I am going to leave my husband. I WILL do this

[IWillFindTheStrength]

He is a bully, plain and simple. It has been going on for years and every time EVERY TIME I promise myself "next time, I leave" and I am still here

If you met him you'd think he was nice, pleasant and a real family man.

In the last 4 days I have been told by him...

I was a shit girlfriend now I'm a shit wife
I'm fucking thick
I'm a loser
I'm a waste of space
I will never amount to nothing
If it wasn't for him I'd have fuck all
He dragged me to where I am now
I have no ambition

I have been putting up with this sort of behaviour for years and I have had enough! I have fucking had enough of being made to feel worthless.

I always get apologies and "I only say that stuff out of anger/frustration/spite" and now he's all nicely nice.

There have been many many occasions I have been sat sobbing after his tirades and he has sat there with a look of disgust on his face then he puts his hands up to his face, makes a gesture of rubbing his eyes and said "boo fucking hoo"

And this piece of shit claims to love me?

Oh and when I asked, during his last mouthful, why he married me, he said it was "a strategic move" or words to that effect.

I don't even like him any more. He has made me feel worthless.

Guess I'm just scared, not of being on my own, I have a house so I'll be ok, but of him kicking off. I'm waiting for my moment.

I have truly fucking had enough

(Just needed to vent)

This is like reading about my life except my kids are older and now working. I've put up with emotional abuse for years, your fat ugly insane over sensitive miserable. That's polite. Not all the time but I have felt like I'm living life in emotional chaos. Does he love me don't at this it will piss him off, don't challenge the status quo. I've left an incredibly challenging job and had a break, with his support agreed but more than ever I can now see that my marriage doesn't bring me emotional stability it happiness.
Don't get me wrong, I can be difficult I've no doubt and in the last have called him names too for which I'm ashamed.
The atmosphere at home can be toxic, my mood changes when j walk in the front door and then I'm angry for being like that.
He has no patience and anger issues that he will not do anything about it. On strong days I'm planning my life and feel empowered and then I see him, feel sorry for him and at the end of the day k still love him. What's bloody wrong with me? If it was anyone else I would be saying walk away!!! Now.
Told him a week ago I wanted out and then he's lovely, makes an effort with me and the kids and to do stuff round the house. But I have that nagging thought that this is the best it will be - I need more. Not roses or love letters just respect and to feel valued and loved, instead of eggshells. I am lonely.
Married 25 years, What if it's the biggest regret of my life. He will probably go on to meet someone else and that makes me feel sick- why do I even care?
He was on a works event yday and last night and txt me to ask if I'm ending it. I said I'm not discussing by txt but unless he addresses the things mentioned and fundamental changes then it's another plaster and never fixes anything. His reply are you making changes? I said I've laid it all out how I feel what I need to stay in this marriage and not playing games.
I had friends round, relaxed and enjoyed my evening with him away.
He came back at 11, we've been
Pleasant to one another and that's it. I said to him we need to talk today, both kids at work so perfect opportunity. He said not today I'm too tired it's not a good day, then said we'll talk in bed. (I've slept in marital bed once in the last fortnight). So I've sat and stewed while he watched a film, and now sat on the lap top on his motorbike forum in silence.
That tells me he cannot surely appreciate the importance of marriage and the value of out relationship.
He has no friends and only talks to his mum every few weeks, he hasn't anyone else.
I feel torn between head and heart. My daughter says leave mum you will be truly happy without dad and that I am weak. Friends and sister say it's long overdue and he's a bully!! Drained!

Thrities your husband is delaying in the hope you give up.

He is tired, The Poor Poppet, & the motorbike forum is more appealing.
You say, "Its not really up to you to delay, defer or hide from this issue, if you WON'T talk today then we won't talk at all. Pack your bag Tosser. "

Even your own children can see it. That is all you need to know.

Hi everyone and sorry I haven't been back.

Well he's found somewhere to live, a cheap little flat. And now that I know it's done I am absolutely heartbroken, I keep thinking of the good times we had, because we had lots of happy times, but can they outweigh the nasty stuff? I can't get to work as I now have no car and nobody to watch the kids. I'm going to struggle financially, but I will be ok.

I swing between crying and considering telling him I've made a mistake and minimising things in my own head, then thinking no, I have done the right thing.

He has begged me to reconsider, he doesn't want to leave me, he loves me and will get help for his anger. But he said that years ago and he didn't. He is devastated, he thought we had a rock solid relationship.

I'm starting to doubt myself, I'm heartbroken

Hold your nerve. You thought hard about your decision and of course the relationship wasn't all bad. Its natural to feel sad when its ended, even if it is the right choice.

Would a reasonable person have thought they were in a rock solid relationship with all the unaddressed stuff about anger management?

If he is serious about anger management he can crack on with it whilst not with you.
Even if it doesnt save your marriage he needs to do that anyway.

He has begged me to reconsider, he doesn't want to leave me, he loves me and will get help for his anger.

Well, I think he's spouting a crock of shit. But in any case he doesn't have to be living in your home to 'work on his anger'. He can do that very well from his little flat, can't he? As a matter of fact, if he now understands how damaging his anger is, if he's so serious about changing he should be saying "I don't deserve to live with you. I will stay where I am and seek treatment for my anger issues. I know I have to work hard because my anger is wrong and I need to change, for myself. If I change, if I am very lucky I may earn my way back to you".

You have done the right thing. Because he won't change. They never do.

Give it time. Then give it some more. No contact beyond the absolutely necessary. Concentrate on you. Get some counseling. Don't go back to being belittled. It'll be 20x worse.

Op, do you understand that when someone loves you, likes you, respects you, they don't talk to you like that? If you get back together with him you are giving him permission to continue, you are letting your children learn this way of being a couple, and if being a man or woman, is right and acceptable. Is that what you believe? Why not cool your heels for a week or two and speak to your local service for women in abusive relationships before making such a big decision?

He is devastated, he thought we had a rock solid relationship.

Come on now - rock solid to him means verbally abused wifey.

Remember:
I was a shit girlfriend now I'm a shit wife
I'm fucking thick
I'm a loser
I'm a waste of space
I will never amount to nothing
If it wasn't for him I'd have fuck all
He dragged me to where I am now
I have no ambition

You were only rock solid if YOU sat and took all this shit.

Now, you can go on and have a nice life now he is out of it.

Please contact Women's Aid and enrol on the Freedom Programme www.womensaid,org.uk

Absolutely agree with goddess
Call them today and do this course asap.
If you can't get to attend the course then you can do it online.

What is he going to pay you as maintenance?
Have you looked on line at what you should get from him?
If he won't pay up then get onto CSA and get them on the case.
Have you spoken with CAB to ensure you are getting all the benefits you should be now he has gone?
You've done the hardest bit.
Now you have to keep your resolve.
He is an abusive nasty piece of work and he's made you feel like shit for years. Don't let him worm his way back.
He's a manipulative bully and you can't fall for his lies again.

As PPs have said. If he knows he has anger issues he would be addressing them already. Not telling you he will IF you do 'so and so' i.e. take him back.
If he's serious he will get the help he needs without a reward at the end of it.
He's just missing his little wifey doing all the wifey things he took for granted. He's missing his 'punch bag'

Stay strong. Do NOT take these 10 massive steps forward and then 20 steps back. That's madness.
Tell all your family and friends and get them to help you keep your resolve.
Tell them everything. In fact you can maybe show very close people this thread so they understand exactly what you have been through and why you need to do this.

Well done on getting him out. Now keep him away!
You can live a more happy life free of abuse and ADs!