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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

it's done and I'm totally heart broken

30 replies

BoringlyRestrictive · 21/01/2016 12:50

So my marriage is over and we are separating. He is going to find somewhere to live.

Despite this being my instigation and a good thing and what I wanted.
I am completely heart broken and devastated.

I don't know what to do with these emotions.

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 21/01/2016 12:52

What were reasons for wanting to end the marriage? I'm imagining that you have good ones.

Sorry, I know it still hurts, the letting go.

Original poster

BoringlyRestrictive · 21/01/2016 13:00

Emotionally abusive, mental game playing hostile environment for my DC. In a nutshell.

Still fucking hurts and I'm totally heart broken. Still have feelings for him. Maybe they will fade? Maybe they aren't really there but just residual?

Who the fuck knows. Just right now I'm at home with 2 small DC and all I want to do is cry my fucking eyes out.

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 21/01/2016 13:07

Yes, you hope that they'll want to change, don't you? You hope that the 'nice' bits of him will become permanent.

But that never happens. The nice bits you love are just a facade to keep you hooked, to keep you interested. He has no desire and probably no ability to change.

You've done a brave thing, ending it for the sake of you and your DC. You will get through this, as you realise you invested in an illusion not a reality.

tipsytrifle · 21/01/2016 14:25

I remember one of your earlier threads. Haven't been on MN much of late but wanted to offer you renewed support when I saw your latest thread.

You've done the right thing. Your courage is intense and will help you find your place in this new situation. You've already grown towards being the whole and happy you that you long to be. Yes it will likely get rough. Yes you can deal with it all. Cry as and when you need, there's a lot of letting go to be done. It's necessary and a normal part of the process

Toystory4 · 21/01/2016 15:25

It does fade believe me!

Original poster

BoringlyRestrictive · 21/01/2016 15:27

Thank you for your replies.

It doesn't feel real somehow. Feels like a strange never ending dream sequence.

Just feel so sad and drained.

OP posts:

MoominPie22 · 21/01/2016 15:53

LineyReborn has it spot on. This isn´t what any of us expect or plan for when we embark on a serious relationship with someone. Esp where kids are involved. You never envision things getting so intolerable and ending so badly. You always think break ups and shit happen to other people. We think if we work hard enough and are patient enough, the problems will be overcome and the good times will return.

As long as your conscience is clear and you can tell yourself you did nothing wrong and gave the relationship your very best, this misery you feel currently will pass. It´s a huge change to get used to but ultimately it´s a positive one. And positivity and optimism will return to your life, I promise.

It sounds like you´re going through the wringer but it´s just a natural phase when a long-term relationship ends and you´ve got the emotions attached where the kids are concerned too and this can involve guilt re them too. But you have to just feel these feelings and believe they are transient. Concentrate on getting as much positivity into your life as possible just now, treat yourself well, be around supportive people and allow them to help you.

Don´t worry, it really does only get better from here on in.

honeyroar · 21/01/2016 16:57

You're allowed to cry and be sad. It's something you put your time and heart into, even if it went bad and you needed to drop it. Time will heal, but you're allowed to grieve a bit. Just don't let your feelings make you forget why it had to end. Write a list of why it wasn't good enough and things he did that were bad. Read them every time the rose tinted mist arrives and you think you miss him.

HandyWoman · 21/01/2016 17:09

Boringly I remember your thread. You've come so far from there to here And here you are, with a lot of grief but the building blocks of a much happier home now, a home where nobody sucks the joy out of everything. It will now be what a home should be - a sanctuary and refuge. And that's the right step for your dc. You have nothing to feel guilty for, though your heart will ache, I'm sure, for your dc, also for you. Please treat yourself with incredible kindness and get all the RL support you can. Stay in here for support. Try and eat - somethings easy like soup. Beans on toast for the dc, nothing difficult for the next month now. Well done OP.

Minime85 · 21/01/2016 17:17

You will get through it. It's a day at a time to begin with. You will grieve for what has been lost and what you thought would be. It will be tough at times but you will come out the other side. Talk to people in real life. Keep one or 2 close confidants. Find new hobbies. Decorate. Book a break or holiday. Give yourself goals to aim for. In time the grief will ease and although you may always feel sad about it ending you will be able to embrace a new reality and I'm sure lots of new beginnings.

YetAnotherNC · 21/01/2016 17:22

OP, it's really tough isn't it? I'm a bit less far down the road at the moment, still at the "hoping he will pull his finger out and change but knowing deep down he won't" stage. I'm full of those doubts about whether I'm doing the right thing, whether it's actually me that's the problem, whether he ever really loved me or whether I'm being horrible and mean and somehow destroying something by insisting he's not abusive to me or DCs any more. I just wanted to offer you moral support, and say I totally understand the feelings of sadness and exhaustion. Keep going. So many people on here have been through this shit and come out the other side, and say life gets so much easier and better. Fingers crossed eh?!

LineyReborn · 21/01/2016 17:34

It is indeed utterly exhausting to live in a relationship like this, and - in a shitty twist of fate - it feels just as bad at first to leave a relationship like this.

