straw poll

[stinkysnowbear]

Say you are in a long, happy steady relationship and get on very well with a couple of exes - and DP respects that and they also get on well.

And you have a friend who has 2 DCs but has parted from their abusive father, You support her 100% - emotionally, now and then financially, as a friend... and her life choices include (when DC are with father) sleeping with a lot of men.

How would you feel if said friend slept with someone who is both a close friend and an ex; she has also been for lunch with my other closest friend who she only knows through me this week.

[loveyoutothemoon]

So people don't fuck until they love?!?!

[MoominPie22]

One major thing I would do to help her is stop looking after her kids so she can go off shagging random men. You´re supporting her in her actions when you do that. Regardless of how much you adore her kids, stop enabling her to sleep around by babysitting on the regular.

[MoominPie22]

....also, did I read you right that her partner was in his 40s and she was 12 (!!!! ) when they got together??! I hope to God I got that bit wrong...so how old is your mate?

[Oysterbabe]

Have to agree completely with YouGottaKeepEmSeparated

[loveyoutothemoon]

Me too.

[RivieraKid]

I think it's a rule that friends shouldn't get with exes.

IMO, what two consenting adults get up to isn't your concern just because it's an ex and a friend, you don't own either of them. That's just emotional control-freakery masquerading as mutual respect. It's not respectful to insist two people you are personally invested in don't see each other because of you. It's very self-interested.

The relationship between you, OP, and this lady clearly goes well beyond healthy boundaries to begin with, without even bringing this question into it.

[MuttonCadet]

Yep, agree has it right.

[cosytoaster]

You seem very focussed on her part in this....presumably your male friend (and ex) was equally complicit. The bottom line is they are both adults and can choose who they want to sleep with. You can also choose how involved/supporting/enabling you want to be, if I were you I'd take a big step back.

[MuttonCadet]

Sorry yougotta has it right

[loveyoutothemoon]

You're either jealous because you still want your ex or you want your friend (you feel more than friendship with her).

[CheersMedea]

You're either jealous because you still want your ex

I don't think this necessarily follows (see my post previously). I don't think it's that odd to not want a man who has seen you naked and knows what you are like in bed to be discussing that or comparing you with your friend. I find the thought of that a bit creepy to be honest. As I said, I never stayed in touch with any exes but if I had and I was in that position, I'd cut them both out of my life. It's something unpleasant and almost a breach of privacy that I wouldn't want in my face.

It could be jealously but it doesn't follow automatically.

[AyeAmarok]

RivieraKid, I sort of agree. But I do think that it's just not the done thing to start seeing a friend's ex. Not because I have any sort of 'dibs' on either of them, but because of all the people in the world, I would never 'choose' to go after a friend's ex. I just wouldn't, out of respect to that friend and their former relationship.

I can honestly say I have never once done that.

Usually when relationships end there is a bit of hurt there, at the very least. I wouldn't trample all over a friend's feelings like that. I had a friend who started throwing herself at one of my exes, it was one of about 20 reasons why the scales fell from my eyes and I realised she was not a friend and stepped back from the friendship. I also watched her systematically try and work herself into the middle of all her other friends' happy relationships. Some people are just like that. It's probably insecurity.

[TheStoic]

Sleeping with a lot of men.
she sleeps with A LOT of men.
she is now sleeping with an ever increasing number of my exes.
an average of 4 different men per week
she is not picky
out with random men off tinder

I'm picking up a theme.

Why exactly don't you like her being with an Ex of yours, if you don't have any feelings for them anymore?

Are you afraid one or both parties might end up hurt? From what you say, they all seem to know where they stand.

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

Agree with yougotta

You are standing in judgement of he, her choices and her lifestyle. And do you kniw what? You can not like it, that's your perogative. But you can't demand that she behaves in a way that is more acceptable to you. She is either your friend or your charitable project.

It's absolutely none of your business who she has sex with or under what terms. None.

[Guitargirl]

As others have pointed out you are massively over invested in this woman's life.

And you don't sound very well or emotionally stable.

I know you mentioned that you are medicated but are you getting psychological support? Because you sound as though you need it.

[Guitargirl]

And I disagree with your previous post. It doesn't sound as though you have 'got your shit together' at all.

[spudlike1]

Slinky I can see how hurtful her actions feel to you , I would feel the same . However this parent/child friendship that you have with her is not healthy . You run around ' rescuing' her you ate overly invested in her life , therefore when she doesn't comply to your way of thinking / morals /life choices you get hurt and cross.
Step away from this so called friendship /mutual dependent / unhealthy dynamic get some distance .
Analyse why you

[spudlike1]

Need to rescue her all the time , you can't really change her , and your relationship is not healthy

[PitPatKitKat]

If she is always upset after she sleeps with someone and leans on you emotionally at that point, I can see why it would wear a bit thin.

If you thought that one of your exes was likely to get hurt because he wants something more and she doesn't (or vice versa), then I would also see your point.

It's not nice to see people you care about either damage themselves or be damaged.

Personally, I do prefer to keep my friendships and sexual relationships discrete. Things like how long a relationship was, how long ago it was and how painful a break up was would be factors in my thinking. But this boils down to my choices, once a relationship is over someone then it's not up to you. If someone starting deliberating targeting all my exes to the exclusion of all others I would be a bit put out.

But this sounds a bit more of a clusterfuck than that, I think there are layers and layers of tangled emotions here. I think your priority is to start gently untangling them from your end. Which will involve accepting what you can and can't control.

[Cabrinha]

Why all of your focus on her, nothing about the ex who you used to love being a bit of a shit willing to use a vulnerable woman? Don't think I'd have enough respect for him to remain friends.

Or in his case are we deciding that it's OK for him (an ex) to sleep with your friend, and she's not vulnerable and he's not a shit?

[liletsthepink]

In the nicest possible way - do you think you are well enough to be a psychologist at the moment? You admit that you have MH issues and anxiety. I think you are still very vulnerable after your abusive relationship and termination which is why you feel the need to 'rescue' your friend. I don't think you sound strong enough to do your job no matter how qualified you are.

Your friend is free to make her own choices as is your ex. If they choose to have a fling together it really shouldn't matter if they are both unattached. I think the problem lies with you wanting to protect your friend too much which has led to a codependent relationship.

[crazyhead]

I don't think you should pursue this friendship. You are being inappropriately proprietorial about your exes - I don't mean that harshly as loads of us have those feelings but we aren't entitled to them. On the other hand, i know a woman who is very sexually uncontrolled uses sex to act out her competitive feelings with friends (a lot grimmer stuff in my friends case) and the dynamic is poisonous - you just have to stay away if this is what you think is happening.