He's a semi-cocklodger, isn't he? really long. sorry.

[hereiamagain22]

Sitting here crying because I love him but I've had enough (and also I'm drunk).

I don't know where to start.

Got together 3 years ago. He had problems/baggage; so did I after one fucking awful break up from e.a ex.

He was great mostly but a very nasty drunk a lot (emotional abuse). Came to a peak last new year and I was going to dump him but we talked and he sorted himself out -mostly. Was still a cunt a handful of times in 2015, drink-related.

When things are good they are great. He suits me and accepts me and I love him and I do not doubt he loves me a lot. I just love the little coupley stuff we do all the time and how comfortable I am being myself 100% with him. But...

he's selfish in some ways. But so am I, so AIBU or what? I'm so confused. I love him but I also resent him.

On the good side - we are a great couple, in love, lots in common, I feel a real connection and we just seem to 'fit' in a way I haven't felt with anyone else. In many ways he is perfect. The cocklodger tag isnt right because he does loads of housework etc (more than me) so not a typical cocklodger. but... I think I'm being taken for a mug sometimes.

Financially - we live together. I earn 21k and he earns 26K. We rent and that and all bills are in my name because he had shit credit record. We were both financially up shit creek when we met but both now got new jobs. I still pay all the bills, all of them, apart from he will give me 50% of electric bill every quarter (all electric flat) and he usually covers car costs. We share car - it belongs to me but he uses it to commute to work as not possible by public transport. This has been the case since about a month after we met and his car died and I could then walk to work. My new job, I get bus one way and he gives me a lift the other. However, the tax was due after Xmas and he had no money so I paid it. I also bought his parents Christmas presents as he had no money. I am so fed up with this - I understand we were both in shit financial situation in past but now it's different and I resent it as I feel he does nothing but constantly ponce off me even though he earns more. I'm not one to ask for money or count every penny contribution - but I would feel embarrassed if I were him.He pays nothing towards rent, council tax, etc etc.

To be fair, we alternate cooking weeks and on his week he buys groceries and cleaning stuff. I'm sure he feels he contributes fairly. I was also also unemployed for 3 months last year and he paid all bills but by God did he moan about it.

So...about 4 months ago he suddenly said to me he'd pay me £100 a week towards all the bills if I put him on the council tax/electoral roll (he wasnt on them, he was living here 'unofficially'. Great, I thought, at last, he had a fair point not paying much as unofficial. I put him on council tax. I've not had a fucking extra penny off him, just the usual half the electric bills.

He has hobbies that cost money and I don't have any money left after paying the bills. ~He still constantly goes out drinking with mates although each time he doesn't spend a fortune it all adds up. He plays football at £13 a week. He goes to watch his local team - for example today he spent £30 on a coach to an away match plus ticket. If I say anything I'm unreasonable as they aren't exactly huge amounts and everyone should be able to do stuff like this. I agree. But then I can't do fuck-all as I use all my money to pay the bills.

It came to a head for me tonight. I could put up with all of this even though I know I'm a mug. But it's a 'big' birthday for me this year. ~He's been saying for 2 years he will take me away for my birthday. It started off as taking me abroad. then it was the Uk and I didn't mind because I'm the least materialistic person ever.

But it's only a few weeks away and I know damn well nothing has been done or saved by him. I know it. This weekend he went out last night boozing with his mates till nearly 2am. Then he went to football with the coach to away match and ticket. then we went out tonight (fairly cheaply) to see a local band for one of his mates birthdays. Towards the end of the evening he decided he wanted us to go on to the local pub (that stays open till 2amish) and I just had enough and said I wanted to go home and how can he afford it and he'd better have something left for my birthday because he's been promising to take me away for the last two years.

His response: 'Have I?' with a somewhat panicky look on his face.

I know he won't. I knew before tonight he would let me down. He could have saved £5 a week for a few months by cutting down just very very slightly and that would have done it. A night in a travelodge would have made me happt but all he cares about is playing football, watching football, and throwing beers down his fucking selfish throat. Right? And then today he's been talking about spending out to go see a show in the West End that is all what he wants to see, not me. And going on a £500 fishing fucking holiday his friend is arranging (we have never been able to afford a holiday).

