10yrs nc, reconciliation played out here live on mn?

[zizzmozz]

So, here it is, the germ of an idea. Not thought through yet, just playing with the idea. I've been estranged from my dm for at least a decade. It was always in my mind that the time would come when I walked away but when it finally happened it was unplanned. It would have come as a great shock to my dm. There was a little effort on her part to reach out initially but I rebuffed her firmly & we've had years of silence. Now, after such a long time she's made contact requesting reconciliation. I have no idea where she is coming from, whether she's had any therapy & is a changed person or whether she's exactly the same. There's a whole back-story obviously. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I've been very happy since going nc & the time has slipped by like water, I've not noticed at all. But I am at least going to consider reconciliation as this chance may not appear again. I don't want to write directly to her, or have phone calls much less meet at this point. I am wondering what you think of me setting up a thread & we meet here amongst you all to thrash it out, or not, as the case may be. This is very unusual I appreciate but if this is going to happen, it will be on my terms. MN has given me lots of support through the years & I appreciate the collective wisdom. Doing it this way would allow me to keep the whole event at arms length. I could dip in & out as I choose. I could have the collective support of other mnrs to arbitrate. It's a very unusual approach I know & she would have to 'buy into it' too - which I think she might. I can imagine a whole chorus of 'this is a nutty idea' but lets hear your responses & see...

In principle I think it's sound - getting a third party to evaluate each perspective and offer alternative views.

But you won't get that on MN. With the best will in the world MN vm can only offer so personal opinions and experiences. What you really need is counseling - Relate offer qualified family counseling.

If you really want to take advantage of this approach from your mother a third party does sound like a good idea. The safest way to do this would be with an experienced and qualified counsellor, not strangers in an online forum.

I'm not sure why you're considering contact again but 'no way' would consider counseling with her?

Well, I was abandoned by her as a young child to a paedophile & tortured for years. I was let down & hurt multiple times throughout the years. I went nc to protect my dcs.

No, no, no.

To be blunt, it's such an attention seeking thing to do. Why would you want hundreds of strangers bearing witness to what should be a personal communication between you?

If I were you I'd be asking myself why I was so keen to make it so public.

Alternatively, if you really must have an audience, Jeremy Kyle provides a nice warm stage for this exact sort of thing.

Surely there must be councillors or something you can use via an online chat? You could maybe contact a councillor to schedule yous in and ask if they'd be willing to do it in that way, at your mother's expense! You could schedule for as and when you feel up to it possibly.

Was the paedophile a family member and did she know they were?

See, with that new information. There's no way she'd be in mine or my children's lives again.
I'd just leave her in the past op, ask your GP for a referral to counselling services, and try to move forward, away from her.

Go down the Main Street and do it for a live audience. That would be an equally bad idea.

I'm sure you mean well, but I think you've overestimated people's love of interest in watching family drama play out in front of them.

Would you be expecting us to referee in some way?

If you have used mumsnet for awhile and feel 'safe' here posting issues and have had alot of good advice in the past I can kind of understand why you would wnat to do it here. However, I don't think the advice or tone of the posts would be the same as any precious helpful ones due to the nature and style of it with both of you on it.

op

Given what you have just said about your mum. Leave her out in the cold, that would be my advice. There can't be anything she can say to somehow elicit forgiveness from you, can there?

I'm sorry for what you have been through. I simply cannot imagine.

One of the reasons will be some weirdos will come on and fully support your mum which will make you feel bad and then she may use that against you in the future.

Also, you never know what crap she will come out with in front of her audience.

Counselling/ therapy can help you say what you want to say in a way in which she will hear it. It can also support you walking away. If you feel it is unfinished business, they can support you ending the relationship with your mother and feeling comfortable with that.
It sounds like that is what you want, but you aren't quite there as you are considering having contact, although you don't want contact.

You will not get that on MN, but you can if you do it properly. Protect yourself and get proper support. Not MN or Jezza Kyle play outs! Your life is not an entertainment show to play out!

