He's a semi-cocklodger, isn't he? really long. sorry.

[hereiamagain22]

Sitting here crying because I love him but I've had enough (and also I'm drunk).

I don't know where to start.

Got together 3 years ago. He had problems/baggage; so did I after one fucking awful break up from e.a ex.

He was great mostly but a very nasty drunk a lot (emotional abuse). Came to a peak last new year and I was going to dump him but we talked and he sorted himself out -mostly. Was still a cunt a handful of times in 2015, drink-related.

When things are good they are great. He suits me and accepts me and I love him and I do not doubt he loves me a lot. I just love the little coupley stuff we do all the time and how comfortable I am being myself 100% with him. But...

he's selfish in some ways. But so am I, so AIBU or what? I'm so confused. I love him but I also resent him.

On the good side - we are a great couple, in love, lots in common, I feel a real connection and we just seem to 'fit' in a way I haven't felt with anyone else. In many ways he is perfect. The cocklodger tag isnt right because he does loads of housework etc (more than me) so not a typical cocklodger. but... I think I'm being taken for a mug sometimes.

Financially - we live together. I earn 21k and he earns 26K. We rent and that and all bills are in my name because he had shit credit record. We were both financially up shit creek when we met but both now got new jobs. I still pay all the bills, all of them, apart from he will give me 50% of electric bill every quarter (all electric flat) and he usually covers car costs. We share car - it belongs to me but he uses it to commute to work as not possible by public transport. This has been the case since about a month after we met and his car died and I could then walk to work. My new job, I get bus one way and he gives me a lift the other. However, the tax was due after Xmas and he had no money so I paid it. I also bought his parents Christmas presents as he had no money. I am so fed up with this - I understand we were both in shit financial situation in past but now it's different and I resent it as I feel he does nothing but constantly ponce off me even though he earns more. I'm not one to ask for money or count every penny contribution - but I would feel embarrassed if I were him.He pays nothing towards rent, council tax, etc etc.

To be fair, we alternate cooking weeks and on his week he buys groceries and cleaning stuff. I'm sure he feels he contributes fairly. I was also also unemployed for 3 months last year and he paid all bills but by God did he moan about it.

So...about 4 months ago he suddenly said to me he'd pay me £100 a week towards all the bills if I put him on the council tax/electoral roll (he wasnt on them, he was living here 'unofficially'. Great, I thought, at last, he had a fair point not paying much as unofficial. I put him on council tax. I've not had a fucking extra penny off him, just the usual half the electric bills.

He has hobbies that cost money and I don't have any money left after paying the bills. ~He still constantly goes out drinking with mates although each time he doesn't spend a fortune it all adds up. He plays football at £13 a week. He goes to watch his local team - for example today he spent £30 on a coach to an away match plus ticket. If I say anything I'm unreasonable as they aren't exactly huge amounts and everyone should be able to do stuff like this. I agree. But then I can't do fuck-all as I use all my money to pay the bills.

It came to a head for me tonight. I could put up with all of this even though I know I'm a mug. But it's a 'big' birthday for me this year. ~He's been saying for 2 years he will take me away for my birthday. It started off as taking me abroad. then it was the Uk and I didn't mind because I'm the least materialistic person ever.

But it's only a few weeks away and I know damn well nothing has been done or saved by him. I know it. This weekend he went out last night boozing with his mates till nearly 2am. Then he went to football with the coach to away match and ticket. then we went out tonight (fairly cheaply) to see a local band for one of his mates birthdays. Towards the end of the evening he decided he wanted us to go on to the local pub (that stays open till 2amish) and I just had enough and said I wanted to go home and how can he afford it and he'd better have something left for my birthday because he's been promising to take me away for the last two years.

His response: 'Have I?' with a somewhat panicky look on his face.

I know he won't. I knew before tonight he would let me down. He could have saved £5 a week for a few months by cutting down just very very slightly and that would have done it. A night in a travelodge would have made me happt but all he cares about is playing football, watching football, and throwing beers down his fucking selfish throat. Right? And then today he's been talking about spending out to go see a show in the West End that is all what he wants to see, not me. And going on a £500 fishing fucking holiday his friend is arranging (we have never been able to afford a holiday).

I've been avoiding the whole topic of my birthday because I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. If I don't say anything he will let me down and I will be devastated because it's the one fucking thing I've expected him to pay for in years and he promised me. If I do, then I know he'll scrape up enough for a night away but pretend he was going to do it along but I know different and it just isn't the same.