But the leaving of it is definitely better, because life DOES get better. Home feels more like home. You feel more like you. Life feels more like life. It is definitely worth it.

Your DCs will be so much better off, too.

Original poster

BoringlyRestrictive · 21/01/2016 22:04

I just found out my dad had cancer a few years back and although they operated and got it all of course they don't ever give the all clear.

It's like raining shit here.

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 21/01/2016 22:12

You mean your dad didn't tell you at the time?

Original poster

BoringlyRestrictive · 21/01/2016 22:14

No, didn't tell any of us. He knew, mum knew.

And dad has no idea what is happening between me and husband yet. If he did know he probably wouldn't have mentioned the cancer at all.

I'm just wallowing.

OP posts:

HandyWoman · 21/01/2016 22:16

Oh OP you aren't wallowing it's terrible timing and difficult news.

Have you confided in a RL friend about what's going on?

Offred · 21/01/2016 22:48

Oh my goodness well done.

Of course you have these feelings, you don't need to do anything with them except feel them, they will pass.

This is the right thing.

I read your most recent thread, you would have cracked up if you hadn't ended things I think.

tipsytrifle · 21/01/2016 22:55

It would be wonderful if you could now confide in your dad. This next step on your journey is surely one he would want/need to be part of. Though it's understandable if you feel a bit meh about being excluded from his cancer journey. I have no doubt he meant well keeping it from you but truly I think he would be a valiant and beautiful support for you in these times to come. Don't exclude him please. By the way - you're amazing. Did you realise that yet?

Ohfourfoxache · 22/01/2016 01:07

Right, let's tackle one bit at a time.

you made a decision about what you want to happen. What you've just done, you won't have to do again. YOU made that happen. You. Strong, decisive, I'm-not-putting-up-with-this-bullshit you.
OK, frankly he's a tosser. You could do so, so much better. Seriously.
if he's been mentally and emotionally abusive then the chances are that you've been conditioned into accepting the unacceptable. Normalising the abnormal and tolerating the batshit crazy. You don't have to do that anymore, but it will take time to adjust.
you've done this for your gorgeous DC. And by God was it the right thing to do.

Ok, so now your darling dad.

It's going to be a mammoth shock, and you need to give yourself the time and space to come to terms with it. But it was a few years ago and he's presumably now doing really well? You can take a massive positive from that.

In terms of support, what would you do if you were in your dads position and one of your DC was in yours? You'd want to know what was going on and support them, wouldn't you? So have a think about telling your dad everything. He might feel better about you supporting him if he knows he can support you right back.

You're doing brilliantly, and don't forget that

Original poster

BoringlyRestrictive · 22/01/2016 08:42

Thank you for the replies and support.

I know I'm doing the right thing. It is just so strange and sad. And I am dreading when it clicks for dd. She is going to be completely heart broken. I don't know how to deal with that.

Not ready to tell dad yet. H is sleeping on the sofa while he finds somewhere to live and I will tell family after he has moved out.
My mum and my sister know. My sister is somewhat flaky and doesn't really process her own emotions let alone anyone else's but she is blunt and frank due to this so she can be insightful and tell it like it is

OP posts:

Original poster

BoringlyRestrictive · 22/01/2016 19:39

Really struggling.

He tells me that all the issues in our relationship were 1000% my fault that I am crazy and if I could just 'get over the past' then it wouldn't be a problem and we would all be happy but at the same time he says if I want any money of my own then I need to get a job and all sorts of stuff.

I don't feel like I ever mattered.
He goes on about the lack of sex. But I don't see how people have sex if they aren't happy? He says that you fix things by having sex not fix things and then have sex.

OP posts:

SpinyCrevice · 22/01/2016 19:46

Boring he would say that though wouldn't he? And....a lot more besides! Start hearing him as white noise. He will come out with some utter classics before this lot is over trust me!

Eatmyshorts1 · 22/01/2016 20:06

It's shit being in this sort of relationship- I've done 16 years, all our problems are my fault in his eyes too, lack of sex, don't appreciate him etc etc. Good luck op, I had my lightbulb moment last night and have booked an appointment next week for legal advice I don't want my children to think how he treats me is normal :(

tipsytrifle · 23/01/2016 01:13

You fix things by having sex??

If it wasn't so seriously him-self-centred that might almost be funny. Sadly, this seems to be the thought-frame of men of this ilk. It's all your fault and you don't give enough sex. Pffftttt (that was a fuse blowing) Stay strong and end this. Reach for the freedom you long for. Trust yourself and your view of how he tries to manipulate you for his own ends.

Eatmyshorts - Been there .. lived 15yrs of it all being my fault, my with-holding, my fault that there was no this or that or whatever else. I had my lightbulb moment and suddenly woke up to how abusive it all was. Not to mention finances. You've experienced the lightbulb moment.
Don't waste it!

tipsytrifle · 23/01/2016 01:17

I meant "end this" in the sense of please don't ever think of returning, letting him back, giving in and "trying again" ... y'know?

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