I've been avoiding the whole topic of my birthday because I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. If I don't say anything he will let me down and I will be devastated because it's the one fucking thing I've expected him to pay for in years and he promised me. If I do, then I know he'll scrape up enough for a night away but pretend he was going to do it along but I know different and it just isn't the same.

He's a selfish, financially abusive cunt, isnt he. (Let's not even mention stuff like my dad died in september and he sort of acted like nothing major was happening. Let me sit at my Dads bedside by myself and watch him die,when all my siblings had their partners there to support them. And when I got home that night he was drunk and watching rugby on TV when I came in and just said 'you alright' then straight away just turned round to watch the fucking rugby again. I'm not proud of it but I went and kicked him in the shin and told him to turn the TV off. then he got very drunk and passed out snoring on the bed while I was sitting on it crying my eyes out all night on my own about my Dad. And when I told him the next morning he'd been a prick he went out in a huff for over an hour and told me he didn't know if he'd even come back. I'm ashamed to say I begged him to, and cryed over him and told him I needed him. Why should i even have to say that? He was sorry and he did then step up and give me the support I needed, but too littel too fucking late frankly, and his sorry excuse was that 'he's no good with emotions'. Even at the time I thought 'fuck you, this isn't about you' but I took what I could get.

I've made him sound like a shit. I don't think (I hope?) he doesn't do it deliberatly. He just sees the world in a selfish way. I'm so upset as this could be the best thing ever for both of us - I can't say how well we match up otherwise and we can make each other so happy and he really does have loads of good qualities as well - but he has a blind spot about how selfish he can be. Yes, he should be able to go to football and drinking with his mates. I don't have a problem with that. But it's at my fucking expense all the time. I have zero money to do anything at all for myself. I've spent every penny of my saving just keeping a roof over our heads. He just can't see it.

I feel so let down over my birthday but then I also feel it sounds like I'm spoiled brat having a hissy fit over not beingg treated for my birthday.

I don't know what my question is. I don't want us to split up. I'm not materialistic but I do have a lot of resentment that is changing how I look at him Talking about it makes no difference. He makes the right noises, agrees with me, but does nothing different. Oh jeez, I have to tell him to go, don't I. That'll break my heart.

I expect he'll talk the talk, but I doubt that you'll get a totally fair result.

He won't be able to continue his lifestyle if he's pulling his weight with you, and I can't see him giving anything up, and that includes the use of your car.

I think that this relationship has run its course

The best birthday present you could give yourself is to separate

You are unhappy

He will not change

He does not support you emotionally or financially

Save some money & book yourself a show and or a holiday

50 is a great time to start a new life

You deserve better

"There are many good things about this relationship and about him but I'm not listing them as that isn't the point"

No. There is really nothing here to list otherwise you would have mentioned this by now. You're procrastinating here at huge emotional cost to yourself. The financial stuff here is the tip of a bloody great iceberg. What about all your previous bailouts of him along with his overall lack of emotional support?. His use of your car?.

This is not a healthy relationship and never has been. I can certainly see the attractions for him but what is in this for you?. The fact that you cannot or will not answer that question is very telling.

Do you want to be in the same position at 51, 55 or 60?.

Why are you still over investing in this?.

There is nothing semi about this cocklodger!

Havent rtft but let me guess, he cant pay more towards joint bills despite earning more because he spends all his money on drink himself, right?

He doesn't respect you, he leeches of you.

Of course he's got good points, don't they all?

You're happy to take his crumbs?

He needs your car for work? Well op it will make no difference to you whatsoever whether he has a job or not because he hardly gives you anything!

Wake up........... Meant kindly

Yy to spelling it out to him. And yy to standing order. Absolutely do not get into the position where you have to ask him as it makes you into the fun police.

Don't get into the position of justifying yourself or wheedling. Say this The situation as it stands means I have been going without in order for you to live here. This is how much it costs to live here. You need to pay your share.

