straw poll

[stinkysnowbear]

Say you are in a long, happy steady relationship and get on very well with a couple of exes - and DP respects that and they also get on well.

And you have a friend who has 2 DCs but has parted from their abusive father, You support her 100% - emotionally, now and then financially, as a friend... and her life choices include (when DC are with father) sleeping with a lot of men.

How would you feel if said friend slept with someone who is both a close friend and an ex; she has also been for lunch with my other closest friend who she only knows through me this week.

stinky How did your friendship come about? I´m just wondering what you really and truly get out of this friendship cos it seems to me that she does all the taking and you do all the giving. It´s hardly balanced and equal, would you not say? It sounds like you´re her carer. Or that she´s your project ( no offence )

I realise it´s difficult if you genuinely care for this lass but if she´s responsible enough to look after her kids, a house and a job too, I´m presuming? Then why do you feel it your duty to act like a carer and bail her out time and again? Aren´t you a bit sick of the fact she seems like a car crash and shows no attempt at trying to change her ways?

I know I´d have reached my limit a long time ago. As I said, she´s a responsible adult with kids. Let her get on with it. She´s not some vulnerable teenager I assume? If I were in your position I´d be cooling off this friendship ( if not quitting altogether ) and putting my energies into my own life and friends that aren´t entirely self-absorbed and take take take all the flipping time! She sounds like a real drain tbh.

Cool, you're right yougotta.I'm not a friend at all. I will stop giving her a free home in central London, spending hours daily listening to her and trying to make things better, lending her all my money, clothes etc..

Great that you think she would be better without me. Without me she would probably be dead.

"Your ex" is not your ex.

It is up to you how you feel about it, and nobody else. If your friendships do not last that is the choice you all make independently. Independently of the past, "your" other closest friend and the money you have given her.

Chill out, and change how you feel about it or the world will change without you.

Seriously?? Why would you lend her all your money? and does she repay it?

So she and her kids live with you? What on earth does your partner think of this?

Were you joking when you said you were a Psychologist? Cos if not it sounds like you´re having issues with overlapping your job with your personal life...unless she is a former client of yours?

Sorry, not meaning to interrogate here....but talk about going the extra mile....WOW is all I can say.

I don't see him as mine but perhaps I see her as mine. They met because him and I were in a serious relationship. There is no former friendship between them and in the kindest possible way she is not picky and there were like 30 other people there. Why the hell did she have to have a one night stand with someone I used to love?

Oh.....

Cos she doesn´t respect you or even herself and she doesn´t appreciate anything you do for her? And she doesn´t know what boundaries are? Just as an outsider´s perspective...

No caring mate would do that, esp after all you´ve done for her. She is just happy to take from you. And that includes your previous partners.

She lives with her parents. When the father has her kids (10 and 8) she comes to me and doesnt leave. I adore her kids and look after them regularly when she is out with random men off tinder.

Yes I am a clinpsych. Yes I look after her too much. She was abused then groomed, I am an only child with a dead mother, we might be codependent.

^^ What Moomin said. You are seriously over-invested in this woman's life. You have put yourself in a rescuer/parent role with her. It actually sounds like you are enabling her in quite an unhealthy way.

Now if your OP had said "My adopted DD got off with one of my ex partners" then I think your feelings would be more normal.

I adore her kids and look after them regularly when she is out with random men off tinder.

Really? You're enabling her to engage in behaviour which you obviously disapprove of. I don't really understand why you'd do that.

I do everything.

My bloody amazing partner and I do all we can. I have serious mental health issues but with medication I am absolutely fine and he looks after me. I worry for her and I always look after her but I feel like I'm losing the desire to.

I really don't see what the problem is if you're over him. So you're OK with her shagging multiple men but not your ex because you used to love him?!!! Get real.

You have definately overstepped the call of duty then imo. No offence intended but I think you could do with some therapy yourself. An objective view from a professional who is not involved.

Cos I don´t think your relationship with her is normal or healthy. But maybe you see her a work in progress and that you can help her change?

I can´t believe your partner is cool with this either! Poor kids though

Not worth losing a friendship over.

I agree, I think you are not being right by your partner on both scores (ex and friend).

Fair.

But she was badly abused from a young age and her parents do not care. I had a wonderfully supportive Father (mother died when I was tiny) but no siblings.

Her kids have a seriously emotionally and physically abusive father - he was late 40s and she was 12 when they got together and then he started controlling her and hurting her. She is not a bad person, she is my darling best friend and there is nothing I would not do to keep her safe.

I look after her kids because they deserve more and I will never leave them.

she is my darling best friend and there is nothing I would not do to keep her safe

Do you not see how far outside the normal bonds of friendship that is? that is something you'd say about a child, not a best friend.

You're probably right. When we met I was with someone who used to hurt me and I was utterly broken. 8 years later she is a wreck and I want to l
ook after her.

Then in that case stinky, re your last post, this thread could run on and on....cos you are stating you have no intention of changing the dynamic btwn you and her. You seem happy in your role and she is obv happy to do all the taking without any gratitude or intention of changing either.

You are the rescuer/carer and she is the victim who´s had a hard life. I am now getting a clear picture but it is a very warped one, not to mention futile with your efforts if she is unwilling to help herself.

This thread has certainly evolved from your OP re you mate and your ex hasn´t it?

Yes, the 3 years of doctorate says I am.

This is really fucked up isn't it.

Would people mind giving advice not criticism? I have to work very hard because despite my doctorate I am borderline with severe depression and anxiety, on 200mg Sertralline a day.

You asked 'how would you feel' and then later on in the thread said you weren't jealous. There's no other reason apart from jealousy that you would be pissed off about it.

Yup.

I was broken then I got my shit together. She is now in a mess. I do not know how to both protect her and not enable her.

loveyou - it isn't jealousy, it is my best friend sleeping with yet another of my exes. If it was love I would be SO happy, but it is casual sex and for that reason I think she should not just fuck men I used to love.

Has she had therapy from someone who is not emotionally attached and invested, as you are?