (he moved from France to the US) but I tried so hard to keep our relationship going.

I never ever felt good enough for him. Unfortunately, I have had quite severe MH problems and have had long periods of being unemployed which I know embarrasses him. When I got pregnant at the age of 33 he was not pleased at all (I was, I was in a relationship and living with my DS' dad) and he and his wife let me know how upset they were; he said he was worried about what sort of life my baby would have.

When DS was born I had a sudden realisation of just how weird my relationship with him was. I could never ever imagine treating DS the way he treated my DB and me and I wrote to him and explained this but not in a nasty way, more of a wanting to understand way. I couldn't bear not having him in my life, I know it's ridiculous but I feel I need him in my life. It was then that he cut me off. He didn't want to talk about it, he just wanted nothing more to do with me. I tried to rebuild the bridge but it didn't work.

At the weekend I discovered that he has written and recorded a song about his relationship with me and my brother. He has posted it on the internet. I cannot believe he has done this after not having contact with me for so long. I have written him emails but he hardly replies and when he does it is to say that he does not want to know me. The song he has written has hurt me so much, I don't know what to do. One of the lyrics (it is a rubbish song btw) is 'I don't miss you, I'm glad you're an ocean away'.

Part of me wants to get on a plane to see him and scream in his face, the rest of me is humiliated. This song makes it seem that he is the wronged party and it is so untrue.

My DB is so strong about all this, he just laughed at the song and said it was to be expected; I wish I could be like that, it's just hurt me so much.

ok but could it be about himself or his parent. That he is vestigial DNA and not good enough. I think this sounds pretty tough and to really explore a professional counsellor/psychotherapist might be best. I am so scared that this might upset you more than you can handle. Best wishes.

I think for me i was so conditioned by him too, i took responsibility for everything and i look back now and think bloody hell. He really wasnt normal! Yet he is typical charming to others so not everyone sees it. Its very abusive :(

it helped to accept it was ok to feel sad too. To feel sad i didnt have a nice loving father like other people but he doesnt exist in him and never will do. But it takes time xx

he can fuck off with his crap song

Oh Honey that is an amazing idea. Don't tempt me, the way I feel atm I'm likely to do this and get into trouble!

Oh Owllady that is so shit, I'm so sorry. It's taking me a long time to see the real him, I've been reading about narc fathers since putting DS to bed and it's really enlightening. Do you have any contact with your father?

Thank you Sara, I'm pretty certain it is about me, it's quite personal. I think you have a valid point about therapy, I hope you can find some peace too, it sounds like you're having a tough time too

No, I haven't seen him for fourteen years :) it really is his loss. I'm not a bad person, I've been a good mum and have lovely children. He's missed out, I haven't. I don't miss any of his abusive games and put downs. It does get easier xxx

Aaaaah yes but when under questioning you can claim loving daughter proud of amazing dad status.

I am sorry to hear that. That is so terrible. The support you are getting on this forum must make you realise that how much people feel for you. Hope you resolve this somehow and not let it affect your life more than it has.

Owl

You sound like an amazingly strong lovely person.

I'm probably a bit unique in that my 'real' father was far too interested in getting pissed to be bothered to realise that the Courts were taking away his rights as my 'father', then, 20 years later the man that adopted me then also waived all rights and responsibility for me too. And took great pains to tell me how awful I'd been as a daughter, such hard work, blah blah blah etc, etc.

Like Owl says, its his loss.

You poor love.

That's just despicable, inhuman.

Let this be the end of his presence in your life, he just causes you pain so what is the point of him?

He's not a father.

Oh and unsubscribe

In his place subscribe yourself to some uplifting disco music and don't think about the sad old twat.

He's delusional. You're a good parent.
It must be very uncomfortable though.

What comes to mind is 'narc injury'. Look it up, see what comes up. Melanie Tonya Evans is good on this.

I'm so sorry this fake man has hurt you so much. I really hope you get some peace on this, that you get out from under it

He sounds like such a wanker. Like the wankiest, self absorbed, navel gazing fuck nugget anyone has ever had the misfortune to meet.

If this is the most interesting thing or deepest emotion he has to write about then you're well out of it. I think it's important to ask yourself what's changed; he's been a dick to you and your DB for years and all that's different here is that he's put his insults and rejection to shit, badly composed and poorly produced music.

Leave him to it and enjoy your functioning, loving relationships with your own child and partner. He's not worth your tears pet, and he won't change

I'm thinking developing your relationship with other family members particularly DBro may help you let go of your need for connection with your Father?
I think we can often slightly neglect or not see the potential for relationship with our siblings compared to our parents whereas in fact we may easily have as much or more in common with them? (especially given your experience)
Sounds like he has a good perspective/understanding of your Father which might be helpful?

He sounds like such a wanker. Like the wankiest, self absorbed, navel gazing fuck nugget anyone has ever had the misfortune to meet

This. So very much this.

He's literally the most revolting inadequate little twerp I've ever heard of.

I'm so sorry he was foisted on you OP. Far from your not being good enough for him, he's actually scraping the barrel of humanity.

And btw this reeks of revenge, somewhere his squirmy skewiff self-obsessed little mind, he's offended or angry with you.

For some reason I'm reminded of the fact that chickens always come home to roost.

Pour yourself a and reflect on the thought that if your sperm donor's little ditty gets plenty of net/airplay you may make squillions have opportunity to tell 'the story behind the song' and burst his bubble.

Alternatively, you and db could write your own song 'Happy to be an ocean away and light years ahead of the man who wasn't fit to be our father' and it could become an anthem worthy of standing alongside 'I will survive' and others which get everyone on the dance floor and serve to uplift the spirits.

What's done is done and, as we can only relive the past in our minds, we have a choice as to how often we look back instead of ahead. Your future is as bright as you want to make it and you don't have to let shadows from the past darken it.

I agree he will never get it. I certainly came to a point (with therapy) where I accepted I would never get any answers, so it was futile to even expect a normal response. He wasn't capable of one! :o Give yourself time and really do pursue counselling/psychotherapy. It really is worth it and so are you.

Thank you MrsV. I'm sorry you've had a tough time too. We are stronger and nicer than these pathetic specimens though :)

Owl

Bless you, lovely.

I quite agree re the lack of answers or a normal response. Narcs just aren't capable of it.

It is one of the hardest things to do, moving on. But so worth it !

Do yourself a favour and block him on FB. Then do yourself another favour and unsubscribe from his YouTube channel. He is self absorbed and no kind of father to you. Enjoy the good people in your life, and don't allow space for the harmers.

When I started reading your thread I assumed the song was one of regret. Staggered and shocked to read it was the opposite. He is a fucking vile arsehole who doesn't deserve to be a father and isn't in any shape or form. So sorry.

I have no personal experience but I imagine I would be like you and reach out sporadically hoping he had changed. Sadly I don't think he will and I think any further contact with him will bring you more pain.

Concentrate on your own family, take joy in being a great mum and try and accept, however hard, that your father will never be the dad you deserve.

I am so sorry to read this; as others have said, he sounds vile. I can't imagine how you are feeling.

You can do without him. You can. Having good parents is a nice thing, but it's luck. You've been unlucky (unluckier than most) but look at it its way: he has removed himself from your life, which frees you up to concentrate on those who do matter to you.

You won't have to resentfully care for him when he's old and unwell.
You need never worry about his relationships or his mental health, or is he remembering to eat, has he got the heating on.
He has left you a space to fill with something good, and something easier than him.