Open a joint account if that helps so he isn't paying the money to you but into the account that covers the bills. Otherwise the money is still coming out of your account and he can short you.

He said he'd change before though, he didn't. He still isn't contributing.

Why is this time any different? It's easy for him to say to what you want to hear.

maybe you should suggest a set up like:
A bank account, pay your 50% of the rent and bills into it, take back your car, whatever is left is yours.
He put the other 50% and get his own car and whatever is left is his.
If he refuses or doesn't keep up with the transfer then he's gone.

Personally, i'd be packing his stuff whilst he's at football.

I'm not listing the good stuff as I know how that goes on here. I don't think he farts rainbows or anything, the good stuff is the normal expectations of a relationship and not winning him huge brownie points for everyday things, or proof that I have generally too-low expectations. Believe me, the good stuff is fine and dandy and makes me happy.

The finances are not good stuff, for me. So I'm finally doing something about it.

I've got prepared for our talk. I have my spreadsheet. I'm going to tell him I'm not happy with our financial arrangements and that he needs to set up a weekly standing order for £X to me to cover his share of the expenses. And another one as a commitment towards saving every week (and I will as well) for stuff we talk about but don't take action on - buying a 2nd car, stuff we need for flat, a holiday for the two of us, building up a rainy day fund. That this will hit his disposable income but such is life. I have the spreadsheet so he can see exactly how I came to £x figure.

He needs to set up the standing orders today through his on-line banking.

If he is not receptive to this, I've had it. He can pack his bags instead.

If he is not receptive to this, I've had it. He can pack his bags instead.

Only tell him that if you truly mean it.

The finances are only one element here. His behaviour over the time your Dad passed away was truly disgusting. That side of things must be addressed to.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Have you included a payment plan for the several £100 payments he promised you and missed?

I do truly mean it.

I'm not going to present it as a choice for him - do this or else. I'm only going to talk about what needs to happen with the finances. If he actually is a good bloke but been thoughtless, he'll do it immediately to put things right.

If he doesn't, I'll know he is a selfish user and he'll be told to go.

I feel very calm and determined.

What will you do if he is drunk when he gets home?

OK, it sounds as if you have a plan - and I can understand why you want to give it a last shot.

Do not back down.

Do not bow to tears, threats, tantrums, sulking or promises to do it next week. Remember that actions speak louder than words.

You will certainly need to be both calm and determined to see this through.

However, I have a feeling you are going to yet again procrastinate. You are someone who does not like confrontation so how are you going to remain strong and determined when he is in front of you (or gazing at you with puppy dog eyes). I sincerely hope I am wrong here.

He is already adept at manipulating you to his whims; what is so different now?.

Good luck. I think he is seeing his money as 'fun money', like when you are a child and your Saturday job pays for beer, cigs and patrol while mum and dad house you and clothe you (if you are lucky, obvs.)

Basically you pay him to live with you
There are other men you know

You mention finances but he is also dreadful at emotional support.Reacting as he did when your dad died shows zero compassion.

You could be dating my ex.He really is a lovely man and makes you feel loved until he let's you down spectacularly. He could not cope with finances.He had to have a wage for himself and give 'pocket' money to the house hold.Occasionally he would make grand gestures (like the picture frame). I don't know why he's like that and after 10years I gave up trying to fix it or understand it.Resentment is awful as it changes who you are.I hated having to be the parent.

My ex was with another woman for similar amount of time but he did not change and now he's back home with his mum and still not taking responsibility.He will pay for beer and football and lottery tickets but grown up bills seem to be someone else's responsibility.He works hard but never had anything to show for it as he has skewed thinking.

You deserve better, you seem to have given him access to your car early on.I think that's something to reflect on as it points to co dependence.Did you feel the need to look after him, where you put in a position to not be able to say no? I had the exact same situation and did as you did, in the spirit of partnership, I thought but it was a red flag.

I now demand much more from a relationship and I raised the bar.Being a grown up is a prereq!

He knows that he's taking advantage of you. And he doesn't bloody-well care. He offered you 100 quid a week towards his share of household expenses and did absolutely nothing about it. He talks the talk to keep you quiet and carries on in his own sweet way. He has zero respect for you or your feelings, as his behaviour around your father's death demonstrated.

