Wow, just wow...

[happyanddappy]

So my relationship with DH has been a bit unsteady for the last year - started when he said he changed his mind about having children (he did, I always have not - we discussed before marriage). We decided we needed to refocus, I was having the whole am-I-being-selfish-for-not-wanting-children argument in my mind again and re-examined that (and discovered mumsnet in the process!), tried to find ways to talk to him about his feelings or reconnect (still no on the children, though) - and then today he says he wants to be alone to figure things out. He doesnt feel like I do (I'm always loving towards him - he's been a bit cold - and am happy with our lives continuing the way they are - we have a nice life) and I say fine, let's figure out how to separate, if you want children you should try to have them and find happiness etc etc.

Then - by chance, just a few hours ago, I find an email he's sent to a woman saying he's done it and is feeling unsteady and sad etc - turns out he's been having an affair! I mean, I've been trying with him with the best of intentions and have been sad (and guilty) about the fact he's not happy but was willing to accept that people change and our ideas of our futures changed and it's all just a stupid AFFAIR! I mean, I've read enough of these threads to know, but I've been literally, questioning the meaning of life and trying to make him happy and make everything work and wondering what I could do and all it is is a stupid affair. Cannot believe it. What an idiot.

Rant over.

[Andthentherewasmum]

Sounds like the OW has panicked and given him the heave ho. His house of cards is falling down.

[Jux]

oh yes. Let's save our marriage that I shat on but now ow has kicked me away and I've nowhere to go so I want you to let me in and forget about my little peccadillo and lies and deceitful behaviour and everything 'cos I need somewhere to lay my poor sad head, oh and could you just stroke my hair for a while to help me relax a hug would be nice, how about a shag while we've got this far.......

[Jux]

Seriously, do nothing until you've checked out where you stand with a solicitor.

[FinallyHere]

Gosh, happy, what a thing you are going through. I didn't just want to read and run...

I expect that it all feels very strange for a while but things may become clearer once you get away. As others have said, i think you have dodged a bullet there. All the best.

[D0ntLookD0wn]

Is it possible it wasn't an affair and she was a confidant?

[happyanddappy]

am sure it's an affair - he admitted he slept with her once, in dec when i said I knew - I doubt it was just that once though. I dont want to think about what he's been doing - he'll never admit and I don't want to beg for details. For anyone else going through this, dance around to this:

[HawkEyeTheNoo]

Oh Happy, what you must be feeling you poor thing. Sing and dance your wee heart out!

[sadwidow28]

happyanddappy Mon 25-Jan-16 02:20:06

sadwitch

LoL That was passive aggressive OP.
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WhereYouLeftIt Mon 25-Jan-16 01:37:08

sadwidow28, you're assuming that when OP's husband said he wanted children, he was telling the truth.

Yes I am. The OP says "he did, I always have not"
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Have any of you ever had to make the decision to stay with a husband/partner and accept you will never have children? I was 32 years old when we were told that my DH could never 'father children' again. (He had 3 children from his first marriage) So little was known about male infertility in those days - and I nearly walked away. When we married we agreed to have 4 children if possible - then with ivf even 1 would have been great.

My decision (long and emotional) was to stay with DH and accept no children. But not everyone would want to do that. My DH accepted that I would probably leave our marriage so that I could become a Mum. But I married DH for better or worse - and when we couldn't have children together I finally accepted that.

Sadly, I lost DH when I was 46yrs old. Too young to be widowed, but also too old to embark on a new relationship and have the children I craved.

[Fratelli]

Sadwidow I'm really sorry for your loss as I'm sure everyone else is. However, this thread is about the op not you.

Op, sending you lots of strength, it's awful to find an affair. Sending you lots of strength. You sound like you're going to be just fine!

[SwearySwearyQuiteContrary]

You see, I'm a suspicious old hag and my initial thought, despite all your H's wanking on about wanting children, is that he wants you believing that having children is the crux of the matter. That way he looks like the injured party and you're left feeling so guilty about not wanting them enough to "save" your marriage that you give him far less of a hard time (and take fewer of his assets) in the divorce. As opposed to the far less attractive option of admitting to himself and the rest of the world that he's just another lying adulterer. Because that's what he is.

[TwoTonTessie]

That's a bit harsh fratelli
Sadwidow is just talking about her experience and perspective on this as many do on these threads.

[happyanddappy]

swearysweary - looking at it, I have the same feeling, which is why I really did a lot of work to try to find the reason behind him coming up with the children thing - I thought he was sending me a message about our marriage or his satisfaction in life rather than really being into having children. There are lots of things, looking back, that don't make sense - like, how I'm the only one who takes an interest, buys presents, plays etc with his nephews - he has no interest in them. He's not a baby or child-person, and in response to me pointing that out he said, 'yeah, but it's different with your own children, everyone says' (i know it probably is) - but there are lots of things to suggest that yes, he was just looking for excuses to justify his behavior. Also, the OW has children so maybe he was trying to find fault in me or projecting or something over that.

sadwidow - haha, didnt realise I did that with witch. apologies. i am not myself. I don't think your situation is my situation - he did cheat. Lie and cheat and betray me, instead of just leaving or being honest. It's no way to treat another human being in my book. I would have respected that he changed his mind about having children and encouraged him to pursue that if he wanted. I know it is a fundamental urge that some people feel and that it is an important thing to do if you feel that urge. I simply do not, and it would have been false and wrong of me to bring children into the world without that feeling.

[Leelu6]

Wow, I would have loved to have seen the look on his face when he realised you knew about the email with OW! Was he crestfallen at being discovered for the toerag he is?

What an utter fake-martyr-cheating prick.