He's a selfish, financially abusive cunt, isnt he. (Let's not even mention stuff like my dad died in september and he sort of acted like nothing major was happening. Let me sit at my Dads bedside by myself and watch him die,when all my siblings had their partners there to support them. And when I got home that night he was drunk and watching rugby on TV when I came in and just said 'you alright' then straight away just turned round to watch the fucking rugby again. I'm not proud of it but I went and kicked him in the shin and told him to turn the TV off. then he got very drunk and passed out snoring on the bed while I was sitting on it crying my eyes out all night on my own about my Dad. And when I told him the next morning he'd been a prick he went out in a huff for over an hour and told me he didn't know if he'd even come back. I'm ashamed to say I begged him to, and cryed over him and told him I needed him. Why should i even have to say that? He was sorry and he did then step up and give me the support I needed, but too littel too fucking late frankly, and his sorry excuse was that 'he's no good with emotions'. Even at the time I thought 'fuck you, this isn't about you' but I took what I could get.

I've made him sound like a shit. I don't think (I hope?) he doesn't do it deliberatly. He just sees the world in a selfish way. I'm so upset as this could be the best thing ever for both of us - I can't say how well we match up otherwise and we can make each other so happy and he really does have loads of good qualities as well - but he has a blind spot about how selfish he can be. Yes, he should be able to go to football and drinking with his mates. I don't have a problem with that. But it's at my fucking expense all the time. I have zero money to do anything at all for myself. I've spent every penny of my saving just keeping a roof over our heads. He just can't see it.

I feel so let down over my birthday but then I also feel it sounds like I'm spoiled brat having a hissy fit over not beingg treated for my birthday.

I don't know what my question is. I don't want us to split up. I'm not materialistic but I do have a lot of resentment that is changing how I look at him Talking about it makes no difference. He makes the right noises, agrees with me, but does nothing different. Oh jeez, I have to tell him to go, don't I. That'll break my heart.

It doesn't matter if he's a cocklodger or not.

You sound really unhappy- not being happy is enough of a reason to end a relationship.

Sorry its your 5oth? I thought you were going to say 30th or younger..... Why would you be putting up with this?
Today you need to break down the bills and set up a direct debit. I would also decide what you want to do for your birthday and book something. If you go on booking.com you can pay when you arrive.
It's time to say no more or he leaves. No one gets a free lunch.

Work out all the bills, he does a standing order to you for 50%. If he doesn't do it, chuck him out. There's no excuse for him not pulling his weight.

DH was a bit like this at first because I had a better job. But I laid it on the line and we went down the bank, got a joint account, as soon as we got paid each month our 'house' money went into that so all bills paid. We paid for our own mobiles and work travel etc. Also DH pays for something for the house each month and so do I. We now also put set amounts into savings. DH was like your bloke, not bad just really thoughtless but once it was all done so he couldn't get out of it he settled down nicely. He also had a bit of a beer issue but has calmed down a lot and now just generally likes a glass of wine or 2 (as do I!).

The trick is to sort out the money so he doesn't actually get his hands on the cash for the bills and house to start then anything he has left is to cover what he wants to do. And get him to put into a savings account by standing order each month (and you too) and then you can both have a nice holiday. Present it to him as win/win. The housework thing sounds like he's on the right page with that anyway!

If he doesn't shape up or refuses - well it might be better to get rid, you're still young enough to move on!

Why does he not have any money if he only pays out for half an electricity bill?

From what you have written, he does not respect you or consider you at all. This is not something that you can "demand" from someone, it is just ingrained into them if they are a decent person.

I know that if I was reaching your special birthday age, I would be evaluating exactly where I was heading. You have got to make a decision of staying with him and being second best or by going it alone.

Again at the age you both are, he is not going to change and really it would be wrong to try and change him because this is who he is. If that persona makes you unhappy then you need to end your relationship. If you are happy and think you can cope with being second best, no money etc then I wish you every happiness together but please accept that is how it will be and don't keep coming back on here every few months moaning about him as he won't change

50?!

Fucking hell love, I was reading and thinking it was going to be your 30th! This is the kind of shit that you really don't have to put up with. Let's be right: Just because he is not as much of an arsehole as your other Exes, doesn't mean he's not an arsehole.

Find your spine and your big girls pants and ditch him. You can take the car away from him - if he needs it for work then he needs to sort that himself. It's not beyond his financial means as he is earning more than you are!

This is only happening because you are allowing it - and I am not saying that to try and make you feel like it's your fault that things the are the way they are. Only to try and illustrate that you actually have the power to change things.

You are shying away from confrontation. You don't want to upset him. When things are good you are happy and you want to try and get that feeling back. He's capitalising on all of this and any time you try and re-set the balance of power, he knows that all he has to do is strop off for a couple of hours in a sulk and you come straight back to heel. Pretty effective, no?

if hes getting £1700ish a month, or £5100 a quarter and he only pays half the electric?
even if half the electricity was £1000 thats still £4000 he has to himself every 3 months?

£4000 every 3 months and yet he's penniless? really? so what is he doing with all his money?

OP, i don't know where you live with this child but the you can usually find some nice hills to the north, please run there immediately.

I agree with PP. he's a shit. The way he behaved over your dad's death alone makes him worthy of no more of your time, what a revolting pig.

You said earlier that you've been with some proper bastards before, so in a nutshell you don't think he's as bad. You sound like someone who is accepting this shit treatment because it's not as bad as it could be. That's not the basis for a happy you, is it? Wouldn't you be happier without all this stress, and resentment? I would get rid of him, he won't change.

He's absolutely taking the piss - financially and with the lack of emotional support when you needed it.

My question is....why have you allowed this for so long?

Irrespective of whether you leave him or not...I think you have a lot of work to do in relation to understanding why you allow yourself to be treated this way and don't put in place reasonable boundaries from the beginning of a relationship?

My worry is that if you don't work on this you'll find yourself in a similar relationship again in the future...

Give him notice on the car and let him bit his own
Take money for half the bills on pay day and stop bailing him out you are not his mum
Once you have the money for living costs it's tough if he is skint
Ask your friend to go away with you for your birthday

Listen carefully. You are being used. He knows what he's doing, it isn't a 'mistake' of any kind. He thinks you exist to fund him, make his life easy. FFS, sort yourself out and get rid. That would be the best 50th birthday present anyone could give you. Why not send him on whatever men do instead of spa-days, and while he's out, pack up all his stuff and drop it at the home of a friend or relative?

I don't think he's a bad person, just a thoughtless one.

From all you have said, he is not thoughtless, he knows what he should be doing he just does not want to change!

All this 'I don't do emotions' talk is utter bullshit. He just simply does not care about you or your Dad passing or he'd have been at your side.

He is nice enough to you to keep you semi-happy while he lives the life of riley doing exactly as he pleases and sponging off you and funding the life he wants to lead.

I don't think he will change. Men like this will simply find someone else to live off. Turf him out.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

This person is simply the latest in a long line of abusive arsehats you have chosen to couple up with. You have simply and again swapped one type of abuser for another at heart abusive one.

Examine more closely your own relationship history; from what you write its been and remains pretty much dire. There's reasons for that and they need now to be addressed properly.

Look at what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up; I would be interested to learn what sort of an example your own parents set you. Your whole relationship template for many and varied reasons is warped and you have little to no proper boundaries. All the rubbish you have learnt along the way about relationships needs to be unlearnt and you should seriously look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme.

You need to start loving your own self for a change. That's a novelty for you as you've likely never done that or even been encouraged to. One person with issues in a relationship + another with issues = two people with issues. This will never work out because he does not care about you a jot and you are not emotionally healthy either; he only cares about having his own needs met. You may act out co-dependent patterns in relationships and that is in itself unhealthy.

You also do not like confrontation (that suits this type of person down to the ground). Why is that?. Did you yourself grow up or see verbal abuse on a regular basis, did you see other people shouted down?.

The last thing you need is yet another relationship after this one ends and this needs to end asap. You need to sort your own shit out and start loving your own self for a change. Currently you are still a magnet for low lifes like this individual and have been such a magnet for many years. If you do not now sort yourself out properly, you could well be in the same position in say 18 months to two years time.

It sounds like drink has a massive starring role in this sorry state of a relationship.

I think that is his main problem - he's an alcoholic.

It sounds like drink may be an issue for you too?

I agree with everything everyone else is saying.

I'm nearly 50 too. Life really is too short. You can be so much happier than this.

Stop waiting for him to start treating you properly. It's never going to happen. Although if you threaten to stop his meal ticket he may pretend to pull his act tether for a while. Please don't string it out, he's had enough chances abs he's shown how little he cares for you.

Why not go back to your friend who asked about your birthday and arrange a weekend away with her?

And make your birthday present to yourself starting a new life without a leech in it.

That should say pull his act together, not tether!

How old is he?

I'm fascinated by "This isn't a straightforward cocklodger"

Yes it is.

Hi -

I know this is hard for you: you love him, you've invested in this relationship, you've got the social status of being in a relationship (I'm guessing this matters to you).

But please listen to this (and I know it makes difficult reading):

• Love: Is he with you for love or for convenience? You know the answer. Say it to yourself aloud: naming things makes them real.

• Investment: You wouldn't keep throwing money at an investment that gives you no or very little return - you would get out of it fast. It's not different here. Accept that you've made a bad choice, learn from it but please move away.

• Social status: OP, everybody around you in real life knows he doesn't care for you. They probably despise him for treating you like this and pity you for taking it all (I don't mean to be horrible, please believe me). You would also feel contempt for this man if he wasn't your partner, wouldn't you, and they were treating somebody else like this. You would gain a lot more social respect if you left him.

OP - take control. Accept its going to be hard, but start thinking of the steps you need to take to leave him. Ask for advice here - we'll support you in every step of this difficult process.

And don't hate yourself x

50? I thought you were going to say 21! Yes, you do not need to put up with this shit.

I married someone like this. And had children with him. I was young, so I hoped he'd grow up. He never did, and after we got married it became so much worse. Made me very unhappy for years. But he never meant it, it wasn't his fault, he wasn't bad really, etc, etc.

He is not going to change - so you need to decide can you put up with it, for the sake of having him around - or kick him to the curb.

I kicked mine to the curb. It took a while to get over, and he's still probably bemused as to why. But god my life is better for it.

Thanks. Last night I was angry and drunk so it all came out. Today I've got a cool head on.

How did it come to be like this? Well, when we met we were both in financial straights and between us muddled along just about managing. It was still a bit in his favour to be honest - but not to this extent. It's only changed in last few months with new jobs and I expected our financial arrangements to formalise and improve, and they haven't. I'm not making excuses for him but he is pretty shit with money generally, and I'm pretty good, that's why I think on the whole it's thoughtlessness rather than malicious. Also I am monthly paid and he is weekly, so it sort of makes sense to deal with monthly bills with my money, and other day-to-day stuff with his. I don't think he sees how this is leaving a gap where he has money for his own use, and I don't.

He can thoughtful at times - I got my degree certificate last year and I was going to stick it in a cheapy £5 photo frame, but he took it off to a proper framer and had it done professionally (I got to choose the frame and stuff), which cost him about £70. It looks beautiful.

I have already done a budget spreadsheet showing exactly how much we should each be contributing, but I've chickened out of discussing it with him. I'm not sure why. Partly because if he reacts badly I know it'll be the end of us. Although I don't really think he'll react badly to having it all spelled out and organised, I'm just avoiding the risk in case. I also hate to be 'controlling' financially because I had to be when I was married in the past to a man with bi-polar who would was out of control with money and nearly got us evicted with a small child while he was buying expensive impulse things for himself. I had to step in and take over all control of the finances, he wasn't even allowed access to bank account, and I had to give him cash pocket money every week. I fucking hated it being like that. He couldn't help himself, he was mentally ill, but I hate the thought of having to take control of finances with a competent healthy adult who knows better.

My parents had a very loving and devoted marriage right up to the end. Normal, nothing abusive, they were a great role model. And I'm pretty independent/smart/feminist so I have no idea why I end up being a doormat in relationships. I'm just very easy going and relaxed about stuff. Too easy going.

He did have an alcohol problem when we met but he's knocked that on the head as I was going to chuck him. I think he's narrowly escaped becoming an alcoholic. We were drunk last night but it's not often and nothing nasty/abusive - we are both a bit lightweights with drink so it was a few pints sitting with friends, not a massive bender.

Anyway he's gone off to play football this morning, he can tell I'm pissed off and keeps asking me what's wrong. I've told him to come back early as we need to sit down and talk about money. He said ok. I'll get my spreadsheet out and we'll talk.

I do need to think about myself. I procrastinate. I avoid the tricky parts of life. I should have brought this all out into the open much earlier and if I had I wouldn't be feeling so resentful now. I wanted him to just see the situation and do something off his own back, but like the saying goes, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. I need to be proactive instead. I'm actually feeling pretty good that now I'm committed to discussing this with him. I'm 90% sure he'll actually see my point and be ok with it. The standing order idea people suggested earlier is a good one rather than me having to remind him every week to hand over his share (and I would have to remind him).

"And I'm pretty independent/smart/feminist so I have no idea why I end up being a doormat in relationships. I'm just very easy going and relaxed about stuff. Too easy going"

What is the longest period of time you have been on your own?.

You are still too easy going when it comes to this man and he is playing you like a violin.

Your self esteem as well is likely to be also shot due to your crap relationship history. Many abusive men actually like supposedly "strong" and "smart" women, they see them as a challenge to bring them down to their base level. Also they know all the weak points to exploit to their own ends. This is what has precisely happened here. You do not like confrontation anyway (I am still wondering why that is) so he has gone to football whilst you sit and seethe quietly and inwardly.

You're still being easy going now with all this, to be frank nonsense talk, about you being 90% certain he will actually see your point and be ok with it. You know deep down he will not be. You are still procrastinating and doing that enables you to put off the inevitable ending of this so called relationship. You still get something out of this relationship although you have not specified what that actually is. Perhaps that in itself should tell you something.

The longest I have been on my own was 10 years, after my marriage ended. I do not fear being single and living on my own - I rather like it!

There are many good things about this relationship and about him but I'm not listing them as that isn't the point. I'm not happy with our financial arrangements so I need to tackle the issue. If it goes well, great. If it doesn't, then he isn't the man for me despite all the good stuff.