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Original poster

A man who doesn't want commitment

75 replies

Izzybusy11 · 21/01/2016 20:46

If you are having a relationship with a man who doesn't want commitment and you're finding the situation is not what you want but you really like him...how is it best to handle the situation?

He's aware that his non committal ways make me unhappy but is unwilling to change them.

If I end the relationship is the best advice to get out there, date other people and leave the door open if he changes his mind?

I'm not looking for big commitment but just a bit more from him than he is giving and we are at a stalemate where it's his way or the highway

OP posts:
Offred · 21/01/2016 22:18

I wouldn't bother TBH. He's someone you've been dating for 3 months. He's proven unsuitable. Don't see how giving him even more chances would work.

Just dump and move on.

Original poster
Izzybusy11 · 21/01/2016 22:24

The first month he was diferrent and all about making plans and keeping in touch and it was a bit like as soon as he knew he had me interested he changed. Probably a player.

I will definitely hear from him when he is wanting sex or has a gap in his schedule so I just want to have clear in my head how I handle it and what I say.

I want to seem breezy and have him walk away feeling a bit of a slap to the ego for once. Thinking maybe he overestimated my interest would be nice.

I have someone else who wants to take me out this weekend and was going to go and was going to do it.

I don't think he wants to lose me but I think he needs a major shock to the system of realising he has to earn it a bit more. I let the balance of power completely slip out of my hands.

If he doesn't sort it out, I am happy to forget him. He has a lot of great points but I know I want more.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 21/01/2016 22:27

I would walk, easy for me to say I know! If he's not that bothered about your feelings or even seeing you at the is point he's simply not that into you. He likes you a bit, but he's not that bothered.

A lot of of have been there. I wish I'd walked away from lots of men like this rather than sitting and hoping and wasting my time. All of my serious relationships have been with men that really made an effort right from the start.

AnyFucker · 21/01/2016 22:30

Date other people

He probably is

Original poster
Izzybusy11 · 21/01/2016 22:30

Yes mine have too

But he did make an effort right at the start and then swapped his strategy which I think was what sent me off balance a little.

If he'd always been like this he wouldn't have gotten a first date!

If this is what he's like he'd make a terrible, selfish partner

OP posts:
Offred · 21/01/2016 22:31

The nice at the start is to suck you in.

Tempting though it is it's probably best to not bother trying to knock Him down a peg or too cos it likely won't work anyway.

Maybe just text to say "hi, this isn't working for me, thought it best I let you know" then block straight away.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 21/01/2016 22:31

Which is all well and good but I'm sitting home when I could be out with someone else.

Never do this!! Always accept invites and plans if you have nothing else arranged. He'd have to make time then!!

(However you should dump this one)

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 21/01/2016 22:31

Which is all well and good but I'm sitting home when I could be out with someone else.

Never do this!! Always accept invites and plans if you have nothing else arranged. He'd have to make time then!!

(However you should dump this one)

Gabilan · 21/01/2016 22:37

After 12 weeks you could just ghost him. You don't owe him anything. You can't control his feelings or magically make him think he should have made more effort.

fredericofoofoo · 21/01/2016 22:44

Have been in similar situation, unfortunately I let him mess with my head for a lot longer than 3 months.

Finally come to my senses and every time he asked if I was available the answer was no. I did find that this unsettled him and dented his ego and he did the the sweetness and light tactics that he had used at the beginning.

Stay strong, keep saying no and if he's as self-centered as the idiot I dated, denting his ego will be your best revenge.

Wileycoyote · 21/01/2016 22:46

Ghost him? What is that?

Offred · 21/01/2016 22:52

Where you just don't commit to anything directly and then just stop replying.

AnyFucker · 21/01/2016 22:54

I would do it quick, before he gets in first

Gabilan · 21/01/2016 22:55

Yes, just being a ghost - not responding. Not normally something I'd recommend, but I don't think this guy deserves much.

Cabrinha · 21/01/2016 22:58

Sorry to say it, but you dumping him won't be a "major shock to the system".
He's not interested so he won't care. He'll just move on to the next person willing to put up with it for a while.

Good on you for not being that person!

I'd just stop texting him. Ignore next contact. If he sends two attempts in a row, telling him you're sorry you didn't reply, busy... and don't see this going anywhere.

Offred · 21/01/2016 22:58

It's a really passive aggressive way to dump someone without actually telling them.

i wouldn't bother trying to play games with a game player though - that's giving it more attention that it deserves and can backfire.

Dump and block would be my suggestion.

Seriouslyffs · 21/01/2016 22:58

Yep- good relationships are not hard work. Especially 3 months in.

Aussiebean · 21/01/2016 23:16

Him 'want to meet up Friday?'

You 'no, I have a date'

Him 'how about Saturday?'

You 'no, will probably still be on the date '

Him 'how about next week?

You 'no, want to keep myself open for another date'

Openup41 · 21/01/2016 23:16

It is hard but he is not interested enough to commit. Are you willing to accept less than what you desire?

I have been in this situation a number of times - as a teen.

Zero confidence, flattered by the attention and then I was played. All the effort came from my end. I probably came across as desperate and oh so available. A few times, I hung around until they met other women they were prepared to commit to. I can still recall feeling like utter crap and that I was not good enough to be "the girlfriend" just the girl they slepy with as and when they pleased. Sad

Vaginaaa · 21/01/2016 23:35

If you're dumping him why do you even care about getting "power" back? You can't slap his ego when he doesn't give a shit.

honeyroar · 21/01/2016 23:43

I agree with vaginaaa. Just move on, the game playing will affect you emotionally much more than him. He will just move on. It won't spur him into caring for long, perhaps for long enough to convince you he's changed, then he will revert back and you'll be fed up again. Save yourself the bother, just say thanks but no thanks and move on.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/01/2016 00:07

Just don't initiate any kind of contact and if he does contact you, be too busy to see him. He's simply not that bothered, so there's no need for you to be bothered, either.
To be fair, after only 12 weeks and (presumably) no promises to each other to be exclusive, he doesn't owe you any kind of commitment, not even to seeing each other again. But you don't owe him anything, either.

spudlike1 · 22/01/2016 06:27

I can't feel attracted to anyone who's available29

18/01/2016 20:32
Have you seen this post

forumdonkey · 22/01/2016 07:03

He's selfish, inconsiderate and lacking basic manners. When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. You are right when you say if he's like this 12 weeks in he will be a terrible partner.

Dump and get out there and party girl!

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 22/01/2016 08:09

You don't seem to really want to dump him for good, just dump him in a way that brings him to heel..that's not healthy - and fwiw just carries on playing to his ego.