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Original poster

I hate to admit this is because of porn....

57 replies

TiredAndCantSleep · 21/01/2016 09:33

I think I've fell out of love with DH. He has a problem (well I think he has he won't admit it) btw I'm well aware men watch porn. When we met he used to watch a lot then said oh no I don't watch it don't need it I told him I wasn't really bothered either way. When I was pregnant he started watching loads of porn and looking at pictures literally every second he got. When I had DS he was still doing it often getting up in the night to wank, he never wanted sex. I asked him to calm down a bit he admitted he was watching porn all the way through our relationship (why lie?) but anyways it was getting ridiculous and I was getting nothing. He said he would stop, I went out to the doctors with DS and I came back and I saw he had been watching it again. 10 mins after saying he would stop. That was over a year ago, he now deletes EVERYTHING. He watches it every chance he gets and completely denies it. At work, in his car, in the middle of the night, when I'm up with the kids, when we have sex it lasts seconds. I've never had a problem with porn ever but now it's took over everything and I just feel inadequate. I don't feel much for the man I once loved and I'm truly miserable. Why the fuck can't he just calm down or admit a problem?

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredAndCantSleep · 21/01/2016 20:26

What about our Ds what do we 'do' can he pick and choose when he has him?.... I really don't want to leave but I feel very alone. There's huge tension between us.

OP posts:
MuttonDressedAsMutton · 21/01/2016 20:28

OP you seriously cannot spend the next 50 years accusing him, listening to the denial, knowing what you know, accusing him, listening to the denial......repeat ad infinitum. You really want to waste your one precious life like that?
Ok - he denies. Well that's easy. Any idiot can deny even in the face of overwhelming evidence. It sounds to me as though you have some basic need to hear him admit everything. Do you? Why? You know what you know and that is enough.
You need to get out of this relationship - it's toxic and a waste of your time. What's holding you back?

AnyFucker · 21/01/2016 20:35

well, he's quite the inadequate piece of work isn't he ?

why would you stay with someone like that

MoominPie22 · 21/01/2016 20:36

Maybe give him that ultimatum. Tell him it´s a fulfilling relationship with you he puts his energies into or he at least gets help. If he refuses to get help cos he´s blatently lying to you ( and insulting your intelligence! ) then tell him you want to split.

That´s what I would do anyway, and hope he makes the right choice. Cos any man who truly loves his partner would listen to her concerns and prioritize her feelings and the relationship. So this will be a test if you do wanna go down the ultimatum route...

If he chooses his addiction over you and carries on denying he´s got a problem then there´s nothing more you can do. How long could you carry on as you are do you think? Also, you don´t need to provide any proof he´s doing it, you know he´s doing it! It´s not like you´re required to catch him red handed or anything.

I wouldn´t want to be in a relationship with someone who chose their seedy porn habit over me either. Speaks volumes about the bloke´s true feelings doesn´t it?

Original poster
TiredAndCantSleep · 21/01/2016 20:40

He won't go to counselling etc there's no way, I tried that before. We hardly speak, he knows we aren't good and wants to repair it but how can we,? Even if he stops will I ever trust?

OP posts:
mum2mum99 · 21/01/2016 20:46

Then in this case you leave.
There are 2 solutions:
You give him the choice.
Or you leave straight away.
he is really treating you with contempt.

Original poster
TiredAndCantSleep · 21/01/2016 20:48

But I don't understand what to do, neither of us have anywhere to go, he works shifts as do I, I don't want him just getting DS whenever he wants etc...

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 21/01/2016 20:49

There's no point about worrying whether or not you will ever trust him if he stops .

Because he won't stop . He can't stop until he gets help

He can't get help because he won't admit he has a problem .

You can't force him to do anything so you might as well stop trying

Your options are put up with this for the rest of your life or leave .

AnyFucker · 21/01/2016 20:50

he is the boy's father

if you split, the boy should see his father unless there is a very good reason not to ?

do you think there is a good reason not to ?

eloquent · 21/01/2016 20:50

If he wants to repair the relationship he must admit his problem and get help.
He can gain your trust back, but it will take time and a lot of hard work.

If he is refusing counselling it doesn't sound to me like he wants to rebuild though OP.

AskBasil · 21/01/2016 20:52

So he'd rather give up your marriage than go and speak in a counsellor's office for 1 hour a week?

So um, that shows how much he values his marriage. And you.

Original poster
TiredAndCantSleep · 21/01/2016 20:52

I don't want to stop him I just don't want him saying 'I'll have him this day and I'll ring you to let you know about next week' I'm not having that, I want some sort of structure. You're right it's clear he wants nothing from me just a quick 30 seconds shag probably while thinking of porn.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredAndCantSleep · 21/01/2016 20:53

He says it's not for him, he's not that sort of person

OP posts:
mum2mum99 · 21/01/2016 20:55

he is not that sort of person that wants to sort it out ...Sad

AnyFucker · 21/01/2016 20:55

I see. He's a "porn person" then.

Well, you know what to do.

And if you do split, childcare should be mutually agreed. Does he always decide what you are all doing with no discussion ata ll ?

InTheTeapot · 21/01/2016 20:57

You rent separately. You will probably be eligible for some benefits to top up your income and enable you to afford a place of your own.
You get childcare for when you're at work and he isn't having contact. He gets childcare ditto.
He has contact because your child should have a relationship with his father. You will probably be the resident parent and he should give you some sort of contribution towards his child.

Original poster
TiredAndCantSleep · 21/01/2016 20:57

He's the type if person I can see just wanting what he wants and that's it I can see 'I'm working this day I'll have him this day' and tbh I don't want that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/01/2016 21:00

You don't have to agree to that.

Do you have a voice in this relationship at all ?

InTheTeapot · 21/01/2016 21:00

You don't need to accept that. Your child needs structure. You agree days and times and if he fucks about with the arrangements you get a formal agreement.
Or nothing.

Bluebird79 · 21/01/2016 21:06

What's left in this relationship? You clearing the bin of spunky tissues? Get rid of him. Pronto.

mum2mum99 · 21/01/2016 21:08

tired you seem to be bending over backward to accommodate him...

Original poster
TiredAndCantSleep · 21/01/2016 21:14

But how do you just leave a marriage with children involved? I don't want my kid to hate me

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/01/2016 21:21

Why would he hate you ?

mum2mum99 · 21/01/2016 21:22

The kids won't hate you. They will find it hard at the start and they will most likely adjust. Mine did.

Original poster
TiredAndCantSleep · 21/01/2016 21:30

I can't understand what I've done wrong here

OP posts: