DH has really really hurt me...what do I do??

[lincolnshirelassy]

....not physically but emotionally. Another battle with Dd115 over bed time, she was stroppy and tired and overreacted, DH makes an unhelpful comment, not unusual, though Dd is very provocative with her teen attitude, when she has gone to bed I take him up on it and say I feel stuck in the middle with the two of them a lot, he gets quire argumentative so I decide to walk off and as a parting shot he says it is obvious I only care about dd1, not him, not dd2 and not ds. This really stings, particularly as I have stuck with him and supported him through depression, losing all his money and going into an IVA (something he kept secret from me) which means we can't remortgage etc, but when I point i out I am 'dragging things up again'.

Feel really miserable and don't know what to do :( he's drunk a bottle of wine so is obviously a bit drunk, that's not OK and makes me upset that he is lashing out at me.

As a bit of background Dd1 lost her boyfriend two months ago (to the day actually) to suicide so she has had more attention from me and some leeway in behaviour. DH seems to struggle to accept this, though in no way do I think I have neglected the rest of the family, I am just trying to get it right. He's her stepdad btw.

What do I do? I love my husband but feel so very hurt

Sorry x post.
It's not selfish at all that you need someone to lean on, you've had too much to deal with.

I don't think you sound selfish. You've spent a long time supporting your DH and now your DD needs your support. It would be a good time for your DH to be able to switch to supportive mode, but it seems that he isn't there (yet). If he's a good guy he's probably worried about your DD too, but he's not expressing it in the most useful way, especially if he's been drinking.

Another vote from me for couples counselling.

From the latest posts I do think couple's counselling might be helpful. You could look up emotional dependency and the parent/child/adult dynamic in relationships. I really think some recalibration is needed. He might need more support for his depression but he also needs to recognise what you need in terms of emotional support and sharing the emotional work of parenting.

blackeyed

Motif (sic) motive for suicide?

What a stupid statement, and I don't like what you are implying. You clearly do not understand depression or .

Suicide is a desperate act by a desperate person who sees no other way out. It is not caused by another person and it is the decision of that person alone. And it's not relevant to my thread so I question why on earth you would want to know?

OP, please ignore the goady posts.

Lincoln, I've got a 15 yr old DD too and they are just stroppy at that age, without grieving. Your dh needs to back off a bit and pick battles wisely. Your poor DD must be going through allsorts of emotions at the moment and needs more of your time and understanding than your other children. Do not feel guilty for helping your daughter through such a difficult time, she needs a lot of care and understanding.

Helpful posts from everyone else thank you. I think counselling might be the way forward, also looking at whether DH is sinking back into depression.

Another know I should! Ignorance around depression and suicide irritates me however...Motive?? Wtf?

Yep there's no reasoning with that, is there?! Just no point!

mum thanks. Pick your battles is always a good piece of advice with teens.

Or, indeed, with husbands

Another

I'm going to sleep on it. Will keep you posted.

BlackEyedPeas you have some bizarre conflicting ideas about 15 year olds and their independence/capabilities. So a 15 year old is not old enough to have a boyfriend but is old enough to have complete autonomy over other things. "A motif for suicide"? Whatever the reason it has nothing to do with the OP's original questions. You are either goading or dim, either way, you have nothing useful to add.

Does sound like your DH is using you as his prop, yes, and not happy when you put more energy into someone else who currently needs you to prop them up. Very selfish and yes, quite possibly he's still depressed himself but ffs, he's meant to be an adult - get him to go back to the GP and get himself sorted out, more counselling/drugs if necessary - you can't compete with a needy child without looking like a total tosser, whether it's mental-illness induced or not. He can do something about it - so he should.

Couples counselling won't work unless he's up for it though. And unless he's actually being medicated if necessary (or at least on the road to understanding he needs to be checked out).

Major x-post, I got the rage there!

BlackEyedPeas...........You are either goading or dim

I am voting for dim.

In fact scratch that, I am voting for "as thick as a yard of lard"

He sounds really childish. If he is blatantly obvious about his feelings toward your teenage daughter I wouldn't be surprised if her dad has a problem with it
She's been through the unthinkable at 15 - your DH may not see it as a big thing because they weren't married with kids etc but at that age it's always 'true love'

He sounds like a bit of a knob head to me. I hope he has apologised to you today.

I wouldn't go down the route of 'I'm stuck in the middle' I'd address each issue seperate. These are not two kids competing for your attention, one is your child who is have a very rough time and one is your husband who is supposed to be an adult. I'd focus on his behaviour and attitude to what ever dd did. Then I'd address what ever she did at a later time.

What an arse ache!

hey - lots of advice about dh and dd but what about you?

do you have anyone in your life who you can lean on a bit at the minute? any chance of a night with a friend who is in a good enough place to let you talk and let off steam and offer a shoulder? you definitely need a bit of care and time for you too or you'll be the next one sinking!

He tried to hold my hand and apologise earlier, I pushed him away and told him he couldn't make it OK just like that, he needs to address his behaviour, I am not ready to forgive him, I'm still so hurt and angry!!!