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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to improve my marriage and I need your help - please!

33 replies

ImMcDreamyingofawhitexmas · 22/12/2006 13:24

Just think that our communication skill aren't great, we don't argue but we nit pick and point score. Can anyone recommend any good self help books. I have been on amazon and there are so many to choose from. Thanks

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 22/12/2006 13:30

Aparantly (that word doesnt look right?) Men are from mars... that one is good, someones just recommened it to me. Dunno if it was the sort of thing you're after, im not even sure it's a self help book...

noddyholder · 22/12/2006 13:36

Men are from mars book and most of those books tbh are a rip off full of cliches.Could you set aside a couple of days a month to have a 'date'where it is just the 2 of you and you really talk.Let each of you raise one issue each time and talk them through.

tassis · 22/12/2006 13:38

the 60 minute marriage by Rob Parsons is excellent

Chandra · 22/12/2006 13:40

We have read Mens are from Mars and women are from Venus and my DH loved it as much as I hated it.

Why men don't listen & Women can't read maps make for an easy but constructive reading, but agree with Noddy that setting up a regular date may work wonders. The books by themselves won't be much help if you don't have the time to put the theory into practice.

themoon66 · 22/12/2006 14:12

Oh please don't read Men Are From Mars... Its a truely dreadful book. It just gives men an excuse to behave like children and tells women that they must put up with this 'withdrawing' behaviour by sitting back like nice little doormats until their man feels able to 'come out of his cave' and be human with them again.

themoon66 · 22/12/2006 14:13

Sorry... replace the word 'human' with the word 'adult' in my last post!

choosyfloosy · 22/12/2006 14:15

I have a great personal fondness for You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen. Some people dislike it but it's helped me a lot.

MrsBadger · 22/12/2006 14:27

I must say I found books more of a hindrance than a help - they are amusing and you will recognise yourself and DH in the anecdotes but they generalise so widely and, as mentioned below, reduce men and women to such ciphers that the advice often misses the mark.

Agree a regular 'date' is a good plan, especially as work to improve a relationship has to come from both sides.
There's nothing more counterproductive than being sat down and told 'I want to improve our marriage so you have to do x, y and z'.

Re nitpicking and pointscoring, something that really helped me was to remember that we are a team so there's no point one of us trying to 'win'.
In fact we acknowledge it is normally Us vs Rest of World and regularly attribute joint successes, even small ones (new kitchen, good party, buying nice Christmas tree etc) as a victory for Team Badger ().

This is might also be a good strategy to help either of you stop complaining to your mum/mates etc about how dreadful the other partner is (not something we suffer from but I know a lot of people do, and it can be a bit undermining).

NotQuiteCockney · 22/12/2006 14:36

Oooh, are you and Mr Badger really Team Badger irl? That sounds lovely.

Remembering you're on the same side really helps. I struggle with this, but more with DS1 than with DH .

I do have a good relationship book somewhere, but it's not really gendered, it just goes on about recognising patterns in your history and seeing how you're repeating the same mistakes (often ones your parents made), or messing up by fighting against them, iyswim ...

Rookietherednosedreindeer · 22/12/2006 14:47

Agree that the 60 minute marraige is really good.

Also (Rookiemum ducks massively at this one) I found The proper care & feeding of husbands to be useful. There is a lot of preachy bible thumping and SAHM pushing to ignore but some of the basic concepts are useful.

JackieNoHoHo · 22/12/2006 14:58

Yes, I bought the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and found it interesting and thought provoking, though I didn't agree with everything - as rookiemum says. And it does emphasise the not undermining thing that MrsBadger mentions too.

(MrsBadger - I so want your DH to own Badgers Menswear - there are a few in Oxfordshire, but I've only seen the one in Abingdon - tell me he does, please).

MrsBadger · 22/12/2006 14:59

not actually Team Badger but something much more identifiable, hence unsuitable for MN consumption (not Team Surname though, because that's PIL).

MrsBadger · 22/12/2006 15:00

Jackie - no, but he once bought a pair of shorts there!

JackieNoHoHo · 22/12/2006 15:01

Close enough.

NotQuiteCockney · 22/12/2006 15:01

I think you should propose that Team change its name to Team Badger. Because whatever the current name is, it couldn't be better than Team Badger.

DH uses Team Surname, but that's really him and the boys, not me.

Rookietherednosedreindeer · 22/12/2006 15:03

Oh and another thought, get the books out of the library not amazon that way you can get out as many as you want. Our library is fab and will order books in.

Quootiepie · 22/12/2006 15:04

lol ~ maybe I won't read men are from mars then either

tassis · 22/12/2006 15:06

Have to say that the title "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" is cracking me up (and I'm a Bible believing SAHM)

noddyholder · 22/12/2006 15:13

Even the words the proper care and feeding of husbands make my blood boil What a load of B**ks

Original poster
ImMcDreamyingofawhitexmas · 22/12/2006 15:35

Thanks ladies some wise words for me to ponder on! I have got a copy of men are from mars etc and while I can identify behaviours (we both seem to be very male and female stereotypes ) it doesn't really address the relationship problems I feel we are having.

I really like the "Team....." approach, you are right we are both supposed to be on the same side but it so often feels like we're not!

If we try and talk about it I feel DH becomes the "martyr" saying things like "well I try my best etc" and that just infuriates me even more. I want to talk about how we can change and pull together more......no productive I know but we're don't seem to be making progress!

OP posts:
DimpledThighs · 22/12/2006 15:36

I really rate the relate books (that read back a bit like some kind of rap!)

In fact after reading them we booked some sessions and I am absolutely convinced that it saved my marriage. Browse the titles {\linkwww.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_w_h_/203-8344803-9601528?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=relate\here} and choose the one that best suits.

The main thing I learned is that is one or both of you are being picking and point scoring just don't take it personally and walk away.

E.g.

last night

me (eating nuts)
him "are you going to be doing that all evening"
me (rolls eyes)
him "don't do that eye thing I can't stand the noise"
me (pushes nuts away and sighs and stands up)
him "oh god you're storming off now are you - very dramatic"
me (go to kitchen out nuts on table, return to living room- kiss dp on head "I am not storming off but I am having a bath."

Taa-Daa seasonal row averted cunningly!

DimpledThighs · 22/12/2006 15:37

sorry here

noddyholder · 22/12/2006 15:38

god how grown up dt I would have crunched the nuts louder if my dp said that I don't think this is the thread for me!

DimpledThighs · 22/12/2006 15:44

well you see he was being a bitch and now I have the moral high ground - and the next time he makes a noise....

Scootergirl · 22/12/2006 15:47

Hiya! From what you've written on another thread about him going somewhere sunny soon, I think you might find absence makes the heart grow fonder... and if not you'll have a rest from him . The reunions are lovely!

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