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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A man who doesn't want commitment

75 replies

Izzybusy11 · 21/01/2016 20:46

If you are having a relationship with a man who doesn't want commitment and you're finding the situation is not what you want but you really like him...how is it best to handle the situation?

He's aware that his non committal ways make me unhappy but is unwilling to change them.

If I end the relationship is the best advice to get out there, date other people and leave the door open if he changes his mind?

I'm not looking for big commitment but just a bit more from him than he is giving and we are at a stalemate where it's his way or the highway

OP posts:

Original poster

Izzybusy11 · 22/01/2016 09:24

I'm attracted always to men who treat me well, but he changed and then changes back and then changes again so it kept me off balance because every time I think he doesn't like me and make a decision to forget about it he comes back to how he was before.

When I like him and am responsive he pulls away and vice versa.

I ignored him yesterday and he kept texting in a bit of a panic. He's obviously wanting to keep me hanging on so I do think me not caring anymore will dent his ego at least a little when he realises I don't want to see him again.

I think he's been playing silly games with me all along.

OP posts:

Threefishys · 22/01/2016 09:33

Can I say OP when grown adults get into text games you know its a non starter. Why because you're acting like teenagers in an adult relationship. If you want an evolved adult relationship you both need to act like adults. Don't mirror his behaviour by an ignoring him to get a kick out of it - I'd expect that from my 13 yo DD. Or at least if you do it accept that you've lowered yourself to the level of playing the game , realise that its actually a little bit sad for you to waste your own time that way, stop talking about/thinking out him and go out and date someone else with the resolve to treat a new prospect with the maturity you're expecting to receive. If you don't get it again, then move on again, but don't ever base your ego and self worth at this stage of life on text games! X

Original poster

Izzybusy11 · 22/01/2016 09:46

Up until quite recently I wasn't aware I was being played or was part of a game. I tend to think the best of people and was wondering if I'd done something! I was sitting there wracking my brain of what it could be so it's wasted a lot of my head space already.

Date sorted with someone else for Sat.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 22/01/2016 10:04

Personally, as a bloke, i think we make time for what is important to us. If someone said that to me, I'd say fair enough & walk

Threefishys · 22/01/2016 10:16

Have a good date on sat OP

hellsbellsmelons · 22/01/2016 13:58

Glad you dumped - ignore any further contact him - don't even respond in a breezy way.
Just don't respond. That will drive him insane.
Enjoy your date on Saturday.

SoThatHappened · 22/01/2016 14:36

Zero confidence, flattered by the attention and then I was played. All the effort came from my end. I probably came across as desperate and oh so available. A few times, I hung around until they met other women they were prepared to commit to. I can still recall feeling like utter crap and that I was not good enough to be "the girlfriend" just the girl they slept with as and when they pleased.

This post from openup41 struck a cord. How is these guys can use us and be good to the next woman. Or maybe they arent.....?

Original poster

Izzybusy11 · 22/01/2016 17:21

Well I'm not usually like that, but never been played before so I probably was like that this time! It's a really weird sensation when someone gives you loads of attention and then withdraws it. You just wonder what you have done wrong.

He really did make me think he liked me a lot at first, and then sporadically throughout to the point I have exhausted the conversation to death with friends and half of them told me to dump and half told me he sounded fine and just busy. I have even gotten to the point of questioning myself and my own sanity.

When he wants to see me he's available literally any day at all that I can fit him in and he's happy to cancel plans to accommodate a date. On days he is in the mood for me if I am working or out with friends he will text and say he's staying awake till whatever time to talk to me - then other days it's like he can't be bothered at all.

Somehow it crept up on me that it started out with me feeling special and has morphed into a relationship that's entirely based on his mood and whim and I find myself questioning all the time how he feels.

Maybe it's the thrill of the chase, he seems to enjoy being in a permanent cat and mouse game rather than just two normal people making plans and enjoying time together.

He makes me feel wonderful, then awful, then wonderful, then awful. He might have some sort of personality disorder or be seeing multiple women at once.

OP posts:

Gabilan · 22/01/2016 18:41

I don't think there's any point in angsting over his behaviour OP, still less giving it a medical label. He's just a common or garden wanker who's not that into you.

LeaLeander · 22/01/2016 18:59

Sounds like a jackass under any circumstances. You're well rid of him.

As an aside, I simply refuse to conduct a relationship via text. If a man can't pick up the phone, chat for a moment, and say "Do you want to see that movie on Saturday?" or "I'm looking forward to coming over to help with your greenhouse on Sunday, still up for that?" or whatever, like an adult, then forget it.

I realize everyone uses devices differently but especially in the early stages, a little effort is appreciated.

Original poster

Izzybusy11 · 22/01/2016 19:25

Absolutely agree that every relationship I've ever had that's been any good hadn't involved a lot of texting.

I actually miss the days before social media and free messengers to be honest. Was so lovely to get a phone call.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 22/01/2016 19:37

A lot of people forget that it's actually perfectly OK not to want to commit. Relationships are not compulsory and there is nothing wrong with preferring to keep things casual and friendly. Certainly, anyone bleating about 'where this relationship is going' after a couple of dates is likely to be desperate or creepy.

