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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advise needed please...

38 replies

TulaLost · 21/01/2016 16:16

Hi everyone. I need practical advise please if you will.

I have decided that I want to separate from my husband. It has been a very long and tiring 8 years and I can no longer continue pretending to be okay with our situation.

I have 2 children aged 3 and 6 and work full time. My husband is a stays at home to look after the children. This is not my choice this is how it had to be because of his failings and lack of drive for a better life.

But now I am in a situation where I feel like I can't leave. Trapped in a marriage that involves me working my arse off to provide for the family, whilst he takes on my role as a mother. I'm bitter and I've had enough. He won't even get a part time job. I say "won't" he says "can't find".

I love him, but this can't go on! It's been 8 years and no change.

We own the house but he would have know where to go. And if he did go I would have no childcare for work.

I feel so trapped.... Ladies please advise! Ask questions if you need to xxx

OP posts:

Jan45 · 21/01/2016 17:23

You are missing the point of this post Shut - the OP did not agree to her OH being a SAHD - he left her in a position where she had to go back working full time or they would have ended up in financial ruin.

My friend's husband is a SAHD, nothing wrong with it as long as you are both happy with that arrangement.

DespicableBee · 21/01/2016 17:23

If you havnt got any equity, you could just sell the house, move into rented , get a part time job then claim housing benefit, tax credits, child benefit,
Have you talked to him about how you feel

Shutthatdoor · 21/01/2016 17:28

My friend's husband is a SAHD, nothing wrong with it as long as you are both happy with that arrangement.

Not all fathers agree with mothers being SAHM either.

Whether it was agreed or not, the fact is that her DH is the primary carer.

We can discuss all we like about whether OP is happy about it or not. It doesn't stop it being fact and therefore Morganly and pp points stand.

OP I agree that counselling would be a good place to start.

VimFuego101 · 21/01/2016 17:31

Are you assuming he would leave alone and not take the children with him? I would think carefully about your next move here, as the primary carer it sounds like he would have a reasonable shot about getting residency of the children.

Jan45 · 21/01/2016 17:32

Shut - we all know he is the primary carer, that's not in question here!

I have decided that I want to separate from my husband. It has been a very long and tiring 8 years and I can no longer continue pretending to be okay with our situation.

I'd imagine to make this statement you've tried talking to him and got nowhere - so.......... you need informed so I'd recommend a visit to the CAB and or a solicitor to see where you stand financially.

Original poster

TulaLost · 21/01/2016 20:31

It looks and sounds like I feared.... I have inadvertently become the screwed husband with everything to lose! My home, my kids and my money. All because I decided enough was enough and someone had to go out and earn the money.

Jan45 he can't drive. Never learnt. I do all the driving.

I'm screwed aren't I. Trapped with everything as stake.

OP posts:

Original poster

TulaLost · 21/01/2016 20:33

I made him come to relate with me about 4 years ago, he came to 2 sessions and then wouldn't come again. Said it was a waste of time and he didn't need to talk about his feelings.

OP posts:

DespicableBee · 21/01/2016 21:14

Could you change your job somehow, different hours, work in evenings, or weekends so you could spend more time with the children, eg take them to school nursery etc, for a while, to redress the balance, then leave later on

DespicableBee · 21/01/2016 21:20

If you can't renew the mortgage anyway, tell him you need to sell the house, as you can't get a mortgage,
Once you have sold the house you won't be so trapped by the mortgage, you could rent somewhere on your own with DC and get tax credits etc,cand work less hours

Nottodaythankyouorever · 21/01/2016 21:27

If you can't renew the mortgage anyway, tell him you need to sell the house, as you can't get a mortgage

Not as simple as that. He would have to agree. OP can just go and change things. Nor can she just leave and take the DC.

If a husband came on here and said he was going to do that MN would be up in arms.

If you really want to leave OP then you need proper advice.

As hard as it is your DH is the primary carer and courts would view him as this.

wannaBe · 21/01/2016 21:31

Op, being out of work for eight years is a confidence destroyer. And at the moment it is an employers market where the more basic the job is the more applicants there are, (upwards of 150 per job where I live).

I used to be of the mindset that someone looking for work and failing to find any must be doing something wrong or not trying hard enough. Until I started looking for work four years ago. (I'm in a slightly different position because due to disability there are certain jobs I can't apply for eg. Bar work or shop work etc) but the same applies, if you're out of work it's much harder to go back, and every time you are rejected, or don't get an interview (and employers no longer send rejections, you just never hear from them again) it destroys the bit of self belief that you have that you might actually be able to get a job one day.

Throw a preschooler and a school age child into that mix and the hours that he is able to work are decreased yet again.

I'm not making excuses, but it seems that your dh needs to gain some confidence somewhere to go and find something he can do to help with the finances.

You need to talk to him. Tell him that things have got so bad for him that you're considering leaving. Would you be prepared to help him with job applications? Or point out jobs that you see come up?

Added to that where you say that you're "the screwed husband who ends up losing everything" is actually offensive. So, we must label your dh a lazy arise when no-one would ever think of doing that to a woman, and conceded that women screw over their husbands leaving them with nothing....? Those Bews won't earn you much sympathy on here....

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 21/01/2016 21:33

I agree.

VimFuego101 · 22/01/2016 15:12

OP, how do you think things will change when your youngest goes to school in terms of him being the 'primary carer'? Will you be able to share the childcare more equally then so he is less clearly 'the main carer' to them? If it were me I would play the long game on this, make it very clear that you expect him to find work when the children are both at school, insist that he takes steps towards that (as someone else said, it's not easy to find a job when you've been out of work for that long so I would expect that there would be some retraining/career counselling/volunteering to get experience needed) and work towards putting yourself in a position work-hours wise where you are able to do some of the pick ups/drop offs - both for you to spend more time with your children, as that's clearly something that you wish to do, and from a legal standpoint if you were to separate.

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