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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advise needed please...

38 replies

TulaLost · 21/01/2016 16:16

Hi everyone. I need practical advise please if you will.

I have decided that I want to separate from my husband. It has been a very long and tiring 8 years and I can no longer continue pretending to be okay with our situation.

I have 2 children aged 3 and 6 and work full time. My husband is a stays at home to look after the children. This is not my choice this is how it had to be because of his failings and lack of drive for a better life.

But now I am in a situation where I feel like I can't leave. Trapped in a marriage that involves me working my arse off to provide for the family, whilst he takes on my role as a mother. I'm bitter and I've had enough. He won't even get a part time job. I say "won't" he says "can't find".

I love him, but this can't go on! It's been 8 years and no change.

We own the house but he would have know where to go. And if he did go I would have no childcare for work.

I feel so trapped.... Ladies please advise! Ask questions if you need to xxx

OP posts:
SelfRaisingFlour · 21/01/2016 16:29

He has a right to stay in the house, because he is co-owner. You can't force him to leave without a court order.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/if-you-re-married-or-in-a-civil-partnership-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/if-you-re-married-or-in-a-civil-partnership-and-you-own-your-home-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-where-to-start-for-spouses-and-civil-partners-in-an-owned-home/

It's not that easy to get work to fit around a 3 year old so I think you're being a big harsh. Looking after two young children and enabling you to go to work is work. I think a man suggesting that his SAHM wife is being lazy would get short shrift on here.

Can you afford a second lot of rent and bills for you to move out?

Original poster
TulaLost · 21/01/2016 16:36

Let me get something straight here... My oldest child is 6 and he has not worked for 8 years...

I have worked all along and had time off on maternity twice and then had to return to full time work when I really wanted to stay and home and perhaps work part time.

I'm not staying he's lazy... I know it's hard looking after children at home. However... a complete role reversal is not how I saw my life. That may sound selfish but I feel like he's taken my job away from me and he should be the one out at work.

No of course I can't afford a second lot of bills... I can barely make ends meet with one house.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 21/01/2016 16:37

Your OH should be in work, at least during term time, sounds like you are saying he decided he was going to stay home and call that work - without any agreement about it.

You need to get advice, as a single parent you'd be entitled to housing benefit and other things like child benefit and child tax credits but try CAB for full information.

How much equity is in the house, sell that, split the difference and start again - he will just have to grow up and find himself a job so he can support himself, instead of expecting you to pay his share all the time. I know personally I could not be with a man that lived this life.

Not sure if he would be entitled to a full state pension if he doesn't pay tax or NI.

Original poster
TulaLost · 21/01/2016 16:44

He hasn't paid his stamp since he lost his job 8 years ago. So he'll probably be entitled to half of mine as a SAHD. There's not much in the house... perhaps enough to pay off debts and start again. I can't even afford to renew the mortgage on my wages alone let alone buy somewhere from scratch.... It's very hard decision to make.

OP posts:
Original poster
TulaLost · 21/01/2016 16:47

We NEVER agreed that when we had kids he'd be a SAHD and I'd work. I just had no choice but to go out and earn some money before we lost everything and he ran out of excuses for not finding a job when I had a babe in arms and no money left in the bank.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 21/01/2016 16:48

I think it would be very difficult OP but plenty other single mums manage it, the less you earn the more you would get in tax credits - you would also be entitled to childcare costs - you may have to take a financial hit but would you still not be happier anyway?

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 21/01/2016 16:48

You need to get advice, as a single parent you'd be entitled to housing benefit and other things like child benefit and child tax credits but try CAB for full information.

As the SAHP your stbx is the primary carer and would be seen so by the courts.

Jan45 · 21/01/2016 16:49

Disgusting the way you were forced back to work, what a loser he is.

Bubblesinthesummer · 21/01/2016 16:51

Your OH should be in work, at least during term time

One of the DC is 3 so not in school. Would you say that to a SAHM?

The husband is the primary carer so it is him who would be entitled to the benefits.

SelfRaisingFlour · 21/01/2016 16:55

Further to Jan45's post, you would only get Housing Benefit if you're renting (it's not for paying off mortgages) and Child Tax Credits if you earn under the income threshold. You don't automatically get these things for being a single parent, unless you give up working yourself or work part-time or have a low income. If you work at least 16 hours a week, you can get Working Tax Credit. Means tested benefits are out of the question if you have more than £16K of capital.