The first few weeks/months of seeing someone are all about finding out whether or not you want to keep on doing so. Great big declarations of how serious it is are usually the sign of someone to run a mile from.

Having said that, this bloke does sound a bit inclined to muck you about for the sake of it, so you are best off without him.

SoThatHappened · 22/01/2016 19:41

One of my exes had no problem calling me. He called all the time. We would talk for hours on a night when we weren't seeing each other. he still ended up lying and cheating. :(

It is annoying to do it all by text though.

SoThatHappened · 22/01/2016 19:47

The first few weeks/months of seeing someone are all about finding out whether or not you want to keep on doing so. Great big declarations of how serious it is are usually the sign of someone to run a mile from.

Very true. At want point do you say it is no longer ok to string along. This is 3 months. So 6 months, 8 months, longer? to decide?

Original poster

Izzybusy11 · 22/01/2016 20:05

I don't want commitment, probably used the wrong word. Just to feel an equal.

I have been in relationships before a few times where the man liked me more, or wanted to move faster or wanted more from the relationship than I did and I was still respectful.

If I don't like someone that much, I let them know I am not feeling it.

If I don't really want to see someone, I let them know (nicely) that I fancy being alone this weekend and that we will make plans soon.

If I usually call someone every day and decide not to one week, I would tell them "sorry not communicated much" and give some sort of explanation.

If I wanted to see other people, I wouldn't ask someone to be exclusive.

I think there's becoming a horrible new wave of dating where men can treat women like shit or with utter disrespect for their time and then make out the woman is needy.

I think we should start a revolt and go back to the days where they had to treat us diferrently to get our time. Sex starve all the wankers until they are forced into manning up a bit.

OP posts:

SoThatHappened · 22/01/2016 20:10

I think there's becoming a horrible new wave of dating where men can treat women like shit or with utter disrespect for their time and then make out the woman is needy.

Oh yeah. So true. They behave badly and then when we are upset we are needy.

Original poster

Izzybusy11 · 22/01/2016 20:13

Absolutely.

I bloody hope I am needy. I need to be respected, told the truth and treated like a priority.

Someone very clever should make another sticky, similar to the "Right Listen Up" one about dating. So we know what is or isn't okay.

Have to say online dating has opened my eyes to what utter wankers there are around, but the obvious wankers are easy to avoid whereas the ones who act nice and play on your own understanding and patience to use you to their own ends.

I like to thinks I am quite switched on and selective, but this one had me like a puppet and it was a long time before I really twigged at all that I was being played.

OP posts:

SoThatHappened · 22/01/2016 20:17

It took me a long time to realise too. Devastating.

Original poster

Izzybusy11 · 22/01/2016 20:21

It's like anything though isn't it.

You believe what people say and take them at face value because any normal person would not fathom the point of behaving in any way other way.

Not only wasting your time, but also their own surely.

Can't think of anything worse to do with my time that date someone and pretend to really like them when I didn't and make someone else feel bad so I could think i was sexier or whatever.

You have to really pity people that insecure that they waste their precious moments of youth on this planet in relationships that have no meaning for them where they are not being authentic.

It might be three months I am not getting back, but he isn't either - and at least out of the two of us I felt it was worth bothering with!!!!

OP posts:

JemimaMuddleDuck · 22/01/2016 20:30

Decide what YOU want. Does he fit that criteria? If no, then NEXT!

Life is too short to waste it on people who want different things to you. I was in your situation once upon a time. My life got a lot easier when I realised I was just dancing to someone else's tune and made the decision to get rid.

Threefishys · 22/01/2016 20:32

Maybe he was being completely authentic though - insofar as when he could be arsed you'd hear from him when he couldn't you didn't. You don't mention that he made any future plans with you so it sounds like he was very much behaving in the moment which is somewhat honest and true to himself even if it's a bit shit being on the end of it. Bottom line is you and he are the wrong fit. Maybe your date tomorrow Will be right?

SoThatHappened · 22/01/2016 20:33

I wasted a hell of a lot longer than 3 months i can tell you that.

I took him at face value only to find out i was being used for sex until he found someone he really liked. I was an ego boost for him. nothing more.

But why wasnt i good enough to be the gf?

SolidGoldBrass · 23/01/2016 01:47

There's a difference between deliberate manipulation ie blowing hot and cold in order to keep you confused, upset and interested, and simply not being bothered about more than an occasional shag.

It's fine to have non-serious, friendly sex with lots of different people. There are plenty of people out there who are fun to have sex with but, for a variety of reasons, not people you want to spend all your leisure time with, or set up home with.

It's a very, very bad idea for women to 'sex-starve' men until they offer commitment. After all, the man might turn out to be not much cop in bed and then you might feel obliged to stick with him because the deal was he made the commitment...

SoThatHappened · 23/01/2016 15:30

There's a difference between deliberate manipulation ie blowing hot and cold in order to keep you confused, upset and interested, and simply not being bothered about more than an occasional shag.

Mine was deliberate...he knew I liked him, knew he didnt like me. Bu he did the hot col to keep me around.

Daenerys2 · 23/01/2016 20:52

Oh yeah. So true. They behave badly and then when we are upset we are needy.

This. I'm in a very similar situation. Have turned phone off tonight. Very liberating.

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