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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wow, just wow...

38 replies

happyanddappy · 24/01/2016 22:08

So my relationship with DH has been a bit unsteady for the last year - started when he said he changed his mind about having children (he did, I always have not - we discussed before marriage). We decided we needed to refocus, I was having the whole am-I-being-selfish-for-not-wanting-children argument in my mind again and re-examined that (and discovered mumsnet in the process!), tried to find ways to talk to him about his feelings or reconnect (still no on the children, though) - and then today he says he wants to be alone to figure things out. He doesnt feel like I do (I'm always loving towards him - he's been a bit cold - and am happy with our lives continuing the way they are - we have a nice life) and I say fine, let's figure out how to separate, if you want children you should try to have them and find happiness etc etc.

Then - by chance, just a few hours ago, I find an email he's sent to a woman saying he's done it and is feeling unsteady and sad etc - turns out he's been having an affair! I mean, I've been trying with him with the best of intentions and have been sad (and guilty) about the fact he's not happy but was willing to accept that people change and our ideas of our futures changed and it's all just a stupid AFFAIR! I mean, I've read enough of these threads to know, but I've been literally, questioning the meaning of life and trying to make him happy and make everything work and wondering what I could do and all it is is a stupid affair. Cannot believe it. What an idiot.

Rant over.

OP posts:
HooseRice · 24/01/2016 22:14

He's a prick and an idiot.

Flowers
Original poster
happyanddappy · 24/01/2016 22:19

thanks HooseRice...

really, I'm like, what just happened?

OP posts:
magoria · 24/01/2016 22:19

Thank goodness you didn't decide on a child and got stuck with a lying cheat permanently.

Sorry you are going through this.

AtSea1979 · 24/01/2016 22:22

What is your next move?

JanuaryKat · 24/01/2016 22:28

Bloody Hell! What a shit. Does he know that you know about the affair?

Hope you are OK Flowers

Corygal1 · 24/01/2016 22:28

You must be horrified, but hang on a moment: you're bloody lucky to be out of this. Otherwise you'd have been stuck with the bastard.

In three months, you'll feel better than you have done for years.

Original poster
happyanddappy · 24/01/2016 22:32

yes, well, thank god I didn't go with the kids idea - many women might of...this is, on some level, the most worrying thing. Like, was he trying to manipulate me into his narrative for a breakup so he could look like the good guy? What was he thinking - I mean, if I'd have said yes to the kids...?

AtSea -I need to separate and get a divorce. I don't know how to do all that. I don't know how to try to shut the 'why?' thoughts down. I need to live somewhere else (it's his place - he left for tonight thank god)...confused. I need to get a job (I am a painter - that artist thing doesnt work if you're single) But for sure divorce - the lying and cheating is unforgivable and I would never have done it to him and in such an underhand way.

OP posts:
hefzi · 24/01/2016 22:44

[flower] Find a solicitor tomorrow, and start things off. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but (silver lining) thank goodness you dodged a bullet over the children- you could so easily have let yourself be talked into it, in order to try to keep your marriage, and then been stitched up. Ugh - sorry, I'm sure he's a great guy, but he's been a total pig over this.

clam · 24/01/2016 22:46

What do you mean, it's "his" place? If you're married, surely you'll be entitled to half?

Original poster
happyanddappy · 24/01/2016 22:51

thanks for the advice and the lovely messages.

I live in Germany so it's his place (he bought it before we married and it's in his name). I'll have to figure out the whole German aspect of divorce I guess.

OP posts:
Marzipanface · 24/01/2016 22:58

I am sorry. You must be in complete shock. Is there anyone nearby you can go and chat to or stay with on temp basis?

LeaLeander · 24/01/2016 23:16

Thank the universe you didn't capitulate to having a child and then find out he's a cheating, lying loser. Good luck to his new woman, eh?

Sorry you are going through this OP, good riddance or not. Flowers

Themodernuriahheep · 24/01/2016 23:21

Normal advice, get all your paperwork, bank statements, mortgage, tax, credit cards, your passport and other proof of citizenship etc and copy it so that when the assets do come to be divided up you know what's on the table. It sounds as though it should be amicable but these things have their stresses. .

Poor you, so sorry, thank heavens your instincts were right, from the word go.

Humble314 · 24/01/2016 23:26

I'd say he wants to look like the good guy. "I want to be a father".