Zizz, having told us a bit more about the background, I definitely don't think any good would come of the idea.

A pp suggested you using this thread to talk more about your feelings on your m's attempt at contact instead. I think that's a good idea. It's obviously a massive deal for you, must be very traumatic. This should be about you and how to help you, not a public arena for your mother to justify her actions (if I've understood it right and you'd be intending to involve her?). Don't do that to yourself, you're worth loads more than giving her that podium.

And after reading that yes - keep her out of your lives.

No good will come of it. You said it yourself, the years breezed by.

Well, thank you for your opinions, it's been good to have my eyes opened & that's what I knew I'd get from mn. Clearly I can't do what I'd imagined & it was only a thought at this stage. I don't know where I go from here but it won't be with any suggestions so far as I just don't feel comfortable with them. I think maybe because so much abusive stuff has happened to me behind closed doors I was looking for an open arena where there could be no hiding & that made me feel safer. I'll just have to leave it for now.

zizz I have never been in your shoes, so I can't possibly speculate on your thought processes, however I get that you wAnt a witness.

Have you had counselling? Perhaps that is the next step for you?

Good luck to you.

If she abandoned you to a pedo why the motherfuckinghell do you wanto get back in contact? That's beyond forgiveable and her being ripped to shreds on MN won't remedy the fact.

I don't think reconciling with hers a good idea anyway in light of what happened. I think if you have things to get off your chest and want answers you should do it through email with a partner ror husband if you have one there when you compose ans receive the emails for support. Thats what my friend done with her dad who she was nc with with her DH there and then had a whatsapp group with me and another friend that she chatted and got advice from us about it but I appreciate due to the abuse you suffered that you maybe haven't told any friends and that's fine but I'd hope you have at least one person in rl who knows and is there to support you when struggling.

if you don't want to meet, don't want phone calls, or even to talk to her, what d you want from this? A cast of 100's supporting you in making her understand what a vile human being she was? I don't think that will do a lot in the 'going forward' stakes, if that what you want to do.

Moving on with her has got to be a decision you make, and do so based on your feelings , not that of 100 MN-ers.

Its you and her.

That's truly horrific, Zizz, and my heart goes out to you.

I concur with PPs that an online meeting with your M (not DM) would not go how you'd hope.

But talk to us if you like. You've had time to heal, away from her (have you had counselling, btw?), but even the prospect of her coming back onto your life, even if only by internet chat methods, will no doubt be stirring things up for you. So be gentle on yourself, don't make any hasty decisions (not just about this, but anything, really) and put your loved ones on alert that you might need a bit of extra understanding for a while.

Well done for protecting your DC, by the way.

Bonkers, seriously

More broadly, if you feel the need to be NC with a parent for a decade then there is probably an excellent reason for that.

There is no way I'm going to a therapist with her.

There is absolutely no possibility of me meeting her until substantial bridges have been built.

I suggest then that there is no point trying to reconcile. If you want to reconcile you have to go into it with a willingness to listen and discuss matters. You've been though a terrible ordeal so these conversations will be terribly upsetting for you. I would suggest getting therapy for yourself first, if you have not done so already, before even attempting to open dialogue even by letter.

For the record I've had bucket-loads of therapy which is why I'm so cool about it all now. I've forgiven (but not forgotten) the paedo stuff. What rankled more was everything that came in the decades after.

If you want to talk things through, do so with honest friends who know you well, not a load of strangers on the internet.

Any Mumsnetter who says this would be a good idea would just be in it for the popcorn and cheap thrills.

This is such a bad idea, that it's making me worry about your boundaries and judgement. But it's understanding given your background.

There would be a pile on of different views, bunfights etc. There would be absolutely no control and you need to feel in control.

Agree with others, why bring her back in your life?

What I find odd about this thread is that you must know that the reality is that you could achieve most of what you are suggesting just by starting a thread. But you've killed that by trying to make an announcement about it and trying to make it some specific group with responsibilities to keep providing you with a sounding board/therapy/advice.