He's told you who he is, so please start listening. A showdown over money is the least of your problems here, it really is.

I very much like TreeDweller's post - Ask for advice here - we'll support you in every step of this difficult process. And don't hate yourself x

And I'm beseeching you to keep that very front of mind today as - as much as I like the clear, cool, determined head you have on this morning and your clear goals for 'the chat' - I'm another I'm afraid who thinks it's just not going to work...

That he'll either come back from football having being drinking so the conversation doesn't then happen or he'll come back sober but with a massive woo fest going on as he KNOWS you're pissed off and will want to knock it on the head as it threatens his very fucking comfy set-up

I really think the only way forward is a 50/50 split of ALL bills/costs and then both with s/o or DD's set up weekly/monthly as appropriate but ultimately netting out equally each month. And BTW, when I say equally, I mean as in bearing your own equal % of costs based on earnings, so his ACTUAL cash input will be slightly higher than yours as that - IE the % based way - is the only way in which YOU will have an equal % of your income left as your own disposable cash.

Just read that back and not sure if I've worded that properly, but basically it what every couple I know who DON'T have what I think of as normal approach to joint finances in a relationship (both bunging all cash into a joint account, all costs coming out, both able to access it so the lower-earning partner doesn't feel 'less-than' or the poor relation IYKWIM) do.

FWIW, I do think in your case you're safer with him paying his X% into your bank account given if you open a joint account with him then you are kissing your credit score down the swanee (although again, just that still rings alarm bells... the fact you can't do something that is so normal in relationships).

Bloody hell! Have just realised how long post is [I type like the clappers, but still...]

Looking forward to a positive update, as either way it will be positive - this works and you're in, or it doesn't and he's out... IF you stick to your plan above that is and don't just roll over if when he brings the obstacles out... Good luck OP

Op you say on your action plan about "buying a 2nd car" why you already have a car so why are you investing in another.
If you split up who get's the car.
You are more invested in this relationship than him.
Good points aside he's not the one for you at any time.

the thing about growing up with abusers or having been in abusive relationships is that sometimes we end up thinking that any less abuse we get is acceptable. it isn't.

I don't think he's a bad person, just a thoughtless one.

he may not be bad person...but he is also not so completely clueless that he doesn't understand things he uses need paying for and a contribution from him.
he doesn't act thoughtless when he's spending all his wages on himself - he's being extremely selfish. knowingly.

if he wants to drive your car then he needs to be held legally responsible for it. HE should be paying for its upkeep and if he can't afford it then he has to go without. A few public transport nightmares will soon make him spend his wages more wisely.
and if he decides to be a dick about things it will cost YOU. I work in a finance call centre and quite often hear from women who've been left with thousands of pounds of finance to pay because the guy has buggered off with the car and won't return it/police can't find it or can't touch him cos he's the named driver. the last call i took on the matter was from a grandparent calling to withdraw from their lease because their granddaughter had stopped paying them the monthly rental as agreed privately. she's only made one payment and they had been footing the rest to avoid falling into arrears.

you had to mother your ex and now you're in the same position again. you know the only way to deal with this is for YOU to take control, if he cared enough about you he would be proactive in working with you on this without you having to mother him. fact is he doesn't care so much. he's got a good wage he can spend all on himself, a woman who takes care of all his bills, household comforts and even his family. he also gets to swan about in a car he pays zero for.

he's treating you like a mug because you're letting him. you feel scared to have a normal conversation about adult stuff with him, and no matter what you know the only way forward is if YOU 'control' things - a position you don't want to be in, don't like being in and would not HAVE to be in if only he applied the same 'thoughtfulness' in his private life that he does to his working one.
are you sure this is the person you want to be with in the long term?

Are you ok OP? Faintly concerned at the lack of an update post the 'return from football' planned conv... the silence feels a bit ominous; a bit like either conv couldn't happen as OH was drunk, or it DID happen and it's all gone tits-up.

OP can you just let us know you're okay?