Most people don't have the money for a second lot of rent/bills so that's why a lot of couples separate but keep living in the same house.

citizensadvice.org.uk is a good place to start.

Original poster
TulaLost · 21/01/2016 16:55

It's not that he is or was a loser. He has absolutely no confidence and no training. And no drive for life for that matter. He is a good person. Loving and caring and to be honest good at being a SAHD. It's just I can't carry us through life alone... I want more from life... and he's just well... lifeless.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
Jan45 · 21/01/2016 16:55

If the OP leaves him and takes the children with her I mean obviously.

No I wouldn't say it to a SAHMum but I was brought up in a household where the man went out to work and the mum stayed home and looked after us kids and cooked and cleaned etc.......the OP has already told us it was not her choice to go back full time, she had no choice cos he wasn't earning anything to support them, not because they sat and agreed this was the best for the family.

Most 3 year olds at least attend nursery, nothing stopping him working nights either and weekends, assuming the OP works office hours.

He's a lazy git.

Original poster
TulaLost · 21/01/2016 16:57

My 6 year old is in full time school and my 3 year old is in half day nursery. I know it's hard to find work around these things, but we have had offers of help from the mother in law a few days.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 21/01/2016 16:57

I meant housing benefit for renting, I know you don't get it if you buy.

No you are not being selfish OP - most parents both work just to support the family, unless you are on a massive wage?

Sorry but for me lifeless = lazy.

SelfRaisingFlour · 21/01/2016 16:58

What I said above applies if you have the children living with you.

Jan45 · 21/01/2016 16:59

Has he actually applied for any jobs or does he just outright refuse to even look?

Bubblesinthesummer · 21/01/2016 17:00

No I wouldn't say it to a SAHMum but I was brought up in a household where the man went out to work and the mum stayed home and looked after us kids and cooked and cleaned etc

Hmm

Well that isn't the way things are today thankfully nor is it the way the court sees it

OP has already told us it was not her choice to go back full time, she had no choice cos he wasn't earning anything to support them, not because they sat and agreed this was the best for the family.

If a husband wants his DW to go out your work but she choses not to but to be a SAHP. That isn't his choice either.

Original poster
TulaLost · 21/01/2016 17:01

Thank you Jan45. He could work evenings when I get home from work, or weekends? That is what I would do if he worked full time. A bar job? anything! Just some kind of contribution would be helpful.

Feel like I'm dragging a tonne of bricks behind me all the time and not getting any happier.

OP posts:
Funinthesun15 · 21/01/2016 17:02

No I wouldn't say it to a SAHMum

Your remarks are therefore sexist, whether you like it or not.

Original poster
TulaLost · 21/01/2016 17:02

He says he's looked and applied, but nothing ever materializes.

OP posts:
Original poster
TulaLost · 21/01/2016 17:05

The point here is.... If he was working full time and struggling to make ends meet and stressed all the time. Then I would get a part time job... evenings weekends or a couple of hours here and there to help out. I wouldn't let him struggle and subsequently become miserable...

OP posts:
Jan45 · 21/01/2016 17:08

Nothing wrong with how it was thanks. I think you will find even nowadays that normally it's the mum who is the primary carer and does most of the child care.

Bubbles, we will just have to agree to disagree, I don't see any reason why the OP OH is not in work, you think it's fine, I don't think the OP thinks so.

Morganly · 21/01/2016 17:16

He is the children's main carer. If you leave, you may have to leave without the children and come to an agreement with him about contact. Wouldn't he want the children to live with him at least 50% of the time?

Also as he is the main carer, if anyone gets to stay in the family home, that will be him, not you. More likely, because you can't afford to rent or buy at the moment, you would have to sell the current home, split the equity and both rehouse yourselves more cheaply.

Don't do anything rash. I suggest you see a solicitor to find out exactly where you stand both financially and with regard to the children.

Then have you thought about relationship counselling? Lots of couples conduct their marriages exactly as you are currently doing but with the gender split the opposite. This makes you feel angry and exploited and cheated out of something. Can you express all that with the help of a counsellor and explore solutions.

Jan45 · 21/01/2016 17:16

Funin, I can live with that.

OP, I really feel for you and I think it's totally unfair on you and not the life you signed up for, time for some hard talking!

Sorry for calling him a loser, he clearly has good qualities, it's a shame. What about taxi-ing, it's very flexible.

Shutthatdoor · 21/01/2016 17:20

I agree with Morganly

It is exactly the kind of things said in your post Jan That my DBro has come across horrendous prejudice as a SAHD.

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