Does he know you know? Tell him you're changing your mind. Rip the rug out from under his narrative.

Original poster
happyanddappy · 24/01/2016 23:33

Yes he knows, I know - told him to leave, and he did - prob just for the night. No idea where though. Maybe with the OW - but he told me she's married with 2 kids (I met her once ages ago) and there's no future there - or so he says...

Marzipanface - I will find friends to rant at tomorrow - it's just happened so shockingly and late tonight I didnt want to bother anyone (but all you mumsnetters!)

Wow - all the financial stuff. wouldnt know where to start - will look into it. hopefully amicable.

thank you thank you

OP posts:
maddening · 24/01/2016 23:37

Keep the emails - will be useful in divorce - in his name or not you should have something from the property - prob why he has been gaslighting you about your relationship - so you go nice and easy

Original poster
happyanddappy · 24/01/2016 23:41

maddening - I think it's not relevant in germany why we're divorcing (it's nobody's fault - doesnt matter who cheats etc in divorce proceedings) but yeah, he would have liked to have me going on good terms and thinking he was a great guy.

OP posts:
HawkEyeTheNoo · 24/01/2016 23:43

Hugs, just loads of unmumsnetty hugs X

Kr1stina · 24/01/2016 23:51

I'm so sorry this has happened to you , he's treated you very badly

You sound very calm

Kirkenes · 25/01/2016 00:15

Wow indeed Sad. You must be in shock.

I hope you get lots of real life support and that everything works out for you.

sadwidow28 · 25/01/2016 00:36

He's a prick and an idiot

This is NOT a prick and idiot. It is someone who thought that his need to have children would lessen. Clearly, he didn't think that the love of the OP was only relationship he would ever need.

The OP explained that DH thought he could give up his desire to have children. OP has said that she was honest and said that she doesn't want children. The OP has tried to figure it out again ... and decided that she is sure that she doesn't want children - "still no on the children, though" - but the DH DOES want children.

It doesn't matter how may times the OP says "let's figure out how to separate, if you want children you should try to have them and find happiness". That sounds like a forced separation that is driven by the person holding all the cards.

No, your DH should not have embarked on an affair. But given that you admit that he is unhappy in a relationship without the prospect of children, and you have been "trying with him with the best of intentions and have been sad (and guilty) about the fact he's not happy".

PLEASE LET EACH OTHER GO!

You are not compatible. It isn't about the affair at the end of the day - your DH has suppressed his feelings and life's desires to be with you.

I've been literally, questioning the meaning of life and trying to make him happy and make everything work and wondering what I could do

Your DH wants children - you don't. You won't change your mind - he can't change his. Why you married each other with such a fundamental disagreement about your future life-long plans, I can't figure.

Can you both agree to separate amicably and move on?

You can continue with your life - no children. (No guilt/re-evaluation trying to make your DH happy)

Your DH can pursue a new relationship - possibility of having children.

Ginkypig · 25/01/2016 01:06

Them not being able to agree and him having an affair are different issues!

Him not getting what he wants does not give him the green light to fuck someone else. If he wasn't getting his needs met he should have had the respect for himself and op to leave her instead he betrayed her while at the same time Letting her in fact in my opinion fueling her to tear herself apart thinking she was ruining his life!

What he's done to you is a disgrace.

I say all this having been in the same situation re having/not having kids. We made a choice to stay together but if the one of us who wants children decides later that they can't be lived without then we will split so that one an be happy. No shagsomeone and make the other feel bad and make out like they'd ruined the others life!

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/01/2016 01:37

sadwidow28, you're assuming that when OP's husband said he wanted children, he was telling the truth. It's also possible that he was lying, and that what he actually wanted was for OP to be the one to end the relationship (because he didn't have the guts to say 'I want to split up').

It is not uncommon for a cowardly type who wants to end a relationship to become a PITA to their OH in order to be dumped. They prefer to play the part (to themselves, as much as to others) of the tragic dumpee rather than be the wicked dumper. They just can square dumping someone with their image of themselves - so they don't do the deed themselves, but manipulate their partner instead. Not nice, but surprisingly common.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/01/2016 01:38

just can't

Original poster
happyanddappy · 25/01/2016 02:20

sadwitch - when we married each other, we were in agreement re kids (not having them).
we were also in agreement about not sleeping with other people.
also, he's just turned up at 3 in the morning now, and crying about how we should save our marriage. I'm not sure who I married...

OP posts: